The Self-Governing Child
It is every parent’s dream to have a child that self-governs – one who makes good and correct decisions when choices are put in front of them. Is it just a dream or can it become a reality? Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons) believe it can.
Parents in the Church are counseled to teach their children “correct principles and let them govern themselves.” (Joseph Smith, as quoted by John Taylor in Millennial Star, 13:339.)
Self-governance? This free-sounding approach may give some parents a panic attack. (What? I just watched my child walk into the middle of the street. Yesterday he refused to eat his vegetables. Tomorrow I know he will hit his brother when I am not around. My child hardly appears ready to self-govern!)
But gospel principles are not about the child making just any choice, they are about a child learning how to develop the skills and the conscience to make wise and good choices.
Our son had half-heartedly agreed to help another Boy Scout with his Eagle Project. He mentioned the project to my husband and me, but noted that none of the other boys were going to help and that he didn’t want to go. The project involved getting up at 7:30 on a Saturday morning and digging trails for 4 hours on a hot summer day. For the boy to finish the Eagle project, he had to have a team of people helping.
Saturday morning came, although we had forgotten about the event. His Scout leader called at 7:25 a.m. to say he was on his way over. My husband went to wake our son (who is not a morning person). He let our son know that the scoutmaster was on his way. Our son promptly pulled the covers over his head and announced there was no way he was going. The Scout law popped into my husband’s mind and he kindly recited, “A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.” He left the room, went upstairs, prepared a bowl of cereal and a bottle of ice water for our son. Five minutes later, our son came upstairs, dressed and ready to go.
This hallelujah parenting moment was a stand-out experience for us. It was one of those times that confirmed that the hard work we were doing was working, even just a bit. (I have to confess I’m glad I was not the one answering the phone that morning!)
Church apostle Boyd K. Packer explains: “When one understands the gospel, it becomes very clear that the best control is self-control.” (Boyd K. Packer, “Agency and Control,” Ensign, May 1983, 66)
But how can parents help their child make the transition over time to become self-governing? We can’t control them. We can’t be with our children always as they go to school, play with friends and eventually move out to begin their own adult lives. It won’t happen in a day, but if there are three principles at work, a child can learn to govern themselves.
We Can Teach Truth
“Children do not learn by themselves how to distinguish right from wrong. Parents have to determine the child’s readiness to assume responsibility. … While we are teaching them, we have the responsibility to discipline them and to see that they do what is right. If a child is besmudged with dirt, we do not let him wait until he grows up to decide whether or not he will bathe. We do not let him wait to decide whether or not he will take his medicine when sick, or go to school or to church. …
“Parents also should teach their children early in life the glorious concept and fact that they are spirit children of God, and choosing to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ is the only way to enjoy success and happiness here and eternal life hereafter. They must be taught that Satan is real and that he will use all agencies at his disposal to tempt them to do wrong, to lead them astray, make them his captives, and keep them from the supreme happiness and exaltation they could otherwise enjoy” (Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God, Deseret Book, N. Eldon Tanner [1973], 87).
We must teach truth. The scriptures tell us we are responsible for teaching and correcting our children and will be accountable for doing or not doing it.
For I have told him that I will judge his house for ever for the iniquity which he knoweth; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not. (1 Samuel 3:13)
We teach through lessons and we teach as opportunities present themselves. Mostly, we teach by example.
We Can Give Opportunities to Choose
Even for the youngest of children, we can allow choices that are age-appropriate. When we give choice, we may need to hold our breath and step back to give the child a chance to see how the choice played out without prematurely stepping in to evaluate, correct, or pronounce a consequence.
“For the first part of childhood, the most important task for children is obedience, learning to follow parental advice very strictly. However, as children grow older, they gradually must pay more attention to the task of learning to act independently. In the beginning, parents personally show three-year-old children exactly when and where to cross the street. Such guidance at age fourteen is seldom appropriate. In fact, if adolescents do not eventually pay more attention to this second task, they become in a real sense crippled, continually dependent on parents to make their decisions.” Donald K. Jarvis, “Leaving Eden: A Lesson for Parents,” Ensign, Feb 1991, 39
I believe in accountability and consequences, but I have noticed that if I give swift rewards or punishments after my children make a choice, I have not really given them the opportunity to choose. I have short-circuited the choice process by not allowing time for the child to evaluate the outcome for themselves. An immediate treat or time out conditions their behavior but encourages me-centered thinking. They are not concerned with doing the “right thing”. They are thinking about how the reward or punishment affects them (good or bad for me?). I may be conditioning behavior, but I am not helping them develop their conscience.
We Can Hold Children Accountable
“We try to guide our children toward self-respect … and mostly leave it up to them to judge themselves. We have experienced the fact that one is not as good a teacher when one discovers and points out mistakes … as when one helps a child to discover for himself that he is doing wrong. When a child can comprehend his mistakes himself, the first step to change has already been taken.
“I remember once how we asked our son, after a transgression, to set his own punishment. He decided that he should not be allowed to watch television for one month. That seemed to us to be considerably too severe, but how happy we were to hear from his grandmother that while visiting her he had insisted she was wrong to encourage him to watch a certain television program, even though his parents would never know. I don’t think there can be a greater joy for parents than to see a child handle himself well in a difficult situation” F. Enzio Busche, “‘Provoke Not Your Children’,” Ensign, Mar 1976, 41)
At times, our children may need direct or pointed correction. The scriptures help us to see it can be done in a positive way:
“Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death. (D&C 124:43-44 )
We can follow it up with love and encouragement for their progress, so the correction doesn’t become mere criticism. Our children can know we have their best interests in mind. They can know we love them and want them to succeed.
Self-control is tough to achieve and may take years to develop. Since I am still working on this goal, I can have patience with my own children who are 30 years or so behind me. Hopefully, my children can get there with parents who teach truth, follow-through and love unconditionally.
Solving the Parenting Puzzle of Balance with Choice
In my last blog, I observed that balance between being too strict or too lenient is first found by giving our children knowledge. We help them know their own strength and power – they are children of God with unlimited potential. They can do anything! We teach commandments to show them the most efficient path to the goal. We teach them to follow the Savior as a mentor and example. We teach them to listen to the Holy Ghost who can give personal guidance and inspiration.
Once they have correct knowledge, our children are ready to choose. In fact they usually sound like the famous words of Founding Father, Patrick Henry:
“Give me liberty or give me death!”
Why is it such a strong feeling? In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, known as the Mormons, we are taught:
“God gave to man part of his divinity. He gave man the power of choice, and no other creature in the world has it. So he placed upon the individual the obligation of conducting himself as an eternal being. You cannot think of any greater gift that could come to a man or woman than the freedom of choice. You alone are responsible, and by wielding and exercising that freedom of choice, you grow in character, you grow in intelligence, you approach divinity, and eventually you may achieve that high exaltation. That is a great obligation. Very few people appreciate it. The roads are clearly marked—one offering animal existence, the other life abundant…Freedom of choice is more to be treasured than any possession earth can give. It is inherent in the spirit of man. It is a divine gift. … Whether born in abject poverty or shackled at birth by inherited riches, everyone has this most precious of all life’s endowments—the gift of free agency; man’s inherited and inalienable right.” David O. McKay (“Chapter 22: Agency and Responsibility,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, 205)
What an amazing gift! The need for choice and the opportunity to exercise that choice is absolutely essential for growth.
Agency is the impelling source of the soul’s progress. It is the purpose of the Lord that man become like him. In order for man to achieve this it was necessary for the Creator first to make him free. David O. McKay (“Chapter 22: Agency and Responsibility,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, 205)
Most of us know our children need choice, but how do we go about it? We want our children to obey not because obedience is the ultimate goal, but because progression is the ultimate goal. How do we help them keep choice on the right track?
What is the cycle of progression our Father in Heaven gives to us?
1. He gives us commandments and asks us to obey them. (Keep in mind He is a perfect leader and has given a perfect law.)
2. He lets us choose.
3. He gives us time.
4. He asks us to check in for review.
We’ve already discussed the first two steps to this cycle. The next two are just as important.
Time
Our Creator gives us time to choose. He gives us the gift of time before rewards or punishments (“consequences”) are given. Here’s why, even for rewards:
“If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil—all would do good but not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency, only satanic controls.” Spencer W. Kimball “Chapter 2: Tragedy or Destiny?,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball, (2006),11–21
Most parents I know have a constant internal debate. Do I come up with a list of rewards or punishments for bad behavior? When do we let natural consequences set in and when do we create consequences?
Like the science experiments with mice where they get a zap or reward by going on the right path, immediate consequences can create conditioned behavior. Time is opportunity for growth. If we fail to give our children time in their choices, we can think that we are enforcing “consequences”, but we are really just conditioning behavior and conditioned behavior is immature behavior.
Our Creator gives us time to see the good and bad effects of choice for ourselves. These choices help us to reason, to process information, to weigh cause and effect. Time helps us mature. If we received an immediate response from Him after every action, our growth would be sabotaged.
What He usually does is wait until He sees patterns or halted progression before He acts. He then knows what we are really going to do if left on our own.
When I noticed this pattern, I decided to try it at home. I told my 6-year-old son that he could stay home with his older brother if he did his homework while I took another child to an activity. When I got home, the homework was not done and my son was playing at a friend’s house. The following week I told my 6-year-old that he could try again – that he should finish his homework before he went out to play. The second time, I found him watching a show, his homework not finished. I tried a third time with similar results. We had a conversation about what was preventing him from finishing his homework. One was the strong lure of friends to a six-year-old. The second was his need of more support with homework. The next week, he came with me and we finished it together in the car.
Review
One tool our Father in Heaven uses to keep choices on the right path is constant review. He has commanded us to pray. In the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior teaches us how to pray (Matthew 6).
There are many references to prayer in the scriptures. We can find there an entire list of the many reasons to pray, ways to pray and outcomes of prayer. (TG)
Prayer is the Progress Check. Prayer is His feedback system for choice. He can tell us if we are on the right track, how to stay on track or how to get back on track. We can share our struggles, our sorrows and our joys and accomplishments in prayer.
Th Progress Check method also works with our children. We can give them time, but can also meet with them regularly. The time we allow between Progress Checks may depend on their age or maturity level. It may be hours, days, weeks or months. But we can always meet with them to ask them:
1. What goals do you have? What are you trying to do?
2. What did try?
3. How is that going?
4. What worked?
5. What didn’t work?
6. How can I help you?
This feedback loop helps keep tabs on the choices so good choices can be encouraged and bad choices can be flagged.
All of this said, I believe that parenting around choice is much easier said than done. In theory, it sounds easy. In reality, it is very tough to give kids great opportunity for choice. It is hard to give them the knowledge they need. It takes time and great effort to train them. It takes self-control to give them the ability and time to choose, especially when the behavior is bothering you or someone else in the family. It takes personal and family organization to do regular reviews.
Sometimes we let fear take over. What if they choose badly? Out of the best possible intentions, our fear can drive us to skip these important steps or take over for them. We want them to be happy. We want them to avoid pain and suffering. It takes great faith to know that if we follow a heavenly example, it will turn out all right in the end. Sometimes it is not their challenge, but ours to learn the elements of choice. Take heart, keep trying. We can do this if we too follow His guidelines.
There is a final element of free will, or choice. The last step is responsibility. We have heard that we get to choose our actions, but don’t get to choose the outcomes. My next blog will responsibility that comes with choice and will talk about right conditions for consequences.
The Fire of Free Will
“I do it myself!” shouts my three-year-old daughter as she struggles to put on her shoes. My offers to help are rejected as she fights to do something hard on her own.
With a high level of frustration and intense and unrelenting determination, I am seeing free will in action. The emotional display of fireworks ranges in intensity with different personalities, but the desire to progress is universal.
Our children learn new things every day – how to put on their shoes, ride a bike, do a math problem, spell a word, date, drive a car. Every day, the driving force of free will gives them the motivation to keep moving forward. Struggle goes with the territory of new experiences.
Most people I know are comfortable with their own free will. They love the ability to make choices and learn from their decisions. For most parents, free will is like fire. It is both thrilling and scary. It is thrilling because we know they need free will to grow. Freedom to choose is exhilarating and empowering. Without free will, we would still be spoon feeding them at 9, tying their shoes at 17 and carpooling for the remainder of our days. With it comes learning and progression. If the fire of free will is contained and directed, it can be a rocket of progression.
This unbelievable gift is described by the ninth Prophet called in these modern times, David O. McKay:
“Next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God’s greatest gift to man. … Freedom of choice is more to be treasured than any possession earth can give. It is inherent in the spirit of man. It is a divine gift. … Whether born in abject poverty or shackled at birth by inherited riches, everyone has this most precious of all life’s endowments—the gift of free agency; man’s inherited and inalienable right.” (“Chapter 22: Agency and Responsibility,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, 205)
Democratic countries are founded on this inalienable right. Slavery was abolished because of this right. Many have died to retain this right to remain free.
Free will, also called “agency”, is powerful. This is why parents also find free will a bit scary. Children combine free will with inexperience and immaturity. That same fire, unrestrained, can burn out of control and create severe damage.
My husband was in charge of a large youth group who spent time in the summer re-enacting a pioneer trek. He watched as some teenage boys grabbed hard reeds and were hitting each other on the back for fun to see if they could make welts appear. The leaders were discussing this not-so-smart behavior and one leader commented, “In our family, we call this green brain. A youngster’s brain is green when displayed on a brain scan. As they grow, the color changes. Their brain is fully developed by their 20’s and the scan shows a totally different color.” She looked over at the boys. “Definite green brain,” she said.
With choice comes a balancing tagalong – responsibility.
As President Brigham Young said on one occasion:
“If Brother Brigham should take a wrong track and be shut out of the kingdom of heaven, no person will be to blame but Brother Brigham. I am the only being in heaven, earth, or hell, that can be blamed. This will equally apply to every Latter-day Saint. Salvation is an individual operation. … When salvation is sent to me, I can reject or receive it. In receiving it, I yield implicit obedience and submission to its great Author throughout my life, and to those whom he shall appoint to instruct me; in rejecting it, I follow the dictates of my own will in preference to the will of my Creator.” (Discourses of Brigham Young, sel. John A. Widtsoe (1954), 390.)
Our children are free to choose, but have the responsibility of owning the consequences. It is important that they know choice is not the end destination, but the vehicle that moves us forward.
Mormon apostle Dallin H. Oaks noted:
“Few concepts have more potential to mislead us than the idea that choice, or agency, is an ultimate goal. In mortality, choice is a method, not a goal.”
Our challenge as parents is to allow our children to use the vehicle of choice, point them in the right direction of obedience to commandments of God, and let the fire of free will propel them to success and safety.
Children and Swearing
I stood outside the school doors one day, waiting for my oldest to get out of school. My boys were playing on the nearby playground, and the baby lay tucked tight in her stroller.
It usually took a few minutes after the bell would ring for my oldest to find her way to us, but it was never a problem until one particular day. A group of girls came walking over to the area right outside the door and were met by another group. It was clear from the first filthy words out of their mouths this was not a friendly encounter. In fact, I wanted to cover my baby’s ears, even if she didn’t understand what was being said. I was grateful my boys were playing a little ways off so they couldn’t hear the offensive words.
Even more distressing than the words for me, was the sight of one particular girl right in the middle of the group whose language was among the worst. I knew her. Not only was she a member of our church (the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints – or Mormon Church), she was a member of my daughter’s Primary class (organization for children 3-11).
This young lady didn’t see me until after the fight had ended. I can’t imagine what she saw upon my face: shock, dismay, disgust? I felt them all. Most of all I felt sorrow. It hurt me that this little girl, who at eleven was so close to graduating into the Young Women program (for teen girls age 12-17) where I taught, had chosen to bring such ugliness into her life.
I talked with my daughter about the situation later that night. Turns out this girl had quite a history of dirty language – something I know her family did not condone within the home. She had learned it at school. I asked my daughter if she had ever been tempted to swear. Not only had she been tempted, she admitted to having let a few words slip out.
At this point I decided it was time to talk about ways to keep her language clean. First we discussed why it can be so hard. As parents we don’t realize just how often our children’s ears are affronted with the most unsavory language. The more they hear these words, the more they start to think them. The more they think them, the easier it is for these words to creep up into everyday conversations.
This doesn’t mean those ugly words have to stay there. Just like developing the habit of swearing, children can be taught other habits to replace the bad words. My daughter and I thought up a few ideas of what to do when tempted to swear.
Pray. Praying is a direct communication to our Heavenly Father, and as we learn from the Book of Mormon, another testament of Jesus Christ, “…and no unclean thing can dwell with God” (1 Nephi 10:21). When temptation hits, turn to God and ask for His help in taking the desire to swear away. It doesn’t have to be a prayer where you kneel down in the middle of the playground with arms folded, eyes closed, and head bowed. It can be a silent prayer of the heart.
Think of a hymn or Primary song. In our home music is practically ever-present. My daughter and I talked about two or three different songs to sing when the temptation to swear happens, or when one of her friends does it.
I also suggested she talk with her friends about not wanting to swear and enlisting their help in keeping all language around her clean. When friends rally around in support of whatever goal you set, it makes accomplishing it much easier. It also encourages them to stand strong in the face of temptation.
I am amazed with my children as they come home from school day after day with a smile on their faces. After that brief encounter outside the school doors it took me days to recover from the darkness that had settled over me. Yet my children meet the onslaught of nasty words head on. They don’t come out unscathed, but they learn to be stronger than the temptation.
The Power of a Parent’s Voice
There’s a particular scene in the movie MONSTER’S INC. that makes me cringe every time. Boo, a sweet little toddler has accidentally found herself in a world of monsters. The monster who let her in, Sully, spends a large part of the movie trying to get her back home without alerting anyone to his mistake.
The world of monsters powers its’ city through the screams of children. In a training session, Sully is asked to demonstrate why he’s the ‘Top Scarer’ in the company. Boo inadvertently sees Sully doing what he does best. Teeth bared, eyes wide, claws extended, Sully roars at the top of his lungs at the dummy. Boo, hidden right next to the dummy, sees everything. In a moment their relationship changes. What was once a trusted friend is now something to fear.
Why does this affect me so much? Because each time I see it into my mind pops a memory. My daughter, then barely two, had pushed one too many buttons. Away went Mom, and out popped a monster. Perhaps my own teeth were bared, my own eyes grew wide, and from my throat came a roar that frightened her beyond words. For those few seconds, I became a monster.
Jeffrey R. Holland, a leader in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or Mormon Church as it is more commonly known, spoke on this very thing in our April 2007 General Conference. In his talk, “The Tongue of Angels” Holland speaks to mothers, yet I believe his words work for fathers as well.
“How is it that such a lovely voice which by divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil, so instinctively gentle and inherently kind could ever in a turn be so shrill, so biting, so acrid and untamed? A woman’s words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged, and they can drive the people they love to retreat beyond a barrier more distant than anyone in the beginning of that exchange could ever have imagined. Sisters, there is no place in that magnificent spirit of your for acerbic or abrasive expression of any kind.”
A popular expression is, “When Mom’s not happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Of course we as parents are granted to have a bad day. We are allowed to wallow in a rotten mood, so long as we do not take it out on our children. This is so very easy to say, not so easy to live. Every time one of my children takes out his/her frustrations on a sibling, I’m quick to point out it’s not okay. Yet my own tongue needs to be bridled when my frustrations come to a boiling point.
These precious children are the sons and daughters of God. We should ever treat them as such, for He has given them to us to take care of. It is an awesome responsibility and privilege. Though sometimes it’s easy to forget, let us learn to control our mouths and our tempers. No child needs to watch a beloved parent turn into a monster. Instead, let the beloved parent remain an angel.
Establish Morning Family Prayer
“Cry unto him in your house, yea, over all your household, both morning, mid-day, and evening.” Alma 34:21
It happens to our family every morning as I pull into a space at the school parking lot. I turn off the car, look behind me, and pick a child to help give our morning family prayer. I started doing this when my youngest boy began preschool, which is held at the same school my older children attend. This means we’ve only been doing it about three months.
I tell you this to let you know it’s never to late to begin creating good habits for your children. We’ve now been doing it long enough to become a part of our morning routine. If I forget, they’ll remind me. Between the four of us we manage to remember … most of the time.
My boys are still young enough to want help saying the prayer, but my oldest feels ready to say the prayer herself. There are times I might have to prod her along, but for the most part she has learned just what to pray about by my own example.
There are countless blessings to be had when we continually strive to say our morning prayers. It can set the tone for the entire day. Stress to your children that they might still have bad things happen, but when we pray first thing in the morning we will find ourselves better able to handle the bad times.
Saying morning prayers with the family helps create a sense of unity. There’s something special about knowing other family members are praying just for you. Take enough time in each prayer to mention every one of your children. For example, my daughter just this morning was concerned about two of her friends who are disagreeing. A part of our prayer was to help her know how to deal with each of these friends.
Morning prayer can help remind your kids of things they should be doing throughout the day: listening to their teacher and showing him/her respect, finishing work before playing, and treating their friends with kindness. These gentle reminders, when done in the boundaries of prayer, will help your children realize just how important these acts are. They are far more likely to recall the right things to during the course of their day.
There are days I’ll forget, and in the rush to get to school the kids might forget as well. One these days all is not lost, for it is always okay to say a quiet prayer.
As my four-year old and I walked towards his school doors he suddenly stopped short and said, “Oh no, Mom, we forgot to say our prayers!” Brother and sister had already gone to line up and so morning family prayer was not meant to happen. I asked if he thought we should say a prayer right there and he agreed. So I crouched down next to him and we said a prayer. I then told him, “If we ever forget to say our prayers together, you can always say a quiet prayer in your heart. You just have to think it.”
The best reason for me to help my family say morning prayers is it acts as a shield. Away from our little home there are so many temptations, some even in the form of good friends, and prayer comforts every one of us as we part ways. My children know they are given some extra strength from the Lord to help make the right choices.
Lost in the Woods
Within the borders of Indiana, where my sister-in-law Melanie grew up, there lies a wooded area right next to her parents’ home, owned by a railroad company. Nestled in the middle of the wood is a large field (she thinks it’s wild corn). If she were to start walking through the woods from her house, she would come out the other side right smack dab in front of her grandparents’ house.
When she and two of her little brothers were young, their mother took them over to their grandparents, who would watch the kids so she could go berry picking. After a while the youngest, who was only two at the time, missed his mother terribly and decided to go looking for her.
No one knows just how long he’d been missing before Grandma realized he was gone. She sent the other brother, who was four, and Melanie, who was six, out to look for him (I imagine she was pretty frantic at the time, and not thinking her best).
The woods were fairly dark, and the two had no real idea of where they were going. It felt like hours later when Melanie’s brother heard whimpering, and they followed it to find their youngest hanging on to a tree for dear life. He had fallen down a hill, though he wasn’t hurt.
The two managed to pull him up, and they began to try and make their way out of the woods. The only problem was they couldn’t remember exactly how they’d gotten in. As time had passed the woods had grown darker, causing everything around them to change, making their surrounding unfamiliar. Frightened and wandering, they began to yell out for their mom, hoping she’d come find them. But she didn’t.
At last the three terrified children knelt down and offered a prayer. After saying, “Amen”, they got back up and began walking again. Eventually the woods began to lighten until they found a break in the trees. To their delight many familiar buildings were in sight, and they used these buildings as a guide to help them get back to their grandparents’ house.
It wasn’t until many years later that Melanie learned her mother’s part in all this. Turns out she had heard her children calling out, and knew instantly they were lost in the woods. She was afraid to call out because she had been picking berries at the edge of the cornfield, and if the children had followed her voice, they would have been lost even worse than in the woods. The cornfield stood taller than her children, even taller than her. If they had gone in, there was no way for them to see her.
Their mother began racing toward their voices in the woods, but she had such a long way to go. At that point she prayed so hard for her children to be guided out of the woods and back to their grandparents, instead of deeper into the woods towards her and possible danger.
Melanie wrote: “I’d always wondered how we made it out of the woods. I didn’t think she’d been able to hear us at all, and thought that our prayer was the reason we made it out. Come to find out, it wasn’t just our prayers that were answered. It was hers too. I can only imagine the pain it must have caused her to know we were lost and she couldn’t physically help us, and the faith she exercised in her prayers.”
Choosing to kneel down in prayer saved the lives of three children that day.
Choosing Good Friends
My daughter came home one day, her normally cheerful face taking on a weighty look. Though I ached to jump right in and demand she tell me what was wrong, I mentally restrained myself and waited for her to come to me.
Fortunately for my blood pressure, it didn’t take long.
Michelle had spotted one of the girls in her Primary class using a colorful array of words we do not allow in our own home. Though she’d been exposed to swearing before – inevitable once kids start school – it was the first time she’d witnessed it from someone who was supposed to “know better.”
I hardly knew what to say, though to my mind came snippets of my own experiences with girls and boys, young men and young women, who were supposed to “know better.” I explained to Michelle that while it’s sometimes easy to do the good things in safe places like church and home, once we’re out in a world of friends and schoolmates who don’t share those same beliefs it can be terribly hard to stay strong.
Acting on the prompting, I asked Michelle what she thought helped her to make the good choices, like not swearing. It was at that point I marveled at the intelligent spirit residing in her nine-year old body.
“I choose friends who believe like I do,” she said.
What about your friends who aren’t members of our Church?
“If they do something that’s not right, I tell them.”
What if they do it again?
She shrugged, and looked at me as though wondering how Mom had gotten so dumb in the last few minutes. “I just remind them.”
What if they won’t stop?
Michelle thought for a moment before looking me right in the eye and saying, “Then they’re not really my friend.”
Her answers were so natural and simple I could understand why she was having such difficulty grasping why it wasn’t as easy for others.
The truth is there are many kids out there, whether six or sixteen, who struggle daily with choosing the right, especially when it goes against everything their friends are doing. It’s not so cut and dried when Mom’s not a member, brother swears, or Dad smokes.
So what can kids like Michelle do when they see someone straying from what’s right?
“I’m going to pray for her,” she said about her Primary friend, “and still be her friend. But I’m also going to tell her when she’s doing something wrong.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself.