Children

I read yesterday of a family with four children who were removed from an airline flight because of their noise and restlessness. One son had autism and a daughter had cerebral palsy. It was the childrens’ first flight. On another flight, a family was removed because their 3-year-old was crying. What surprised me the most about these stories was the enthusiastic “Kick them off and good riddance” chorus in the follow-up commentary.

Of course safety and respect for other passengers is warranted. But I think it shows a general intolerance our society has for anyone who annoys or irritates us.

I believe we are teaching by example the exact opposite of what we want our children to learn and to become. This intolerance is in opposition to the doctrine of Jesus Christ.

In Paul the apostle’s epistle to the Ephesians he encourages the Saints to act:

"With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;" (Ephesians 4:2)

Paul then teaches the Collosians a similar doctrine:

“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” (Collosians 3:13)

The author of this doctrine taught by Paul was the Savior, Jesus Christ. Christ had feelings of love and respect for children. They showed through His actions during His ministry.

“And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.” (Mark 10:13-16)

No doubt when He was teaching, there were children who were excited and fidgety. There were probably some who were wandering around, digging in the dirt with a stick or throwing rocks to while away the time. Some were probably tired or hungry. I am sure there were some who were crying or hanging on their mother’s skirt. He knows that this is who they are and what they do. His patience and love for the children was personal and great. His blessing for the children was not a group blessing, but an individual one for each child.

His example and counsel tells us that patience and forbearance are traits that should be developed. In a confined space with no where to go, airline travel may just be the most perfect place to acquire these traits. Perhaps we ought to "glory in tribulations; also knowing that tribulation worketh patience.” (Romans 5:3)

Children learn most by example. They repeat actions that are done to them. If we want kind and tolerant children, we must first show them kindness and tolerance and live the doctrine taught by the Savior. Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley (15th President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) stated:

"Teach your children goodness. Teach them civility toward others...Let there be taught in the homes of people that we are all children of God, our Eternal Father, and that as surely as there is fatherhood, there can and must be brotherhood. Let there be taught respect for womanhood and manhood. Let every husband speak with respect, kindness, and appreciation for his wife. Let every wife look for and speak of the virtues of her husband...Is this old-fashioned? Of course it is. It is as old as truth itself." (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Four Simple Things to Help Our Families and Our Nations,” Ensign, Sep 1996, 2)

I can teach my own children good manners with love. I can practice patience and long-suffering when a child behind me on a flight kicks my seat or plays with the fold-down tray. When they are grown and airborne, I hope they will show me the same kindness if I snore or talk too much. My family can follow the counsel of Peter, the apostle, to develop a divine nature: through diligence, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness, brotherly kindness and charity. (Peter 1:4-7)

It’s the growing season and I’ve just planted my seeds in our garden. What a thrill to watch something so small grow into something so miraculous and productive.

It’s also a week before my kids are out of school for the summer. I take a deep breath and feel a pang of anxiety, wondering if I am ready for them to be home all day long. But I know that we will quickly settle into a summer routine and all will be well.

More than that, I know that summer is the perfect growing season for my children. It is a season of long stretches of unscheduled time. There are fewer deadlines and more rest. There are no organized sports or homework. It is not a time to listen to complaints of boredom (although I am sure I will hear that, too). Instead, it is the perfect time to plant a seed of potential and watch it grow for the next three months.

In a church talk on Sunday, the speaker discussed a belief of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons). He noted that there are three things that we can take with us after this life is over: our learning and experience, church ordinances and our family relationships.

Learning lasts. In a book of scripture called the Doctrine and Covenants, it states:

Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection. (D&C 130:18)

Learning becomes knowledge. Knowledge authors skill. Skill develops potential. Our children have untapped potential which is both earthly and divine. They can become anything and can do anything.

So how do we help our kids dig up that potential and get it to grow? One experience taught me what grows potential and what kills it.

One summer, I decided to follow a recommendation by a child development researcher who said that kids should become a neighborhood or family “expert” on something. This helps to develop skill and increase confidence.

I decided that it would be our summer project. I asked my children what they wanted to become an “expert” on, and my fourth grader chose computer animation.

Like a gardener who gives a plant basic elements to grow, I stood back and watched in amazement as he downloaded a free 30-day trial for the software, then bought the product with his own money, spent hours on online tutorials and mastered the Macromedia Flash product over the summer. His learning and endurance was shocking to my husband and me. He was willing to sacrifice everything he had to offer to learn this new skill.

The next summer, I asked the kids the same question. This time, I suggested that my son continue his Flash skill and learn to build web sites. I bought an online class for him and offered to hire a tutor. I asked him to build me a web site. He said he would, then sat down and played computer games for the next two weeks. Clearly, I had done something to kill the seed of potential.

Like the 5 elements for a plant: dirt, sun, air, water, and time, I learned that there are also 5 elements for the growth of potential.

A Supportive Environment (Dirt)
A supportive home environment is like dirt for potential. Parents don’t create the seed of passion-driven potential, but we can help it grow. Instead of ignoring or putting off the dreams, we can say “yes.” Asking questions and listening seems to be the right approach to get the seed planted at the right depth. Questions like “Tell me about your interest.” “How do you want to go about learning that?” “What can you do to help us fit that in to our schedule” and “How can we help?” works well.

Ownership (Sun)
Ownership is like the sun. Our Father in Heaven knows our need to make choices. Our earthly existence is based on this principle of agency. It is through these choices that we progress. We must remember that our children are doing the learning, not us. When we ask “Don’t you really want to learn about…?” or say “That looks cool. Can I learn it at the same time?” or “Tell me all about it. I want to hear every detail.” We are standing over them, blocking their light or are asking them to move over because we want to grow. When we encourage them to take ownership, they are in full sun.

Sacrifice (Air)
Reaching for their goal by sacrifice is the air they need to grow. When we want it so badly for them that we reach for them or over-help because we don’t want them to fail, we take away their air and smother them. We can give choices and allow them to define their own purpose. Because they have purpose, they will willingly sacrifice time, energy and money to develop their potential. Surprisingly, when they have purpose, it doesn’t seem like sacrifice or work to them.

Recognize Their Progress (Water)
When we recognize their progress, it is like pouring water on the seed. It encourages and fosters growth. If we show no interest or say nothing, we are drying them out. When we over-praise and say “That is the most incredible thing in the world I have ever seen. You are an amazing genius,” we are over-watering and flooding them out, weakening their root structure. When we say, “Wow. Smart thinking. Your initiative is impressive. I am interested in what you are learning. Tell me about it,” we are watering at the right amount.

Time
Just like a plant, potential needs time to grow. They need uninterrupted time to dig deeply into their subject. Summer is ideal. When we are rushed or overscheduled, they have no time to discover their passion. Likewise, if we offer non-stop entertainment, they will always be distracted. Without time to think, they can never consider or discover their potential. And when we watch over them constantly, it’s like pulling up the plant to see if the roots are growing.

With these 5 elements, our children can grow the seeds of potential. They can grow and learn. Their new skill prepares them for service – they have something they can contribute.

Their new knowledge and skills can be combined with faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to help them achieve both their earthly and divine potential. They can use their skills and knowledge to serve God and their fellow man.

Sheri Dew, former counselor in the Mormon women’s organization, tells us the importance of understanding our potential. We all have a divine mission and purpose, and no one can take our place.

“The Lord knows who we are, where we are, what our mission is, and what we need in order to accomplish that mission. Not only has He known us for a long, long time, He has loved us for a long, long time. We are here now because we are supposed to be here now. No one else can have the influence or do the good that we were prepared and foreordained to have and do. No one else can fulfill our individual missions.” (No One Can Take Your Place, Dew, 207)

This summer, I look forward to seeing something small grow into something miraculous. In my garden and at home, I am looking forward to this year’s growing season.

I like the idea of world peace. But I don’t know if I can contribute much to world peace until I can create peace in my own car. With six children in an ever-shrinking, confined space, finding peace is no small task.

There are usually fights over the seat by the window or who gets to sit by the baby. In the rush of entry, elbows and backpacks collide with unintended body parts. Someone is perpetually carsick. One of the kids decides that this is the optimal time to play the recorder. Our teenager rolls his eyes at the music selections I choose for the younger children. Someone is always touching someone else. And so it goes…

Why do we choose to live this way? Low expectations and poor habits, I guess. One day, I took a fresh look at our car rides and decided that we needed to make a big change. We knew better and could do better.

I thought of the scripture about being “steadfast and immovable” and always abounding in good works. (Mosiah 5:15) Making the change would take parenting determination, a standard of high expectations and kid participation and commitment. It was a challenge, but I knew we could do it.

With a trial and error of solutions, we first learned what did not work. We tried an assigned seat rotation created by Mom. The fights over the seats were gone, but the kids grumbled about the imposed seat sentence.

On a long car trip, we tried giving each child five tickets. When contention broke out, we would remove a ticket. The child had to have at least one ticket left to get in the pool on the first day of our vacation. Our normally sweet child lost four tickets in the first 15 minutes. Because we were looking for bad behavior, the kids seemed to perform accordingly. We followed through with the plan for the rest of the trip, but decided this wasn’t for us.

We tried pulling over when the fighting started and waiting for the behavior to get better before we continued our ride, but it needed to happen consistently to be effective. Pulling over at night, on the freeway, or on the way to school wasn’t always the safest or most convenient idea.

A friend said she solved the same problem with a bigger car. We were already at capacity in our 8-passenger car and our garage size was limited. What now? This was harder than I thought!

I decided to find answers by looking to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. If there was any group that needed to apply a Gospel principle, it was us.

First, I knew that we were capable of changing. We needed to repent and have a “change of mind.” (BD Repentance) One day I found myself driving solo for a 12-hour drive back home from a vacation as my husband had to leave early for a meeting. Before we left, I made sure that we spent a few minutes reading the scriptures. We had a family prayer asking for peace, help and protection. I asked the children how they would feel if Jesus Christ was in our car for the day. Would He want to be there? Would He feel happy and comfortable? This was the mental shift we needed. The entire trip was pleasant and the children were loving and respectful to one another. The mental picture of having Christ beside them elevated their expectations for themselves. They intuitively knew how it would feel to sit beside Him. They wanted to be better, just thinking of His presence.

I love the children’s song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me.” My children know this song well. Even humming a few bars can be the reminder we need when we go back to old habits.

If the Savior stood beside me, would I do the things I do?
Would I think of His commandments and try harder to be true?
Would I follow His example? Would I live more righteously,
If I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me? ("If the Savior Stood Beside Me" Lyrics)

I also thought of the scripture that encourages families to have order.

Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God; (D&C 88:119)

We needed to organize ourselves. We needed more order if we wanted more peace in the car. Were backpacks ready? Were we rushing to find shoes the morning of? Were we eating breakfast in the car as we drove to school? When we looked at the car ride as a process, we could see where it was breaking down. We were not giving ourselves enough time to prepare for the coming day and were not getting up early enough to prepare without rushing.

One thing that is unique to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, known as the Mormons, is the expectation that everyone contributes. Each member takes turns serving, such as teaching Sunday School, presiding over a youth group, praying or leading the music in church. It requires effort by all members, but the result is a vibrant organization that provides amazing opportunities and growth for children, youth and adults.

The next step was to use this principle of participation with the kids. For those out of car seats, they decided that they would rotate each day of the week. They would each have a day by the window and the next day would be their day by the baby. Because they came up with the idea, they self-enforced their rules.

Finally, building love and an attitude of service was not going to happen overnight, but we decided to employ advice from a prophet of God:

And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the devil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness. But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another. (Mosiah 4:14-15)

It was not right to allow our children to fight and quarrel in the car. I prayed to know how we could teach our children to love and serve one another.

We held a family night where we practiced having a “soft answer” that turns away wrath. (Proverbs 15:1) If someone said something mean, we asked what would happen if they responded by throwing a rock back. We asked what would happen if someone threw a cotton ball back. We practiced for a week putting cotton balls in a jar every time someone responded with a soft answer to an angry remark. When the jar was full, we had a treat the following week.

The lds.org web site had a children’s service idea to be a “secret service” agent. For one family night we gave dark glasses and a black folder labeled “Top Secret” to each family member. We exchanged family names and offered one act of secret service each day for a week.

Of course, practical ideas also came in handy. A friend listens to books on CD with her kids. Many times, they don’t want to get out of the car when they finish the ride. What a great idea.

The road to peace in the car has been bumpy, but worth it. The rest of our journey continues to be about cooperation, patience, love and sacrifice, which is the long haul of life. Success is now less about arriving at our destination and more about enjoying the ride. And while we haven’t achieved total peace in the car, we are definitely on our way.

In the last three blogs, we’ve been trying to solve the puzzle of balance between being too lenient or too strict as a parent. This last blog talks of what we might think of as being “strict” – responsibility for our choices and consequences.

Mormon apostle Boyd K. Packer tells us that knowledge, choice and responsibility are indeed the three pieces of the parenting puzzle:

“There is no true freedom without responsibility, and there is no enduring freedom without a knowledge of the truth.” “Agency and Control,” Ensign, May 1983, 66.

When we start talking about consequences, we wonder “What is too strict? What is not strict enough?” These hard questions stump most parents, including me. I believe that the words of our Father in Heaven are the only balanced answer. Even with His words, actually doing it right at home is a continual learning curve and work-in-progress.

Figuring out consequences starts with a basic: We have the freedom to choose, but there are good and bad outcomes for those choices:

“…the righteous judgment of God; Who will render to every man according to his deeds: To them who by patient continuance in well doing seek for glory and honour and immortality, eternal life: But unto them that are contentious, and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, indignation and wrath, Tribulation and anguish, upon every soul of man that doeth evil, of the Jew first, and also of the Gentile; But glory, honour, and peace, to every man that worketh good, to the Jew first, and also to the Gentile: For there is no respect of persons with God. (Romans 2:5-11)

Obviously, our Father in Heaven wants us to choose the good. In the movie, Meet the Robinsons, the innovating father’s motto is “Keep Moving Forward.” Our eternal Father’s motto is the same. Keep improving. Keep overcoming. Keep becoming more like Him. Keep your eye on the target of eternal life – eternal life with Him. Mistakes are inevitable and a way has been provided to overcome these errors, but “Keep Moving Forward.”

His goal is progression, not punishment. He knows that when we obey natural laws, we reap blessings:

If we eat well and exercise, we can prevent disease and can enjoy good health.
If we are honest in our relationships, we gain credibility and trust.
If we stay out of debt and save a little, we have mental peace and a financial backup plan.

It’s the same for our children:

If they are kind to siblings, they form loving relationships.
If they are honest with parents, they earn trust and greater freedoms.
If they clean their rooms, they have a peaceful environment and a happy mother.

But we are going to make mistakes and so will our children. What does our Father in Heaven do when we make intentional or unintentional mistakes? He walks us through three steps: Stop, Repent, Keep Moving Forward.

Stop
When we start making mistakes, we may not even know it. A bad consequence makes us stop and take notice of what we were doing. We may experience the bad consequence of breaking a natural law, or our Father may place in front of us what he calls a “stumbling block.” Either way, things stop going smoothly. We are in discomfort or pain. We feel guilt. We lose the companionship of the Holy Ghost (Mosiah 2:36). He does not want to support our bad behavior and allow us to think our actions are fine. He knows where we are headed and wants to get our attention before we get too far down the path.

For behold, the Lord hath said: I will not succor my people in the day of their transgression; but I will hedge up their ways that they prosper not; and their doings shall be as a stumbling block before them. (Mosiah 7:29)

When our kids are making mistakes, they may hit a bad consequence by breaking a natural law, but sometimes that consequence is pretty far off. A ten-year-old is going to have a hard time seeing the consequence of not building good homework habits. Parents can initiate “stumbling blocks” of their own.

Stop computer or TV time if the homework is not getting done.
Stop playing with a friend if treatment of a sibling is unkind.
Stop extra activities for a time if chores are not completed at home.
Stop their activity if they are screaming or throwing a tantrum.

Like our Father in Heaven, we can also take away extra support that we are giving:

Stop providing financial assistance for irresponsible spending.
Stop providing electronic devices for entertainment instead of study
Stop offering cars or insurance for reckless driving.

But isn’t this “harsh”? It is only becomes harsh if we make one critical mistake. If we think that this step alone changes behavior, we will get stuck here. We will be surprised when the behavior doesn’t change and even gets worse. We may say we are “not getting through” to them and think they need stronger, more severe consequences. They may get more angry as they feel their choices being taken away. If we end here, we give out punishments without an ultimate purpose.

If your 3-year-old colors on the wall with markers, you may take away the markers (a “Stop”). If you do nothing else and they do it again, you may take away the markers and put them in time out. (A double “Stop”) If done again, you may throw the markers away, put them in time out, and send them to bed early.(A triple “Stop.”).

But this escalation in “consequences” misses a big point. The “Stop” step can raise awareness, but it usually does not change behavior. The next step seeks to change behavior by changing the thinking that causes the behavior in the first place.

Repent
When our Father has our attention, He then asks us to repent. The word “repent” comes from a Greek word that means “change of mind" (i.e. a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world.”) (BD)

He doesn’t want to take away our blessings. What He is trying to do is change our thinking to become more like His. He wants us to understand truth and natural laws. He wants us to know, as Einstein did, that there are governing, unchhangeable principles at work.

"Ethical axioms are found and tested not very differently from the axioms of science. Truth is what stands the test of experience," Albert Einstein

This is where love and listening are key. Parents sometimes mistakenly assume we know what our children are thinking. Unless we spend some time listening, we may be really off the mark.

One day my 5-year-old son was throwing a fit about going to a piano lesson. I assumed he didn’t want to go to the lesson. I could see a battle of wills in the making. Instead of making him get in the car anyway, I decided to take the time to really understand and practice some active listening skills I had just learned. After asking some open-ended questions, I was shocked. He was really upset because the day before I had promised ice cream after a doctor’s visit and hadn’t followed through. After we resolved the issue, he went to the lesson cheerfully. I assumed I knew his thinking, but I really had no clue until I asked some questions and listened.

Thoughts drive behavior. To change the behavior of our children we need to first understand their thinking. We find the holes in their logic or the misunderstanding of a principle. Then we can teach truth, a new way of thinking and what to do next.

“There are several vital steps to repentance. Each is essential for complete forgiveness. President Joseph F. Smith identified some of these steps this way: “True repentance is not only sorrow for sins, and humble penitence and contrition before God, but it involves the necessity of turning away from them, a discontinuance of all evil practices … a thorough reformation of life, a vital change from evil to good … to make restitution, so far as … possible, for all the wrongs we have done. … This is true repentance, and the exercise of the will and all the powers of [the] body and mind is demanded, to complete this glorious work of repentance.” 6 (Richard G. Scott, “The Path to Peace and Joy,” Ensign, Nov 2000, 25–27)

The 3-year-old wall artist can have the markers removed, but can also be taught to have a change in thinking and in doing. “Do you like having a clean house? Me too! We color on paper so we can keep our house clean. I would love to keep your pictures and keep our house clean.” He can help clean up the mess to experience full repentance.

Replacing a damaged toy, apologizing for bad language, and re-planting flowers destroyed in a neighbor’s yard are all ways parents can walk their children through the steps of repentance. The focus then moves from punishment to restitution and includes a hope of becoming better.

Repentance is a glorious gift made possible by the Atonement of the Savior, Jesus Christ. Only He can help us to fix the violation of natural laws and ultimately overcome our weaknesses. If we are willing to repent, we are able to move forward as quickly as we are able:

Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more. (D&C 58:42)

Keep Moving Forward
Before, during and after repentance, our Father in Heaven never ceases to point out the positive. He stresses the joy, blessings and happiness that come from obedience.

When His prophets preach repentance, they never fail to mention the redeeming power of the Atonement and the ability we have to overcome and “Keep Moving Forward.” The words of God are optimistic, happy and hopeful.

“The glorious thing about the whole matter of repentance is that the scriptures are as full of the Lord’s assurances that he will forgive as they are full of his commands for us to repent, to change our lives and bring them into full conformity with his wonderful teachings.

God is good. He is eager to forgive. He wants us to perfect ourselves and maintain control of ourselves. He does not want Satan and others to control our lives. We must learn that keeping our Heavenly Father’s commandments represents the only path to total control of ourselves, the only way to find joy, truth, and fulfillment in this life and in eternity.” (Spencer W. Kimball, “The Gospel of Repentance,” Tambuli, Mar 1983, 1)

I find it overwhelming that He always invites us to come back and enjoy the blessings He so willingly offers. Even if our behavior is terrible, He never sends us away and neither should we send our children away or give up on them.

He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him. Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation. Behold, doth he cry unto any, saying: Depart from me? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; but he saith: Come unto me all ye ends of the earth, buy milk and honey, without money and without price… he hath given it free for all men; and he hath commanded his people that they should persuade all men to repentance. (2 Nephi 26:24-27)

We can remain positive and hopeful with our kids:

“Your picture is so nice. I want to hang it on the wall so I can see it for a long time. I love the way you kept our house so clean.”
“I know you can do this. You will be so happy when you are done!”
"Hang in there. You are working hard for..."
“I like the way you…”
“I noticed how well you…”
“How can I help you?”

They can know that the blessings are worth every good choice. We can point our children to the redeeming power of the Savior that enables them to “Keep Moving Forward.”

Our violin teacher listened as my son played a piece at his lesson. He made an error on one passage and as he repeated the piece, he played the same mistake over again. She commented, “We all think practice makes perfect, but really, practice makes permanent.” To undo the mistake he had practiced 20 times, he had to re-learn the section and play it correctly about 50 times until the change started to become natural.

Children are so easy to teach and absorb lessons so willingly. What we do every day in our homes is what is becoming permanent for our children. How we speak to our family members, our reaction to stress, time spent in entertainment or at work, and time spent together or apart is all becoming permanent. The small, seemingly insignificant things that we unconsciously practice each day are becoming permanent for us and for our children.

And how much easier it is to learn it right the first time instead of spending time correcting and re-learning! The well-known quote reads:

“Sow an act and you reap a habit. Sow a habit and you reap a character. Sow a character and you reap a destiny.” Charles Reade

The scriptures teach the same principle:

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

Julie Beck, leader of the women's organization in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, had a father that knew practice makes permanent.

“I was raised in a big family. My parents had a lot of children. And that means there were a lot of opinions and a lot of work to care for this family. But they used the tool of family home evening to really teach us. Every week we sang “Love at Home.” That was the opening hymn. And I remember as a teenager thinking it was really tiresome to sing that hymn every week.

It was more a belief than a practice. But every week, Dad would say, “Now we’ll sing our opening hymn, ‘Love at Home.’ ” And when I was about 14 or 15, in that age when you question everything, I asked my father, “Why do we have to sing this hymn every week? There are a lot of good hymns in the hymnbook we could sing.” And he looked at me very sternly, and he said, “When you have learned lesson 1, I will teach you lesson 2.”

And I don’t know what lesson 2 was; we didn’t ever get there, but I have to say that after the passage of many years, I look at my family, and we do love one another. We did, somehow, over the years, learn to love each other because that was lesson 1 my parents wanted to teach. They didn’t try to cover everything. They knew if they started with that, it would work.” Worldwide Leadership Conference, February 2008

If we are making things permanent, whether intentional or not, then what can and what should we make permanent?

Make Love a Permanent Part of Our Families

Julie’s parents wanted love to be permanent in their family. It was their Lesson One. Our children learn to love others mostly by watching how we love them. They watch how we speak and whether we listen. They watch the service and effort we put into caring for them (even though we may think it is completely missed!) They watch how we treat our spouse.

On some days, having love be a permanent part of our families may seem impossible, but it can be done! We can exchange family names for homemade gifts on holidays, attend a performance to show support, listen when someone has a bad day, plan weekly time together, pray together and read the scriptures together. Even simple tasks of service, like bringing someone a glass of water before bed, can make love permanent.

Make Self-Respect Permanent

Insisting on teeth brushing, bathing and basic levels of cleanliness is daily practice that becomes permanent. We can set the standard for modest dress. We can expect good language in our home for our children and their friends. We can require simple chores, all making self-respect more permanent.

Make Integrity Permanent

We can set the standard for honesty in our family, even if the truth means getting in trouble. We can set the example for integrity with fidelity in our marriages and honesty in our work. We can require that our children follow through on promises made, no matter how small. We can discourage gossip in our teenagers. We can have our children return borrowed toys and replace broken items for their rightful owners.

Of course, there are many more good things that parents want made permanent. It is no wonder that the home is the best place for the practice. The good daily choices our children make that seem dull or unimportant are the same simple practices that build permanent and enduring character.

It is best said in the scripture:

“Behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass.” Alma 37:6

Practice makes permanent, and permanent is powerful.

In the past decade, parents have heard much about our childrens' need for high self-esteem. Of course parents want happy and confident kids. What could be better?

As concerned parents, we work hard to help our children become assured. We listen to them, praise them and speak positively to them. We provide them with structure, guidelines and responsibility; a framework to help them feel secure. We drive them to piano, soccer, ballet, art, and baseball to help them develop talents and skills so they can be confident in their own abilities. We help them with school so they feel good about their academic performance. Motivated by love, our efforts help them to develop in healthy ways.

But in our great work, have we missed the simple truths of developing self-esteem? Have we shared with them the secrets that offer greater power, infinite confidence in purpose, and immeasurable joy?

When we give our children the knowledge of who they are, why they are on Earth and where they are going, we give them so much more than a “Way to go!” This knowledge is the true foundation to building a healthy self-esteem.

Who They Are

In famous words by Paul the apostle, we learn who our children are. He declared that we are all children of God. Acts 17:28-29

Modern leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, referred to as the Mormons, have repeated these words in The Family: A Proclamation to the World:

"All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.”

Consider this amazing statement. To be a child of God means that we are eternally significant. It means we have divine heritage. Knowing we are children of a Father in Heaven gives our lives purpose and direction. We have heavenly potential and are dearly loved. Could there be a more powerful message of love, hope and expectation for our children?

Why They Are Here

Our children have an important mission while here on Earth. They are here to learn, progress and prepare to meet God.

"For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors."( Alma 34: 32-33)

Our Father in Heaven sent His Son, Jesus Christ, as the example to follow. The life of the Savior was one of service. He “went about doing good.” (Acts 10:38.)

The talents and skills that our children learn can give them confidence and can be personally enjoyable. A greater purpose in having them is to serve others as Christ did.

Our children can play the piano in a church service, cook meals for a family with a new baby, perform a dance to bring smiles to the elderly in a rest home. Our children can use their abilities to do good in their family, their school, their neighborhood and their future professions. Service for others builds self-esteem. When children serve others, they serve God and work toward achieving their divine potential. (Mosiah 2:17)

Where They Are Going

Our children can know that they can live eternally with their Father in Heaven when this life is over. This is our Father and Jesus Christ's objective. “For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” (Moses 1:39)

Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we can return to live with Him if we strive to keep His commandments and take opportunity to repent when we make mistakes. (Jacob 6:11)

When our children know where they are going, their purposes are sure, their objectives are clear and their potential unmatched – to be joint-heirs with Christ. Again, in the words of Paul the apostle:

“The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.” (Romans 8:16-17)

When our children know who they are, why they are here and where they are going, they can be confident - they are children of God. They can be happy - their life has a plan. They can be empowered - they can return triumphant to their Heavenly Father having reached their potential. Now what could be better than that?

One day my husband asked our energetic four-year-old daughter, "Are you a peacemaker or a troublemaker?" She paused, then decisively pronounced, "I'm a piece of trouble!"

In a world full of pieces of trouble and conflict at every turn, we are challenged to teach our children differently. We have the obligation as parents to teach peace. If we fail to teach peace in the home, it is unlikely that our children will learn the principles of peace in the world.

We have daily opportunity to teach peace. Who gets the bigger cookie? How will chores be fairly divided? What should you do when brother hits? What if sister borrows your shoes without permission or brother breaks your best toy? From toddler to teenager, we have small but frequent opportunities in the home to teach peace. Knowing peace brings joy and happiness. "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God." (Matthew 5:9)

Much contention comes from the fact that each of us has free will. It is not in simply having the will that is the problem, but the wise or poor use of it. Choices that stem from selfishness have bad consequences for the child and usually for the entire family. Wise choices based on love and understanding for others bring peace.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is the foundation for these wise choices. In the midst of World War I, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Joseph F. Smith declared:

“There is only one thing that can bring peace into the world. It is the adoption of the gospel of Jesus Christ, rightly understood, obeyed and practiced by rulers and people alike.” (Improvement Era, Sept. 1914, pp. 1074–75.)

His life and His words give us instructions of teaching peace to our children.

First, pray for peace. We need help beyond our own abilities in a world full of conflict. When we pray both individually and as a family for peace and for one another, we can foster greater understanding and greater love for each other.

Second, learn of peace. The life of the Savior, the Prince of Peace, can effectively teach us. He understood perfectly the need for all of us to have free will, or agency. He fully respected this greatest gift of choice. His life, filled with patience and self-mastery, showed us how we should be and keeps the standard for our behavior high. He commanded us to obey but invites us to choose and does not employ force when teaching gospel truths. His own obedience to the will of the Father shows us we should strive to keep His commandments. His willingness to forgive others and his encouragement of repentance shows us what to do when we make mistakes.

Third, listen for peace. In the book of the Doctrine and Covenants, revelation received by the prophet Joseph Smith, we learn to listen to the Holy Ghost.

“…and you shall receive my Spirit, the Holy Ghost, even the Comforter, which shall teach you the peaceable things of the kingdom.” (D&C 36:2)

Listening to one another also promotes peace. When we begin to have learning conversations with family members instead of blaming or accusing conversations, we can clear up misunderstandings, understand true intentions and show greater love.

Fourth, practice peace. In our families, we have daily opportunity to practice peace. We can teach our children to serve one another and to love one another. Peace is found where righteousness and concern for others comes first. Also found in the Doctrine and Covenants is this counsel:

“But learn that he who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come.” (D&C 59:23)

As parents, we can teach our children to follow the Savior Jesus Christ. Dallin H. Oaks, LDS church leader and apostle, noted in an address entitled World Peace:

The Savior and his Apostles had no program for world peace other than individual righteousness. They mounted no opposition to the rule of Rome or to the regime of its local tyrants. They preached individual righteousness and taught that the children of God should love their enemies and “live peaceably with all men.”

May our children gain the everyday help of mothers and fathers in the quest for peace.