Children

I am looking over my son’s shoulder as he plays on the computer. He can tell I am not happy. “Mom, it’s just a game,” says my six-year old as he plays a video game he found on the Internet. I ask about the objective of the game and he says it is to destroy his opponent. “I get points!” he tells me with enthusiasm. “I’m almost to level three!”

How harmless were the beginnings of video games - a ball going from side to side in the mesmerizing game of Pong. The 80’s arrived with games like Pacman and Space Invaders and the 90’s brought us Sonic, Doom and Laura Croft, with more sex, violence, and more realistic graphics.

I walked into a video game store last month to buy a CD game for my son’s birthday. Row after row of games with titles like “Assassin’s Creed”, “World of Warcraft”, “Grand Theft Auto” and “Command and Conquer” filled the store. It looked as if 95% of the games for sale offered killing, war and sin for a bargain price of $59.95. I left empty-handed and saddened at the gaming “advances” of the last 30 years.

Although there are some good educational and even good entertaining games, they seem to be the great exception. In my own home full of boys, I have yet to see the good in most video games. When my boys play, they show a predictable pattern. There are fights over who got more time, fights about who didn’t get a turn and fights with me when it is time to get off. My normally kind boys are not very nice. My in-home focus group has taught me what science already knows: Violent video games create more aggressive behavior and can be addicting. Studies show that video games actually alter the brain.

“A team of British researchers found that video game playing actually changes the chemistry in the brain by increasing the activity of dopamine. Dopamine is one of the most important neurotransmitters in the brain, controlling movement, attention, and learning." ("Playstation Nation", Bruner &Bruner, 2006, p. 28)

And

“UCLA psychiatrist Carole Lieberman says, “So the brain not only is seeing the images and getting stimulated, but it's practicing a response. When the person is exposed to these violent media stimuli and it excites the psychoneurological receptors, it causes the person to feel this excitement, to feel a kind of high- and then to be addicted to whatever was giving him the high” ("Playstation Nation", Bruner &Bruner, 2006, p. 20)

The new Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games (MMORPG) like EverQuest and World of Warcraft are even more addicting. Players create their own character and go on “missions” with other simultaneous Internet players. The players rely on each other for support. Gamers play for long periods of time to improve their character’s skill to stay up to speed with others. Players can create new identities and live in a world of fantasy where social interaction exists. They feel that they can be part of something grand and extraordinary. For the addicted gamer, the virtual world is more exciting than everyday life.

According to the National Institute for Family and Media, about 92% of children, ages 2-17 play video games regularly. This translates into 59 million young players. Of those children, one in seven players shows signs of an addiction. (www.mediafamily.org)

Unlike other “toys” in childhood, adults who play frequently have a hard time giving up video games. According to the Entertainment Software Association, the average adult gamer has been playing for 12 years. Fifty-three percent of game players expect to be playing as much or more ten years from now than they do today.

Even the American Medical Association brought video game addiction to our attention in 2007, recommending that Internet/video game addiction be a formal diagnostic mental disorder.

I am very grateful for counsel of inspired church leaders who would steer us away from the bad in media and its possible addictions. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons), children and teens are counseled to stay away from violent media.

“Depictions of violence often glamorize vicious behavior. They offend the Spirit and make you less able to respond to others in a sensitive, caring way. They contradict the Savior’s message of love for one another.” (For the Strength of Youth , 19).

What goes into the minds of children is hard to erase. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, an apostle of the Mormon church has said,

“Just as we exercise great care about what we take into our bodies through our mouths, we should exert a similar vigilance about what we take into our minds through our eyes and ears” (“Windows of Light and Truth,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 77).

The effects may not be immediately visible, but they are present. Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles expressed it well when he said:

“I believe the entertainment industry cannot portray on film people gunned down in cold blood, in living color, and not have it affect the attitudes and thoughts of some of the people who see it. … I believe that the desensitizing effect of such media abuses on the hearts and souls of those who are exposed to them results in a partial fulfillment of the Savior’s statement that ‘because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.’" (”When Shall These Things Be?” Ensign, Dec. 1996, 58.)

The scriptures teach us that contention’s source is not from God or His Son, Jesus Christ:

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away. 3 Nephi 11:29-30 .

Not only is contention to be avoided, but it can be replaced with good. Video games try to mimic a sense of purpose and direction. If our children have a knowledge of where they are headed from an eternal point of view, they don’t need a fantasy or escape from reality. They can work toward the eternal reward and find great joy and happiness. And at the end of their lives, they will have a happy day of accounting with God in how they spent their time.

We all need recreation, but Elder M. Russell Ballard recommends that we not let “things get out of balance. It is not watching television, but watching television hour after hour, night after night. Does not that qualify as idling away your time? What will you say to the Lord when He asks what you have done with the precious gift of life and time? Surely you will not feel comfortable telling Him that you were able to pass the 100,000-point level in a challenging video game” (“Be Strong in the Lord,” Ensign, July 2004, 14).

The social wave of video gaming is strong. These games seem to be everywhere. They are in many homes and played by many kids. Video games keep kids busy and quiet, which is a great motivator for busy parents. We've all been there. But the content has evolved into a sneak-attack on unassuming parents. When the virtual killing of humanity becomes "no big deal", it is a wave worth blocking.

I have seen the negative effects of violent games on my children. I have seen friends’ marriages fall apart in part, due to addictions of video gaming. I have read scientific material on the subject and I am convinced.

I tell my boys that I want them to be able to hold a conversation, have a real relationship, and have a hobby that produces and doesn’t consume. There is a time to relax, but a greater sense of purpose will lead them to creative and creation-based play. Because I am convinced, I am selective, firm, and most times unpopular. But I am also grateful.

I am thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ that gives me knowledge of what my Father in Heaven wants me to teach my children. I am grateful for a modern-day prophet and apostles who can give wise counsel as times change. I am thankful for the purpose, direction, joy and excitement that comes from living the gospel. I am grateful for beautiful children that I can love and protect with a hope for their happiness all through their lives.

Mention the word ‘work’ to your kids and you can clear a room faster than a frog catching a fly. Children are growing up in these days lacking the work ethic generations past have shown. If a job is ‘too hard,’ kids are more likely to give up than go the distance.

I’m not saying all kids are afraid and unwilling to work. I’ve seen many who can outdistance some teenagers in what they’re willing and able to accomplish. There are also those who dearly want to help out around the house and yard, but without proper guidance don’t know what to do or how to do it.

Guidance is they key word. One of the greatest compliments I’ve heard given to a mother, said: “She never asked us to do anything without being right there with us to help.” This particular woman had nine children, and a husband who was gone much of the time for work. She didn’t want it spread around the neighborhood that he wasn’t around and so for many years no one knew how much time she spent alone with her children. If she hadn’t taught them to work, it would have been overwhelming.

This family had a BIG garden. Every day this mother was out with her children, showing them which plants were vegetables and which were weeds, and how much water everything needed. When it was time to harvest, the family could be seen outside gathering fruits from trees and veggies from the garden. From a young age boys and girls alike helped in canning what they harvested to help them make it through the year.

For many years I was the exact opposite. I would shoo my children out of the way so I could just get the work done, whether it was cooking, cleaning, or laundry. I didn’t realize just how much my oldest wanted to work with me, not have me do it for her. Fortunately my kids have a father who’s a little more patient, and even taught me how to settle down and take the time to teach our children to work.

The best time to begin teaching a child the value of working hard is in their youth. “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

Joseph B. Wirthlin, an apostle in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (also known as the Mormon Church), spoke briefly of the importance of teaching this value to children.

“Teach your young children to work, and teach them that honest labor develops dignity and self-respect. Help them to find pleasure in work and to feel the satisfaction that comes from a job well done” (Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Spiritually Strong Homes and Families,” Ensign, May 1993).

Convincing children they want to work may at times seem overwhelming. Yet there can be an amazing sense of satisfaction when they’ve accomplished the task at hand. One of our most daunting rooms to clean belongs to my boys. It’s a terrifying sight, as I’m sure those who have boys can attest. It didn’t take long for me to learn that telling them it was time to go clean their room wouldn’t get the job done, and it’s not hard to tell why. Walking through the door (when you can get the door open) and looking at the mess could make even the bravest of men cower.

Here are a few things I learned to encourage my own children to get the job done:

1. Break it up into smaller parts. Whether you’re cleaning a room, washing dishes, or raking the leaves, break the big jobs up into something smaller. If you're working on a room, start with books, or a section of a messy room. Hand them plates first, if washing dishes. If you’re raking leaves, encourage them to start with one small section.

2. Find ways to make it a game. Set a timer and see just how much they can get done before it goes off. Sing a song. Take turns being ‘Supervisor’, and for five minutes let them be the boss.

3. Don’t be afraid to stop and play. Kids love to take play breaks. Just don’t make it too long or they’ll get off task. A mere thirty seconds can work wonders.

4. Don’t let the little things go. By that I mean make sure the job is complete. If they clean their room, make sure they check under the beds, even on top of their beds, or behind a bookshelf. Make sure books are lined up correctly, not just piled on top of each other. If you teach them to do it the right way when they’re young, they’ll continue to do so as they get older.

5. Reward them when they’re done. I’m not talking bribes. I’m talking rewards. Words to praise a good job done. Go to the park or the library. Make cookies together. Read their favorite book.

6. Most important – get in there with them. If you want them to clean their room, get in there and help. If you’re working outside, grab a rake or garbage bag and plow right in. Children learn best when guided by someone they love.

Now I can’t guarantee miracles, but you might find yourselves with some happy workers if you take a hand in helping them learn. As you continue to do this keep in mind as children get older some will want you to continue to help, others will want to try figuring things out themselves. Always be available to help when asked.

This can be a lot to ask, especially when both parents need to work, or there’s only one parent. It is not, however, impossible. If it ever feels like too much to handle, take it to your Heavenly Father. He can give you the strength you need and the opportunities required to do what is right by your children.

I promise you it will be worth the effort.

A sweet woman my husband works with has twin girls just a year older than my own daughter. Every six months or so she goes through her girls’ closet and locates all the clothes that are too small and lovingly hands them over to us. These gifts of clothes come as quite a blessing and we dearly appreciate her thinking of us first. With some of the clothes, however, there is one problem. They’re not very modest.

I will admit to being disturbed by the fashion trends geared towards pre-teen girls. In fact, even when my daughter was seven it was difficult to find clothes that weren’t cut too high or too low, and I was often forced to buy shirts and shorts a size bigger just to ensure her body would be appropriately covered.

The idea of being modest needs to be taught early in a child’s life. Think of where your child will be in five years. What do you want your child to hold important then that you can start teaching him/her about now?

I’ve been working with my daughter since she was about five to consider which clothes show too much skin, making them immodest. The idea of modesty is certainly not new. I would imagine many in today’s world consider the idea to be rather old-fashioned. Fortunately, old-fashioned doesn’t have to mean unnecessary.

I teach girls age 12-17 in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or Mormon Church as it is also known. Some of the girls are great when it comes to dressing modestly: skirts/dresses to the knee or below, shirts cut long on the bottom and not too low on the neck, clothes that don’t fit too tight. I can tell that these girls have been taught since they were young what dressing modestly is all about.

Other girls have a harder time with the idea. I don't know if it’s by their own choice, or because they were never taught what being modest in their dress is all about. In those cases we, as leaders, try to help them on an individual basis to subtly modify their clothes to become more modest. It’s also important to tell them why. (If you’d like a guide on how to dress modestly, go to “Staying Modest".)

Why is it so important to teach our children to be modest?

“Our body is a gift from God; it is necessary for us to progress; we had to come to earth to get it; we must take care of it; one of the blessings of having a body is that someday we will be able to create other bodies” (Terrance D. Olson, “Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar 1981).

When it comes to teaching children about anything, even about why we should be modest, keep it simple. They don’t need a lot of details. Most of what we know they would never fully understand. Only when your children get a little older will they require a little more knowledge.

Think about how God teaches us. We can read in Isaiah 28:13,

“But the word of the LORD was unto them precept upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little.”

We see this idea again in the Book of Mormon, another testament of Christ, when we look in 2 Nephi 28:30.

“For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have.”

As we grow in the things of the spirit and become prepared, the Lord will grant us with more knowledge. It’s important we treat our children the same thing.

“By teaching the Lord’s view on moral cleanliness, we are offering our children a standard by which alternative views can be seen for what they really are: alternatives to the Lord’s view” (Terrance D. Olson, “Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar 1981).

The Lord wants us to have healthy, beautiful bodies, and to keep them appropriately dressed.

Going through the clothes freely given to us by my husband’s co-worker, I find it’s now possible to give my daughter the lead as to what she wants to keep and what we will give away. Though she may not understand all of the reasons it's important to remain appropriately dressed, she has learned how to judge what is modest. I can testify this will be a strength to her as she gets older.

“The power to choose is one of the greatest gifts God has given humanity. Children who are allowed to share in family decisions will be more willing to obey family rules" ('10 Ways to Teach Values in the Home').

Ask anyone who has ever had his or her freedoms forcibly taken away. No one wants to be forced to do something. Especially not a child. This is a lesson difficult for many parents to understand. Yet it is the final thing stressed in the pamphlet mentioned above, put out by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons).

Allowing our children the opportunity to help make decisions that directly affect them is vital in helping them learn how to have some form of control over their lives. Have you ever met someone who’s never been allowed the chance to make his own decision? I have, and it’s nothing for a parent to brag about. If a child can’t learn to make even little decisions, how can we expect them to make the big ones?

When it comes to letting our children makes their own decisions, be careful these are appropriate for their age and responsibility levels. Someone who is four could decide how many times a week she will take a bath. A child closer to ten could decide on what time he’ll get his homework done (such as after school or dinner).

The great thing about doing this is it gives your children some freedom, but it doesn’t infringe on your family’s nonnegotiable values. It gives your children a sense of control, but still keeps the decisions within your own limits.

I’ve mentioned this before, and I do it mostly because of how important it is. It is imperative that you explain to your children the reasons behind each family rule, as well as the values attached to them. Children deserve to know why you have set up certain rules. Just as parents and adults need to understand why they are being asked to follow certain decisions, children should be allowed the same respect.

If you decide everyone needs to be involved in doing the laundry, explain why. Let your children know it’s not easy for Mom to do all the laundry, especially as the children grow and the laundry just gets bigger. For younger children, keep the rules simple. It can be their job to put their dirty clothes in the hamper. They can even help sort socks and put clothes in the drawers. For older children, encourage them to sort clothes into whites, lights, and darks. By this age they should be old enough to put their own laundry away. Granted they may not do a great job (I rarely look in my daughter’s drawers unless absolutely necessary), but that’s not the point.

Look for other areas where children can help set up their own rules. It could be in setting a curfew, inviting friends over, planning family activities, or different household chores. If you let your children help in making these rules and the consequences if the rules are broken, they’ll be much more likely to follow them. Also let your children know why these rules and values are important. It’ll make the learning process that much more potent.

In the pamphlet “10 Ways to Teach Values in the Home” put out by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons), we are told teaching values is one of our “fundamental responsibilities” as a parent or guardian. Therefore it is up to us to decide which values are nonnegotiable, and which ones we can be a bit more flexible with.

“Teach your children that these nonnegotiable values must be honored because they are essential for family relationships to run smoothly.”

For example, in our own family the value of tithing must be followed. It’s nonnegotiable. The first thing that comes out of each paycheck for my husband and I is the tithing. The first thing our children are asked to do with any money they earn is pay their own tithing. We’re tying to teach them it’s not just a good thing to do, it’s required by the Lord.

Abraham of old paid tithing (Genesis 14:20). In Genesis 28, Jacob covenants to pay tithing. In Numbers 18:26 we are even taught how much we should pay:

“Thus speak unto the Levites, and say unto them, When ye take of the children of Israel the tithes which I have given you from them for your inheritance, then ye shall offer up an heave offering of it for the Lord, even a tenth part of the tithe.”

It’s not an easy lesson to learn (as my son will loudly declare), but the blessings that come from paying tithing are wonderful, and we want our children to know it for themselves.

Making sure the children have their room always clean isn’t a value we push. It’s negotiable. At least once a week we ask that they do a cursory cleaning, and then on Fridays they need to have the entire room picked up. It’s not a daily task in our home. This might not be the case in other families.

Take some time out to discuss which values are negotiable and which are not. Feel free to bring your children in on this discussion. Let them know what it means to have something that’s not negotiable. Seriously listen to their own opinions on what values they feel should be more flexible. When setting up the permanent values, help your children understand why it needs to be that way.

Other nonnegotiable values might be family prayer, or daily reading from the scriptures, or having Sunday dinner all together. For older children is could be a curfew set when they’re at a friends’ house, or getting to their homework right after dinner. What values are necessary for your own family to run smoothly? What values are more flexible for you?

I’ve discussed this next idea from “10 Ways to Teach Values in the Home” before. This time I’d like to discuss a few key points brought out from the pamphlet that was published by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons).

Looking for chances to teach your children any lesson is likened to Jesus teaching parables. These parables “helped his followers understand important principles.” In much the same way we can help our own children understand and live these same values.

In the pamphlet we are encouraged to do two particular things:

1. “Use familiar phrases or memory devices to help your children remember important family values.”

In other words, all those trite phrases we as adults laugh at really work. Think along the lines of, “A penny saved is a penny earned,” or perhaps, “Honesty is the best policy” (Don Quixote). The reason they’re still around after all these years is they’re easy to memorize, and get the point across.

2. “Teach your children right from wrong. Discuss the consequences of making good or bad choices, of keeping or breaking family rules. When your children make wrong choices, act promptly and consistently to administer the consequences or allow them to occur.”

Children need to know why. It’s not enough to simply tell them no, or what they did wrong. They need to hear the whys involved. Otherwise the only lesson learned is, “If I do that again Mom or Dad will be mad.”

When my oldest was only five years old she and my mother were spending the day together. They were second in line to checkout at a store. Right in front of my daughter was a boy, a little younger than her, who was eyeing a bunch of balloons that had fallen from their bins right up front. He noticed my daughter watching him, placed his finger up to his smiling lips, and picked up one of the balloons.

It wasn’t until my daughter and Grandma got out to the car that she started crying. Grandma couldn’t figure out why until from the depths of her little pocket my daughter pulled out a bright, pink balloon.

Are you all thinking "Teaching Moment" right now? Fortunately for me Grandma was. In the end my daughter went back inside to say what she’d done, and paid for the balloon with the few coins she’d brought along.

The story doesn’t actually end there. During the course of the morning I got a phone call from Grandma, who told me the entire thing. “She’s so upset,” I was told, “and is worried about what you’re going to say.” My poor little girl thought I would be so mad and couldn’t enjoy her time with Grandma until I’d forgiven her (which I promptly did). My daughter had already handed out her own punishment. I didn't need to do more.

Not all teaching moments are so obvious. Sometimes it’s the simple act of working together, and teaching your child to do a job well. Children love to work alongside their parents. My kids love to wash dishes with Mom (Mom’s not quite as enthusiastic about it, so it doesn’t happen as often as it should). During this time we look carefully at each item to be sure it’s really clean. This teaches them to do a thorough job. It also teaches them about being clean, so we’re not eating dirty dishes. Not only that but it opens up the lines of communication where other teaching moments will appear.

Just today my 5-yr old and I were playing 'Go Fish.' He kept wanting to bend a few rules, to make it easier for both of us to play. Right then I knew I needed to let him know the rules are set up for a reason, and we needed to follow them so everyone could have a good time.

We must be mindful of our children. Finding these teaching moments requires observation on our part. Be mindful, if something is a big deal to your child, it should be a big deal to you. Take their concerns and their joys seriously. It is in these things we will find the best teaching moments.

It frightens me some days to listen to my daughter. She recently turned ten, so in my eyes she’s still quite young. Certainly she’s too young to worry about being too fat, or too thin, or about boys saying inappropriate things. She has to be too young to want fake nails like her friend Chelsea, or to dress as fashionably as her other friend Crystal. Right?

Apparently not. It’s bad enough that teens are made to feel everything about them is never good enough. Now Satan is attacking children, and two of his greatest tactics are through friends and the media.

My children are fairly sheltered when it comes to media in our home. Any magazines or books they have access to are not just age appropriate, but gone through by Mom or Dad before the kids get them. We try to keep the television on PBS so the kids can watch clean, uplifting shows. Even our movies are monitored. Children pick up so easily on things we may not even realize. We learned this the hard way.

A few years ago my husband and I brought out a movie we both loved when we were younger. Neither one of us remembered how bad the language was in one particular spot. We didn’t even realize how quickly our (then) four-year old picked up on it until one rather memorable day. He was pretending to play one of the characters in this movie, and out of his sweet, innocent mouth popped a fairly nasty word. It turned out to be the very same word the character spoke in the movie.

Needless to say, our son had a really good talking to, and the movie is no longer in our home.

We are cautioned to monitor the media in the pamphlet “10 Ways to Teach Values in the Home.” This pamphlet was put out by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) back in 1996. If the leaders of the Church found the dangerous influence of the media alarming back then, how much worse is it now?

The dangers of the media come in two forms. The first is in time spent with family. Sitting in front of the television is not quality time, merely quantity. We might be sitting side by side, but there’s no interaction going on. I myself am guilty of this. Frequently I end up telling the kids to be quiet so I can hear better. The only message I’m sending to them is what I’m watching is more important than what they have to say. Time spent in front of the T.V. must be limited.

The other form comes in the message being sent. Seven o’clock (central time) used to be a family hour on television. Not any more. The things shown at this time of night are completely inappropriate for children (frankly some aren’t even appropriate for adults). Parents are faced with a choice: turn off the television, or send your kids to their rooms an hour earlier.

No matter how we may try to keep our kids innocent, something will always slip in. Even though I may try hard to keep these influences out of our home, it doesn’t mean everyone else in the world is doing the same. That’s when we need to be ready to discuss what our children are exposed to, not matter how uncomfortable it may make us.

In “10 Ways to Teach Values in the Home” we read:

“Be aware of the media your children use. Discuss with your children what they listen to, watch, and read. Help them understand what consequences the negative acts depicted by the media can have.”

When my daughter talks of wanting to be fashionable, I try to pull up scriptures of what happens to people who focus on things like ‘costly apparel.’ For example we can read in Alma 1:32 in the Book of Mormon:

“For those who did not belong to their church did indulge themselves in sorceries, and in idolatry or idleness, and in babblings, and in envyings and strife; wearing costly apparel; being lifted up in the pride of their own eyes; persecuting, lying, thieving, robbing, committing whoredoms, and murdering, and all manner of wickedness; nevertheless, the law was put in force upon all those who did transgress it, inasmuch as it was possible.”

Costly apparel is listed here among some of the most wicked sins. Yet my daughter is repeatedly confronted by magazines, music and movie stars, even songs and books that try to convince her to wear the most fashionable clothes. Even her friends tell her it’s the thing to do. It will make her happy if she merely conforms.

This is not the way to true happiness, and as parents it is our job to help our children recognize this. We must be aware of those things our children are exposed to. We need to monitor how much time and the content of what they watch or read or play on the computer. Most of all, we need to help provide alternatives to the media.

We as parents are our children’s greatest defense when it comes to the influence of the world.

Good family traditions seem to be fading in today’s fast-paced world. Yet spending time together during those times can have an exceptional meaning for your own family. It is a huge link in keeping your family chain together.

"Family traditions are like spiritual and emotional cement in the foundation of a happy home. They create fond memories, and these memories bond us together as nothing else can" ("Traditions Worth Keeping," Ensign, Mar 1986).

Family traditions can be made at any time of the year. The fantastic thing about creating these traditions is the simple way it can make your children feel, like your family is something special. This particular value, creating family traditions, is discussed in “10 Ways to Teach Values in the Home.” This is a pamphlet put out by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or Mormon Church as it is more commonly known.

“Family traditions…are often celebrated with holidays, and they hold a special meaning for a family, linking children to parents in a common heritage. By continuing or beginning family traditions, you can foster pride, unity, and a sense of stability.”

It’s true most traditions are built around holidays. The reading of Jesus’ birth around Christmas time is one, staying up until midnight on New Year’s Eve is another. Lighting fireworks on the 4th of July in America (Independence Day) is one of my kids’ favorite traditions.

I would go beyond this to encourage you to start traditions outside of the holidays. I can immediately think of at least one my family does every summer. While Utah is commonly known for great skiing, there is an added beauty of the mountains come the warmer months. One of my favorite places to go is Lake Silver, located up by Brighton Skiing Resort. They have a boardwalk and little trail that circles the entire lake. Along the way my children love to look into the water and try to catch sight of a fish or two. They also love to collect rocks and toss them in. Every summer for the last five or six years I’ve taken pictures of my kids up there.

Not only are they enjoying the wildlife and scenery, they are also able to read about what a watershed is, why the lake has shrunk over many years, and loads of other things they might not otherwise find interesting.

Traditions can be carried on from what you used to do with your parents and siblings as a child. Family reunions or a summer camping trip where you include extended family members. Putting up decorations on your Christmas tree. Think about those traditions that made you feel like your family was something extra special.

Talk to your children. Find out what they enjoy doing together as a family. Though these traditions may only last a few years, at least your children will retain the memories. Not only that but they’ll remember how important it was for you to spend the time with them.

Embrace righteous traditions and I can testify they will only lead to increased blessings in the lives of your family.

Service is a value that sits within the top two or three for my family. Both my husband and I were brought up in families that focused on serving within the home as well as outside the home. The great thing about serving others is we learn so many other priceless values at the same time.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon Church) put out a pamphlet titled “10 Ways to Teach Values in the Home.” In the section under “Serve with Your Family” we read:

“Parents can teach children important basic values through serving others. Children who serve are likely to learn valuable lessons about kindness, sacrifice, compassion, and giving.”

Service doesn’t have to be hard, yet it can yield innumerable blessings.

While your children are young look to helping them find ways to serve other family members. It’s amazing how much our attitude about a sibling or parent can change when we try to serve them. Part of what helps connect my own kids is working on service projects together. Whether it’s a group effort to clean rooms, helping with homework, or working out in the yard, the more they work together the better they seem to get along in the long run.

Look outside the home for service opportunities. Our little home is surrounded by other little homes. I’ve lived in it for just over 11 years now, yet it wasn’t until after I’d been here at least five years that I began to really know my neighbors. Though we’d smile and wave in passing, there was nary a word passed between us except for my neighbors to the north. Though I love getting to know people, I’m very shy by nature and hate to make the first move. This can become a problem when the other person is much the same way.

One particular winter we had a vicious snowstorm come through. For two days the stream of white flakes refused to let up, and my husband and I began to run out of dry socks, shoes and coats as we repeatedly headed outside to keep up with the piling snow. It didn’t help that the power was out, either.

About halfway through Saturday we’d managed to keep up with our house and the neighbor’s to the north (we didn’t want them out in it too much as they were in their 70’s). That’s when we began to look at the houses around us. With an almost unspoken agreement we each headed to our neighboring houses and began to dig them all out. This one (backbreaking) act opened up the lines of communication on all sides. Since then they’ve become more like family.

Beyond shoveling snow we like to bring them food. A big joke in our house is when leftovers go into the fridge they don’t come back out until you can’t really tell what they used to be. So rather than waste the food, we take it to some of our neighbors. One particular woman can’t cook too often because her hands hurt, so getting something homemade is a treat for her and her husband. I usually have one of my kids take the food over so they can see just how much it’s appreciated.

Along with giving service, don’t be afraid to accept it as well. Allow your children to see that being served can also bring great blessings. I recall the year we needed to have a weeping willow tree cut down in our backyard. The Boy Scouts in our ward (congregation) made us a service project. It would have cost us thousands of dollars to have someone do what they did.

Look at your child’s talents and help them to find ways to use these gifts to serve others. Using their natural talents will help them realize serving others can be easy. Cooking comes easily to me therefore my children see that giving a little service doesn’t have to be hard. Yet shoveling is not my favorite thing in the world, so my children also know that sometimes it’s important to push beyond our natural abilities.

Above all stress how important giving service was to the Lord.

“…Verily I say unto you, inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me” (Matthew 25:40).

And again we read in the Book of Mormon – another testament of Christ:

“And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God” (Mosiah 2:17).

Service is a value to be treasured. It is one of the most direct ways to show the pure love of Christ. I can testify that one of the best things you can teach your children is to serve their fellow man.

It seems rather fitting that as we approach the end of one year and prepare to begin a new, we talk for a moment about helping children to set goals. I prefer not to use the term “resolution” as it tends to become a joke – something we say we want to accomplish yet never do.

The fantastic thing about setting goals is the importance it places on making step-by-step approaches to eventually accomplishing it. Simply stating, “I want to get an A in math by March” doesn’t get very far if there are no guidelines to follow, or nothing to help mark ones progress.

I tend to think of helping children set goals much like trying to get my boys to clean their room. When they first walk in it looks so daunting. How on earth can two little boys manage to take such extraordinary chaos and turn it into order?

We begin by giving certain assignments. One boy is in charge of putting dirty clothes in the hamper. The other boy is in charge of locating books and placing them back on the bookshelf. After this is done one boy has the duty of locating and replacing blankets and pillows to the bed, while the other tries to create a walking path amid the toys. With these smaller, simpler steps the clutter begins to clear and once again we can see the floor.

Setting and accomplishing goals is much the same. The thought of getting that ‘A’ when you’re not even on passing level feels like jumping across the Grand Canyon. Impossible. If we take this goal, and break it up into even smaller goals, the end result doesn’t seem quite as daunting.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon Church) puts out a pamphlet called “10 Ways to Teach Values in the Home.” In the section titled ‘Help Children Set Goals’ we read:

“Children should help determine the direction of their lives. Teach your children that the decisions they make while still young greatly affect their futures…Helping them set short- and long-term goals helps you teach them important values.”

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints> sets up several programs for goal setting. It starts as early as eight-years old with the ‘Faith in God’ program for young boys and girls. The earlier children begin learning this value, the easier it will be to accomplish the bigger things later in life.

How does one begin helping their child make these goals? The pamphlet first urges us to talk with our children. What are their plans for the future? What are their interests? Really listen to what they have to say and then give them some input. Most of all express your confidence in their abilities to help make these decisions.

Next, discuss some of the values they’ve learned at home, and how those values might help inspire them in these goals. In doing this you can help your child understand the importance of these values you’ve been trying to help them learn.

I think there are several times during the year you can sit down with your children to set the goals. The most obvious is New Years Day. Another time might be at the beginning of Summer. Right before school starts would be another great idea. Encourage your children to set at least one goal that will last throughout the year. For example, getting their homework done before bedtime every night. Or reading their scriptures for at least ten minutes every day.

The thought of doing this all year long will feel daunting, so break it up into little portions. Don’t be afraid to offer your children little rewards for a job well done. If they make it for two weeks, or a month, let them pick out a reward. When they make it for three whole months, make the reward a little bigger. At the half-year mark, have another celebration. By the time the year is complete, odds are the goal will have become a habit.

If doing a goal for an entire year seems just too long, or your children are simply too young for such a big goal, try starting them out on some shorter goals. Eating the required allotment of fruits and veggies every day. You could include your child in that by asking what fruits and vegetable are their favorites. During the warmer months you could set a goal to go walking or playing hard for at least fifteen minutes every day.

Make an effort to include your children in this process. The more they feel included, the more energy they’ll put into accomplishing these goals. Setting and accomplishing goals can become a wonderful life-long habit, that will only serve to enrich the lives of your children.

Mention the word ‘genealogy’ to me and odds are my eyes will immediately begin to glaze over. It’s not that I don’t value genealogy or that I’m not interested. Well, maybe just a little bit not interested. A lot of people are able to embrace genealogy. My mother is fantastic when it comes to researching family lines. That was just one passion that skipped me.

If you were to change that one word to two and say let’s talk about family history, then my ears will prick and my mind will begin to churn with story after story. It is in the stories and pictures that genealogy comes alive for me.

Getting children excited about family history is unbelievably easy. One of my kids’ favorite things to do is look at pictures. Thanks to the availability of online websites, and local museums or historical libraries, we have access to numerous resources to access pictures of our ancestors. Seeing faces of those long gone can quickly bring them to life for children.

The great thing is there is always a story to go along with each of those faces. My mother-in-law set about creating a family history book for each of her children. In it she includes little histories or stories of ancient (and not so ancient) family members. Not only that but she included genealogy charts to help clear up who belongs where. She even included the words to some of their favorite songs and children’s stories they loved to sing and read over the years. This book is treasured by my husband. He has turned to it frequently when wanting to recount a story to our children.

I really didn’t begin to understand all that was included in family history until I was almost out of high school. At that time a book was published about one of my ancestors. His name was George Reynolds, and he was asked by the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon Church) at that time to become the test case for one of the polygamy trials. I could hardly believe one of my ancestors was actually interesting enough to have a whole book written about him.

A little while after this time I began to really listen to what I then considered to be the ramblings of my grandfather. It wasn’t until just before he died that I realized I should have been listening to the stories he tried to pass on about his life and that of my grandmother, who I’d never met. That is something I regret to this day.

Why should we get our children interested in family history? In the pamphlet “10 Ways to Teach Values in the Home” put out by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we are taught:

“Teaching your children about their family history and maintaining ties with extended family gives family members a sense of belonging and a better understanding of themselves.”

My family has quite a mixture of physical features. The first thing you’ll notice is my older brother and I have red hair, while my parents and younger brother have brown. Both my brothers are tall while I’m…well…not. Neither is my mother. My father is quite tall. He and my younger brother have brown eyes while my mom and older brother have green. I was blessed with hazel.

For the first several years of my life I was convinced I was adopted, simply because I didn’t seem to fit in with the rest of my family. For years I couldn’t figure out where my features came from until we started talking about family history. Back on my dad’s side (way, way back) there is a line of family who have the last name of Redhead. Pretty cool I thought. Not only that but we were able to explore a significant part of my mother’s side of the family where we discovered both red hair and hazel eyes are both quite prevalent. Suddenly, I knew that I really did fit in.

The pamphlet suggests a few ways to help your children make a start at learning about their family history. First we need to tell our children about their ancestors. These stories can come not only from us but from extended family members as well. Attend family reunions and visit extended family often. Get people talking about their memories of parents and grandparents. Try buying a handheld recorder to help get these memories down. One of my brothers-in-law was able to copy onto CD some recordings of their grandmother before she passed away. Not only can our kids now see pictures and hear stories about their great-grandma, but they can hear her voice as well. Lastly, give your kids copies of these stories, pictures and records as well.

Family history involved so much more than names and dates, and getting children to embrace their legacy can be a fun experience. In doing this we can help to fulfill that which was prophesied in Malachi 4:6.

“And he shall turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers…”

I recall one day when my daughter was about two-years old. She was eating some lunch at the table and I was tidying up the kitchen when suddenly I heard her say, “Stupid.”

I was shocked and distraught. While most people might not consider this to be a bad word, I’ve never been one who allows name-calling. This doubly disturbed me because I couldn’t for the life of me figure out where she had heard it. So far as I could tell it hadn’t been said on any of her favorite PBS kids shows, we didn’t let her watch movies beyond Winnie the Pooh, and certainly her father and I had never said it. Right?

I puzzled over this for quite some time. One day my darling daughter and I traveled along the highway when a driver cut me off. I muttered something under my breath, not really thinking about what I was saying, until this high-pitched sweet voice called out, “Stupid.”

What?!? It was me. All me. The woman who had emphatically declared no one should ever be called a mean name was the one calling other drivers stupid. You have no idea how hard it was for me to tell that to my husband. Of course we both laughed, but it brought home the fact that I needed to be much more careful about what I say and do around my children.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or Mormon Church, put out a pamphlet titled “10 Ways to Teach Values in the Home.” Today we're going to talk about us as parents and leaders of these children. Under “Teach by Example” we read:

“Actions speak louder than words, particularly in relationships between parents and children. Your actions powerfully influence your children’s behavior throughout their lives, for good or bad, because they learn adult behavior by watching you. Living the way you want your children to live has more influence than merely lecturing them about what values they should have.”

This brings to my mind the aphorism “Do as I say, not as I do.” How many of us preach and preach about how to live right to our children, yet can’t bring ourselves to live the same laws? Instead of learning that the values you are attempting to instill in them are important, they’ll learn hypocrisy, distrust, and will not respect you as they grow older.

The pamphlet encourages us to ask ourselves the following:

· How do I resolve disputes? How do I want my children to resolve disputes?
· How do I speak of others? How do I want my children to speak of others?
· How do I treat others? How do I want my children to treat others?
· What are my work habits? What work habits do I want my children to have?

The truth is these questions could go on and on, but this is a fantastic start. We need to take stock of how we are doing in our personal value systems before we can begin to help our children build their own.

The great thing is if we find something we need to work on for ourselves as well as for our children, it can be a family effort. This will bring home the fact that what you are trying to instill in your child is very important to you.

Above all, think about what sort of effect your actions are now having on your children’s behavior. It’s never an easy thing to do, but in the end it will be worth it.

One of the best ways to help a child learn a good value system is to give them age-appropriate responsibilities in the home. From the “10 Ways to Teach Values in the Home” pamphlet put out by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or Mormon Church, we learn that giving your children responsibilities can help them “form a core of moral values. These values guide the children to do what is right, not what others tell them.”

Start off by showing your child what to do. Work with them side-by-side in the tasks assigned. Not only will you be helping them learn to do something new, but having you there will make your child feel special.

A few months ago I started letting my oldest work with me in the kitchen making dinner. She’s enjoying the process of learning some cooking basics, feels like she’s pretty cool at the things she can now do, and our relationship has grown closer as well. It’s a great time for us to talk about how things went that day.

Once your child has grasped the task, let him begin doing it on his own. Give much praise for a job well done. If you’ve taught him well, he should have done a terrific job. One warning: don’t ever, ever go in and begin redoing the job right in front of him. This will counteract everything you have built with your child and cause him to feel he’s not good enough. Could you imagine someone coming in behind you and redoing your hard work? Feel free to come back and help him again. Children love having Mom and Dad help.

One week my boys were asked to clean their room all by themselves. When they proclaimed it was done I walked in, and most everything was piled on their bed. Looking at their faces stopped me from saying anything negative. Their eyes were big and wide and hoping I’d give them the praise they deserved; after all, they had gotten everything up off the floor, just like I’d asked. Instead of telling them what they’d done wrong, I turned it around and said, “All right! Now that the floor is all clean how about we clean off your bed?” The three of us proceeded to pick everything up off the bed and put them in their proper places. We continued this process until the boys decided it wasn’t worth cleaning it twice, and tried harder to put their toys where they belonged.

All of this will not happen in a week. Or even two weeks. It may not happen for several months. Be patient. Just as it isn’t easy for adults to learn something new, it isn’t always easy for children either. Repeatedly offer praise for their efforts, and guide them with kind and gentle words.

Don’t forget that these responsibilities must be age appropriate. Not only that, they should be child appropriate. Some children develop faster than others, and what one child could do at eight-years old another may struggle with. If you see your child stressed beyond reason perhaps that one job should wait for a few months until they are more able to complete it.

Helping out in the home will harvest many blessings. Children will learn self-discipline as they put aside those things they’d rather be doing to accomplish the tasks they are in charge of. They gain a sense of what it means to be responsible and dependable. Respect of the work they are asked to do will also increase.

Your relationship with your child will strengthen as you personally guide them in their new responsibilities. Children learn so much better in the home by the example of loving parents. It is from you that they begin to fashion their self-image.

In his talk, "The Tongue of Angels" Jeffrey R. Holland, an apostle in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said:

“We must be so careful in speaking to a child. What we say or don’t say, how we say it and when is so very, very important in shaping a child’s view of himself or herself. But it is even more important in shaping that child’s faith in us and their faith in God. Be constructive in your comments to a child – always" (Ensign, May 2007)

The best way to teach our children is through our own example. If you want them to work hard, show them how to do it. I can tell you from experience those who grow up to be responsible, dedicated, and respectful in their work are some of the most valued people in the world.