Children

I read yesterday of a family with four children who were removed from an airline flight because of their noise and restlessness. One son had autism and a daughter had cerebral palsy. It was the childrens’ first flight. On another flight, a family was removed because their 3-year-old was crying. What surprised me the most about these stories was the enthusiastic “Kick them off and good riddance” chorus in the follow-up commentary.

Of course safety and respect for other passengers is warranted. But I think it shows a general intolerance our society has for anyone who annoys or irritates us.

I believe we are teaching by example the exact opposite of what we want our children to learn and to become. This intolerance is in opposition to the doctrine of Jesus Christ.

In Paul the apostle’s epistle to the Ephesians he encourages the Saints to act:

"With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;" (Ephesians 4:2)

Paul then teaches the Collosians a similar doctrine:

“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” (Collosians 3:13)

The author of this doctrine taught by Paul was the Savior, Jesus Christ. Christ had feelings of love and respect for children. They showed through His actions during His ministry.

“And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.” (Mark 10:13-16)

No doubt when He was teaching, there were children who were excited and fidgety. There were probably some who were wandering around, digging in the dirt with a stick or throwing rocks to while away the time. Some were probably tired or hungry. I am sure there were some who were crying or hanging on their mother’s skirt. He knows that this is who they are and what they do. His patience and love for the children was personal and great. His blessing for the children was not a group blessing, but an individual one for each child.

His example and counsel tells us that patience and forbearance are traits that should be developed. In a confined space with no where to go, airline travel may just be the most perfect place to acquire these traits. Perhaps we ought to "glory in tribulations; also knowing that tribulation worketh patience.” (Romans 5:3)

Children learn most by example. They repeat actions that are done to them. If we want kind and tolerant children, we must first show them kindness and tolerance and live the doctrine taught by the Savior. Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley (15th President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) stated:

"Teach your children goodness. Teach them civility toward others...Let there be taught in the homes of people that we are all children of God, our Eternal Father, and that as surely as there is fatherhood, there can and must be brotherhood. Let there be taught respect for womanhood and manhood. Let every husband speak with respect, kindness, and appreciation for his wife. Let every wife look for and speak of the virtues of her husband...Is this old-fashioned? Of course it is. It is as old as truth itself." (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Four Simple Things to Help Our Families and Our Nations,” Ensign, Sep 1996, 2)

I can teach my own children good manners with love. I can practice patience and long-suffering when a child behind me on a flight kicks my seat or plays with the fold-down tray. When they are grown and airborne, I hope they will show me the same kindness if I snore or talk too much. My family can follow the counsel of Peter, the apostle, to develop a divine nature: through diligence, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness, brotherly kindness and charity. (Peter 1:4-7)

It’s the growing season and I’ve just planted my seeds in our garden. What a thrill to watch something so small grow into something so miraculous and productive.

It’s also a week before my kids are out of school for the summer. I take a deep breath and feel a pang of anxiety, wondering if I am ready for them to be home all day long. But I know that we will quickly settle into a summer routine and all will be well.

More than that, I know that summer is the perfect growing season for my children. It is a season of long stretches of unscheduled time. There are fewer deadlines and more rest. There are no organized sports or homework. It is not a time to listen to complaints of boredom (although I am sure I will hear that, too). Instead, it is the perfect time to plant a seed of potential and watch it grow for the next three months.

In a church talk on Sunday, the speaker discussed a belief of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons). He noted that there are three things that we can take with us after this life is over: our learning and experience, church ordinances and our family relationships.

Learning lasts. In a book of scripture called the Doctrine and Covenants, it states:

Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection. (D&C 130:18)

Learning becomes knowledge. Knowledge authors skill. Skill develops potential. Our children have untapped potential which is both earthly and divine. They can become anything and can do anything.

So how do we help our kids dig up that potential and get it to grow? One experience taught me what grows potential and what kills it.

One summer, I decided to follow a recommendation by a child development researcher who said that kids should become a neighborhood or family “expert” on something. This helps to develop skill and increase confidence.

I decided that it would be our summer project. I asked my children what they wanted to become an “expert” on, and my fourth grader chose computer animation.

Like a gardener who gives a plant basic elements to grow, I stood back and watched in amazement as he downloaded a free 30-day trial for the software, then bought the product with his own money, spent hours on online tutorials and mastered the Macromedia Flash product over the summer. His learning and endurance was shocking to my husband and me. He was willing to sacrifice everything he had to offer to learn this new skill.

The next summer, I asked the kids the same question. This time, I suggested that my son continue his Flash skill and learn to build web sites. I bought an online class for him and offered to hire a tutor. I asked him to build me a web site. He said he would, then sat down and played computer games for the next two weeks. Clearly, I had done something to kill the seed of potential.

Like the 5 elements for a plant: dirt, sun, air, water, and time, I learned that there are also 5 elements for the growth of potential.

A Supportive Environment (Dirt)
A supportive home environment is like dirt for potential. Parents don’t create the seed of passion-driven potential, but we can help it grow. Instead of ignoring or putting off the dreams, we can say “yes.” Asking questions and listening seems to be the right approach to get the seed planted at the right depth. Questions like “Tell me about your interest.” “How do you want to go about learning that?” “What can you do to help us fit that in to our schedule” and “How can we help?” works well.

Ownership (Sun)
Ownership is like the sun. Our Father in Heaven knows our need to make choices. Our earthly existence is based on this principle of agency. It is through these choices that we progress. We must remember that our children are doing the learning, not us. When we ask “Don’t you really want to learn about…?” or say “That looks cool. Can I learn it at the same time?” or “Tell me all about it. I want to hear every detail.” We are standing over them, blocking their light or are asking them to move over because we want to grow. When we encourage them to take ownership, they are in full sun.

Sacrifice (Air)
Reaching for their goal by sacrifice is the air they need to grow. When we want it so badly for them that we reach for them or over-help because we don’t want them to fail, we take away their air and smother them. We can give choices and allow them to define their own purpose. Because they have purpose, they will willingly sacrifice time, energy and money to develop their potential. Surprisingly, when they have purpose, it doesn’t seem like sacrifice or work to them.

Recognize Their Progress (Water)
When we recognize their progress, it is like pouring water on the seed. It encourages and fosters growth. If we show no interest or say nothing, we are drying them out. When we over-praise and say “That is the most incredible thing in the world I have ever seen. You are an amazing genius,” we are over-watering and flooding them out, weakening their root structure. When we say, “Wow. Smart thinking. Your initiative is impressive. I am interested in what you are learning. Tell me about it,” we are watering at the right amount.

Time
Just like a plant, potential needs time to grow. They need uninterrupted time to dig deeply into their subject. Summer is ideal. When we are rushed or overscheduled, they have no time to discover their passion. Likewise, if we offer non-stop entertainment, they will always be distracted. Without time to think, they can never consider or discover their potential. And when we watch over them constantly, it’s like pulling up the plant to see if the roots are growing.

With these 5 elements, our children can grow the seeds of potential. They can grow and learn. Their new skill prepares them for service – they have something they can contribute.

Their new knowledge and skills can be combined with faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to help them achieve both their earthly and divine potential. They can use their skills and knowledge to serve God and their fellow man.

Sheri Dew, former counselor in the Mormon women’s organization, tells us the importance of understanding our potential. We all have a divine mission and purpose, and no one can take our place.

“The Lord knows who we are, where we are, what our mission is, and what we need in order to accomplish that mission. Not only has He known us for a long, long time, He has loved us for a long, long time. We are here now because we are supposed to be here now. No one else can have the influence or do the good that we were prepared and foreordained to have and do. No one else can fulfill our individual missions.” (No One Can Take Your Place, Dew, 207)

This summer, I look forward to seeing something small grow into something miraculous. In my garden and at home, I am looking forward to this year’s growing season.

I like the idea of world peace. But I don’t know if I can contribute much to world peace until I can create peace in my own car. With six children in an ever-shrinking, confined space, finding peace is no small task.

There are usually fights over the seat by the window or who gets to sit by the baby. In the rush of entry, elbows and backpacks collide with unintended body parts. Someone is perpetually carsick. One of the kids decides that this is the optimal time to play the recorder. Our teenager rolls his eyes at the music selections I choose for the younger children. Someone is always touching someone else. And so it goes…

Why do we choose to live this way? Low expectations and poor habits, I guess. One day, I took a fresh look at our car rides and decided that we needed to make a big change. We knew better and could do better.

I thought of the scripture about being “steadfast and immovable” and always abounding in good works. (Mosiah 5:15) Making the change would take parenting determination, a standard of high expectations and kid participation and commitment. It was a challenge, but I knew we could do it.

With a trial and error of solutions, we first learned what did not work. We tried an assigned seat rotation created by Mom. The fights over the seats were gone, but the kids grumbled about the imposed seat sentence.

On a long car trip, we tried giving each child five tickets. When contention broke out, we would remove a ticket. The child had to have at least one ticket left to get in the pool on the first day of our vacation. Our normally sweet child lost four tickets in the first 15 minutes. Because we were looking for bad behavior, the kids seemed to perform accordingly. We followed through with the plan for the rest of the trip, but decided this wasn’t for us.

We tried pulling over when the fighting started and waiting for the behavior to get better before we continued our ride, but it needed to happen consistently to be effective. Pulling over at night, on the freeway, or on the way to school wasn’t always the safest or most convenient idea.

A friend said she solved the same problem with a bigger car. We were already at capacity in our 8-passenger car and our garage size was limited. What now? This was harder than I thought!

I decided to find answers by looking to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. If there was any group that needed to apply a Gospel principle, it was us.

First, I knew that we were capable of changing. We needed to repent and have a “change of mind.” (BD Repentance) One day I found myself driving solo for a 12-hour drive back home from a vacation as my husband had to leave early for a meeting. Before we left, I made sure that we spent a few minutes reading the scriptures. We had a family prayer asking for peace, help and protection. I asked the children how they would feel if Jesus Christ was in our car for the day. Would He want to be there? Would He feel happy and comfortable? This was the mental shift we needed. The entire trip was pleasant and the children were loving and respectful to one another. The mental picture of having Christ beside them elevated their expectations for themselves. They intuitively knew how it would feel to sit beside Him. They wanted to be better, just thinking of His presence.

I love the children’s song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me.” My children know this song well. Even humming a few bars can be the reminder we need when we go back to old habits.

If the Savior stood beside me, would I do the things I do?
Would I think of His commandments and try harder to be true?
Would I follow His example? Would I live more righteously,
If I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me? ("If the Savior Stood Beside Me" Lyrics)

I also thought of the scripture that encourages families to have order.

Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God; (D&C 88:119)

We needed to organize ourselves. We needed more order if we wanted more peace in the car. Were backpacks ready? Were we rushing to find shoes the morning of? Were we eating breakfast in the car as we drove to school? When we looked at the car ride as a process, we could see where it was breaking down. We were not giving ourselves enough time to prepare for the coming day and were not getting up early enough to prepare without rushing.

One thing that is unique to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, known as the Mormons, is the expectation that everyone contributes. Each member takes turns serving, such as teaching Sunday School, presiding over a youth group, praying or leading the music in church. It requires effort by all members, but the result is a vibrant organization that provides amazing opportunities and growth for children, youth and adults.

The next step was to use this principle of participation with the kids. For those out of car seats, they decided that they would rotate each day of the week. They would each have a day by the window and the next day would be their day by the baby. Because they came up with the idea, they self-enforced their rules.

Finally, building love and an attitude of service was not going to happen overnight, but we decided to employ advice from a prophet of God:

And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the devil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness. But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another. (Mosiah 4:14-15)

It was not right to allow our children to fight and quarrel in the car. I prayed to know how we could teach our children to love and serve one another.

We held a family night where we practiced having a “soft answer” that turns away wrath. (Proverbs 15:1) If someone said something mean, we asked what would happen if they responded by throwing a rock back. We asked what would happen if someone threw a cotton ball back. We practiced for a week putting cotton balls in a jar every time someone responded with a soft answer to an angry remark. When the jar was full, we had a treat the following week.

The lds.org web site had a children’s service idea to be a “secret service” agent. For one family night we gave dark glasses and a black folder labeled “Top Secret” to each family member. We exchanged family names and offered one act of secret service each day for a week.

Of course, practical ideas also came in handy. A friend listens to books on CD with her kids. Many times, they don’t want to get out of the car when they finish the ride. What a great idea.

The road to peace in the car has been bumpy, but worth it. The rest of our journey continues to be about cooperation, patience, love and sacrifice, which is the long haul of life. Success is now less about arriving at our destination and more about enjoying the ride. And while we haven’t achieved total peace in the car, we are definitely on our way.

I am looking over my son’s shoulder as he plays on the computer. He can tell I am not happy. “Mom, it’s just a game,” says my six-year old as he plays a video game he found on the Internet. I ask about the objective of the game and he says it is to destroy his opponent. “I get points!” he tells me with enthusiasm. “I’m almost to level three!”

How harmless were the beginnings of video games - a ball going from side to side in the mesmerizing game of Pong. The 80’s arrived with games like Pacman and Space Invaders and the 90’s brought us Sonic, Doom and Laura Croft, with more sex, violence, and more realistic graphics.

I walked into a video game store last month to buy a CD game for my son’s birthday. Row after row of games with titles like “Assassin’s Creed”, “World of Warcraft”, “Grand Theft Auto” and “Command and Conquer” filled the store. It looked as if 95% of the games for sale offered killing, war and sin for a bargain price of $59.95. I left empty-handed and saddened at the gaming “advances” of the last 30 years.

Although there are some good educational and even good entertaining games, they seem to be the great exception. In my own home full of boys, I have yet to see the good in most video games. When my boys play, they show a predictable pattern. There are fights over who got more time, fights about who didn’t get a turn and fights with me when it is time to get off. My normally kind boys are not very nice. My in-home focus group has taught me what science already knows: Violent video games create more aggressive behavior and can be addicting. Studies show that video games actually alter the brain.

“A team of British researchers found that video game playing actually changes the chemistry in the brain by increasing the activity of dopamine. Dopamine is one of the most important neurotransmitters in the brain, controlling movement, attention, and learning." ("Playstation Nation", Bruner &Bruner, 2006, p. 28)

And

“UCLA psychiatrist Carole Lieberman says, “So the brain not only is seeing the images and getting stimulated, but it's practicing a response. When the person is exposed to these violent media stimuli and it excites the psychoneurological receptors, it causes the person to feel this excitement, to feel a kind of high- and then to be addicted to whatever was giving him the high” ("Playstation Nation", Bruner &Bruner, 2006, p. 20)

The new Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games (MMORPG) like EverQuest and World of Warcraft are even more addicting. Players create their own character and go on “missions” with other simultaneous Internet players. The players rely on each other for support. Gamers play for long periods of time to improve their character’s skill to stay up to speed with others. Players can create new identities and live in a world of fantasy where social interaction exists. They feel that they can be part of something grand and extraordinary. For the addicted gamer, the virtual world is more exciting than everyday life.

According to the National Institute for Family and Media, about 92% of children, ages 2-17 play video games regularly. This translates into 59 million young players. Of those children, one in seven players shows signs of an addiction. (www.mediafamily.org)

Unlike other “toys” in childhood, adults who play frequently have a hard time giving up video games. According to the Entertainment Software Association, the average adult gamer has been playing for 12 years. Fifty-three percent of game players expect to be playing as much or more ten years from now than they do today.

Even the American Medical Association brought video game addiction to our attention in 2007, recommending that Internet/video game addiction be a formal diagnostic mental disorder.

I am very grateful for counsel of inspired church leaders who would steer us away from the bad in media and its possible addictions. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons), children and teens are counseled to stay away from violent media.

“Depictions of violence often glamorize vicious behavior. They offend the Spirit and make you less able to respond to others in a sensitive, caring way. They contradict the Savior’s message of love for one another.” (For the Strength of Youth , 19).

What goes into the minds of children is hard to erase. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, an apostle of the Mormon church has said,

“Just as we exercise great care about what we take into our bodies through our mouths, we should exert a similar vigilance about what we take into our minds through our eyes and ears” (“Windows of Light and Truth,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 77).

The effects may not be immediately visible, but they are present. Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles expressed it well when he said:

“I believe the entertainment industry cannot portray on film people gunned down in cold blood, in living color, and not have it affect the attitudes and thoughts of some of the people who see it. … I believe that the desensitizing effect of such media abuses on the hearts and souls of those who are exposed to them results in a partial fulfillment of the Savior’s statement that ‘because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.’" (”When Shall These Things Be?” Ensign, Dec. 1996, 58.)

The scriptures teach us that contention’s source is not from God or His Son, Jesus Christ:

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away. 3 Nephi 11:29-30 .

Not only is contention to be avoided, but it can be replaced with good. Video games try to mimic a sense of purpose and direction. If our children have a knowledge of where they are headed from an eternal point of view, they don’t need a fantasy or escape from reality. They can work toward the eternal reward and find great joy and happiness. And at the end of their lives, they will have a happy day of accounting with God in how they spent their time.

We all need recreation, but Elder M. Russell Ballard recommends that we not let “things get out of balance. It is not watching television, but watching television hour after hour, night after night. Does not that qualify as idling away your time? What will you say to the Lord when He asks what you have done with the precious gift of life and time? Surely you will not feel comfortable telling Him that you were able to pass the 100,000-point level in a challenging video game” (“Be Strong in the Lord,” Ensign, July 2004, 14).

The social wave of video gaming is strong. These games seem to be everywhere. They are in many homes and played by many kids. Video games keep kids busy and quiet, which is a great motivator for busy parents. We've all been there. But the content has evolved into a sneak-attack on unassuming parents. When the virtual killing of humanity becomes "no big deal", it is a wave worth blocking.

I have seen the negative effects of violent games on my children. I have seen friends’ marriages fall apart in part, due to addictions of video gaming. I have read scientific material on the subject and I am convinced.

I tell my boys that I want them to be able to hold a conversation, have a real relationship, and have a hobby that produces and doesn’t consume. There is a time to relax, but a greater sense of purpose will lead them to creative and creation-based play. Because I am convinced, I am selective, firm, and most times unpopular. But I am also grateful.

I am thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ that gives me knowledge of what my Father in Heaven wants me to teach my children. I am grateful for a modern-day prophet and apostles who can give wise counsel as times change. I am thankful for the purpose, direction, joy and excitement that comes from living the gospel. I am grateful for beautiful children that I can love and protect with a hope for their happiness all through their lives.

In the last three blogs, we’ve been trying to solve the puzzle of balance between being too lenient or too strict as a parent. This last blog talks of what we might think of as being “strict” – responsibility for our choices and consequences.

Mormon apostle Boyd K. Packer tells us that knowledge, choice and responsibility are indeed the three pieces of the parenting puzzle:

“There is no true freedom without responsibility, and there is no enduring freedom without a knowledge of the truth.” “Agency and Control,” Ensign, May 1983, 66.

When we start talking about consequences, we wonder “What is too strict? What is not strict enough?” These hard questions stump most parents, including me. I believe that the words of our Father in Heaven are the only balanced answer. Even with His words, actually doing it right at home is a continual learning curve and work-in-progress.

Figuring out consequences starts with a basic: We have the freedom to choose, but there are good and bad outcomes for those choices:

“…the righteous judgment of God; Who will render to every man according to his deeds: To them who by patient continuance in well doing seek for glory and honour and immortality, eternal life: But unto them that are contentious, and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, indignation and wrath, Tribulation and anguish, upon every soul of man that doeth evil, of the Jew first, and also of the Gentile; But glory, honour, and peace, to every man that worketh good, to the Jew first, and also to the Gentile: For there is no respect of persons with God. (Romans 2:5-11)

Obviously, our Father in Heaven wants us to choose the good. In the movie, Meet the Robinsons, the innovating father’s motto is “Keep Moving Forward.” Our eternal Father’s motto is the same. Keep improving. Keep overcoming. Keep becoming more like Him. Keep your eye on the target of eternal life – eternal life with Him. Mistakes are inevitable and a way has been provided to overcome these errors, but “Keep Moving Forward.”

His goal is progression, not punishment. He knows that when we obey natural laws, we reap blessings:

If we eat well and exercise, we can prevent disease and can enjoy good health.
If we are honest in our relationships, we gain credibility and trust.
If we stay out of debt and save a little, we have mental peace and a financial backup plan.

It’s the same for our children:

If they are kind to siblings, they form loving relationships.
If they are honest with parents, they earn trust and greater freedoms.
If they clean their rooms, they have a peaceful environment and a happy mother.

But we are going to make mistakes and so will our children. What does our Father in Heaven do when we make intentional or unintentional mistakes? He walks us through three steps: Stop, Repent, Keep Moving Forward.

Stop
When we start making mistakes, we may not even know it. A bad consequence makes us stop and take notice of what we were doing. We may experience the bad consequence of breaking a natural law, or our Father may place in front of us what he calls a “stumbling block.” Either way, things stop going smoothly. We are in discomfort or pain. We feel guilt. We lose the companionship of the Holy Ghost (Mosiah 2:36). He does not want to support our bad behavior and allow us to think our actions are fine. He knows where we are headed and wants to get our attention before we get too far down the path.

For behold, the Lord hath said: I will not succor my people in the day of their transgression; but I will hedge up their ways that they prosper not; and their doings shall be as a stumbling block before them. (Mosiah 7:29)

When our kids are making mistakes, they may hit a bad consequence by breaking a natural law, but sometimes that consequence is pretty far off. A ten-year-old is going to have a hard time seeing the consequence of not building good homework habits. Parents can initiate “stumbling blocks” of their own.

Stop computer or TV time if the homework is not getting done.
Stop playing with a friend if treatment of a sibling is unkind.
Stop extra activities for a time if chores are not completed at home.
Stop their activity if they are screaming or throwing a tantrum.

Like our Father in Heaven, we can also take away extra support that we are giving:

Stop providing financial assistance for irresponsible spending.
Stop providing electronic devices for entertainment instead of study
Stop offering cars or insurance for reckless driving.

But isn’t this “harsh”? It is only becomes harsh if we make one critical mistake. If we think that this step alone changes behavior, we will get stuck here. We will be surprised when the behavior doesn’t change and even gets worse. We may say we are “not getting through” to them and think they need stronger, more severe consequences. They may get more angry as they feel their choices being taken away. If we end here, we give out punishments without an ultimate purpose.

If your 3-year-old colors on the wall with markers, you may take away the markers (a “Stop”). If you do nothing else and they do it again, you may take away the markers and put them in time out. (A double “Stop”) If done again, you may throw the markers away, put them in time out, and send them to bed early.(A triple “Stop.”).

But this escalation in “consequences” misses a big point. The “Stop” step can raise awareness, but it usually does not change behavior. The next step seeks to change behavior by changing the thinking that causes the behavior in the first place.

Repent
When our Father has our attention, He then asks us to repent. The word “repent” comes from a Greek word that means “change of mind" (i.e. a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world.”) (BD)

He doesn’t want to take away our blessings. What He is trying to do is change our thinking to become more like His. He wants us to understand truth and natural laws. He wants us to know, as Einstein did, that there are governing, unchhangeable principles at work.

"Ethical axioms are found and tested not very differently from the axioms of science. Truth is what stands the test of experience," Albert Einstein

This is where love and listening are key. Parents sometimes mistakenly assume we know what our children are thinking. Unless we spend some time listening, we may be really off the mark.

One day my 5-year-old son was throwing a fit about going to a piano lesson. I assumed he didn’t want to go to the lesson. I could see a battle of wills in the making. Instead of making him get in the car anyway, I decided to take the time to really understand and practice some active listening skills I had just learned. After asking some open-ended questions, I was shocked. He was really upset because the day before I had promised ice cream after a doctor’s visit and hadn’t followed through. After we resolved the issue, he went to the lesson cheerfully. I assumed I knew his thinking, but I really had no clue until I asked some questions and listened.

Thoughts drive behavior. To change the behavior of our children we need to first understand their thinking. We find the holes in their logic or the misunderstanding of a principle. Then we can teach truth, a new way of thinking and what to do next.

“There are several vital steps to repentance. Each is essential for complete forgiveness. President Joseph F. Smith identified some of these steps this way: “True repentance is not only sorrow for sins, and humble penitence and contrition before God, but it involves the necessity of turning away from them, a discontinuance of all evil practices … a thorough reformation of life, a vital change from evil to good … to make restitution, so far as … possible, for all the wrongs we have done. … This is true repentance, and the exercise of the will and all the powers of [the] body and mind is demanded, to complete this glorious work of repentance.” 6 (Richard G. Scott, “The Path to Peace and Joy,” Ensign, Nov 2000, 25–27)

The 3-year-old wall artist can have the markers removed, but can also be taught to have a change in thinking and in doing. “Do you like having a clean house? Me too! We color on paper so we can keep our house clean. I would love to keep your pictures and keep our house clean.” He can help clean up the mess to experience full repentance.

Replacing a damaged toy, apologizing for bad language, and re-planting flowers destroyed in a neighbor’s yard are all ways parents can walk their children through the steps of repentance. The focus then moves from punishment to restitution and includes a hope of becoming better.

Repentance is a glorious gift made possible by the Atonement of the Savior, Jesus Christ. Only He can help us to fix the violation of natural laws and ultimately overcome our weaknesses. If we are willing to repent, we are able to move forward as quickly as we are able:

Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more. (D&C 58:42)

Keep Moving Forward
Before, during and after repentance, our Father in Heaven never ceases to point out the positive. He stresses the joy, blessings and happiness that come from obedience.

When His prophets preach repentance, they never fail to mention the redeeming power of the Atonement and the ability we have to overcome and “Keep Moving Forward.” The words of God are optimistic, happy and hopeful.

“The glorious thing about the whole matter of repentance is that the scriptures are as full of the Lord’s assurances that he will forgive as they are full of his commands for us to repent, to change our lives and bring them into full conformity with his wonderful teachings.

God is good. He is eager to forgive. He wants us to perfect ourselves and maintain control of ourselves. He does not want Satan and others to control our lives. We must learn that keeping our Heavenly Father’s commandments represents the only path to total control of ourselves, the only way to find joy, truth, and fulfillment in this life and in eternity.” (Spencer W. Kimball, “The Gospel of Repentance,” Tambuli, Mar 1983, 1)

I find it overwhelming that He always invites us to come back and enjoy the blessings He so willingly offers. Even if our behavior is terrible, He never sends us away and neither should we send our children away or give up on them.

He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him. Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation. Behold, doth he cry unto any, saying: Depart from me? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; but he saith: Come unto me all ye ends of the earth, buy milk and honey, without money and without price… he hath given it free for all men; and he hath commanded his people that they should persuade all men to repentance. (2 Nephi 26:24-27)

We can remain positive and hopeful with our kids:

“Your picture is so nice. I want to hang it on the wall so I can see it for a long time. I love the way you kept our house so clean.”
“I know you can do this. You will be so happy when you are done!”
"Hang in there. You are working hard for..."
“I like the way you…”
“I noticed how well you…”
“How can I help you?”

They can know that the blessings are worth every good choice. We can point our children to the redeeming power of the Savior that enables them to “Keep Moving Forward.”

Our violin teacher listened as my son played a piece at his lesson. He made an error on one passage and as he repeated the piece, he played the same mistake over again. She commented, “We all think practice makes perfect, but really, practice makes permanent.” To undo the mistake he had practiced 20 times, he had to re-learn the section and play it correctly about 50 times until the change started to become natural.

Children are so easy to teach and absorb lessons so willingly. What we do every day in our homes is what is becoming permanent for our children. How we speak to our family members, our reaction to stress, time spent in entertainment or at work, and time spent together or apart is all becoming permanent. The small, seemingly insignificant things that we unconsciously practice each day are becoming permanent for us and for our children.

And how much easier it is to learn it right the first time instead of spending time correcting and re-learning! The well-known quote reads:

“Sow an act and you reap a habit. Sow a habit and you reap a character. Sow a character and you reap a destiny.” Charles Reade

The scriptures teach the same principle:

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

Julie Beck, leader of the women's organization in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, had a father that knew practice makes permanent.

“I was raised in a big family. My parents had a lot of children. And that means there were a lot of opinions and a lot of work to care for this family. But they used the tool of family home evening to really teach us. Every week we sang “Love at Home.” That was the opening hymn. And I remember as a teenager thinking it was really tiresome to sing that hymn every week.

It was more a belief than a practice. But every week, Dad would say, “Now we’ll sing our opening hymn, ‘Love at Home.’ ” And when I was about 14 or 15, in that age when you question everything, I asked my father, “Why do we have to sing this hymn every week? There are a lot of good hymns in the hymnbook we could sing.” And he looked at me very sternly, and he said, “When you have learned lesson 1, I will teach you lesson 2.”

And I don’t know what lesson 2 was; we didn’t ever get there, but I have to say that after the passage of many years, I look at my family, and we do love one another. We did, somehow, over the years, learn to love each other because that was lesson 1 my parents wanted to teach. They didn’t try to cover everything. They knew if they started with that, it would work.” Worldwide Leadership Conference, February 2008

If we are making things permanent, whether intentional or not, then what can and what should we make permanent?

Make Love a Permanent Part of Our Families

Julie’s parents wanted love to be permanent in their family. It was their Lesson One. Our children learn to love others mostly by watching how we love them. They watch how we speak and whether we listen. They watch the service and effort we put into caring for them (even though we may think it is completely missed!) They watch how we treat our spouse.

On some days, having love be a permanent part of our families may seem impossible, but it can be done! We can exchange family names for homemade gifts on holidays, attend a performance to show support, listen when someone has a bad day, plan weekly time together, pray together and read the scriptures together. Even simple tasks of service, like bringing someone a glass of water before bed, can make love permanent.

Make Self-Respect Permanent

Insisting on teeth brushing, bathing and basic levels of cleanliness is daily practice that becomes permanent. We can set the standard for modest dress. We can expect good language in our home for our children and their friends. We can require simple chores, all making self-respect more permanent.

Make Integrity Permanent

We can set the standard for honesty in our family, even if the truth means getting in trouble. We can set the example for integrity with fidelity in our marriages and honesty in our work. We can require that our children follow through on promises made, no matter how small. We can discourage gossip in our teenagers. We can have our children return borrowed toys and replace broken items for their rightful owners.

Of course, there are many more good things that parents want made permanent. It is no wonder that the home is the best place for the practice. The good daily choices our children make that seem dull or unimportant are the same simple practices that build permanent and enduring character.

It is best said in the scripture:

“Behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass.” Alma 37:6

Practice makes permanent, and permanent is powerful.

In the past decade, parents have heard much about our childrens' need for high self-esteem. Of course parents want happy and confident kids. What could be better?

As concerned parents, we work hard to help our children become assured. We listen to them, praise them and speak positively to them. We provide them with structure, guidelines and responsibility; a framework to help them feel secure. We drive them to piano, soccer, ballet, art, and baseball to help them develop talents and skills so they can be confident in their own abilities. We help them with school so they feel good about their academic performance. Motivated by love, our efforts help them to develop in healthy ways.

But in our great work, have we missed the simple truths of developing self-esteem? Have we shared with them the secrets that offer greater power, infinite confidence in purpose, and immeasurable joy?

When we give our children the knowledge of who they are, why they are on Earth and where they are going, we give them so much more than a “Way to go!” This knowledge is the true foundation to building a healthy self-esteem.

Who They Are

In famous words by Paul the apostle, we learn who our children are. He declared that we are all children of God. Acts 17:28-29

Modern leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, referred to as the Mormons, have repeated these words in The Family: A Proclamation to the World:

"All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.”

Consider this amazing statement. To be a child of God means that we are eternally significant. It means we have divine heritage. Knowing we are children of a Father in Heaven gives our lives purpose and direction. We have heavenly potential and are dearly loved. Could there be a more powerful message of love, hope and expectation for our children?

Why They Are Here

Our children have an important mission while here on Earth. They are here to learn, progress and prepare to meet God.

"For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors."( Alma 34: 32-33)

Our Father in Heaven sent His Son, Jesus Christ, as the example to follow. The life of the Savior was one of service. He “went about doing good.” (Acts 10:38.)

The talents and skills that our children learn can give them confidence and can be personally enjoyable. A greater purpose in having them is to serve others as Christ did.

Our children can play the piano in a church service, cook meals for a family with a new baby, perform a dance to bring smiles to the elderly in a rest home. Our children can use their abilities to do good in their family, their school, their neighborhood and their future professions. Service for others builds self-esteem. When children serve others, they serve God and work toward achieving their divine potential. (Mosiah 2:17)

Where They Are Going

Our children can know that they can live eternally with their Father in Heaven when this life is over. This is our Father and Jesus Christ's objective. “For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” (Moses 1:39)

Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we can return to live with Him if we strive to keep His commandments and take opportunity to repent when we make mistakes. (Jacob 6:11)

When our children know where they are going, their purposes are sure, their objectives are clear and their potential unmatched – to be joint-heirs with Christ. Again, in the words of Paul the apostle:

“The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.” (Romans 8:16-17)

When our children know who they are, why they are here and where they are going, they can be confident - they are children of God. They can be happy - their life has a plan. They can be empowered - they can return triumphant to their Heavenly Father having reached their potential. Now what could be better than that?

One day my husband asked our energetic four-year-old daughter, "Are you a peacemaker or a troublemaker?" She paused, then decisively pronounced, "I'm a piece of trouble!"

In a world full of pieces of trouble and conflict at every turn, we are challenged to teach our children differently. We have the obligation as parents to teach peace. If we fail to teach peace in the home, it is unlikely that our children will learn the principles of peace in the world.

We have daily opportunity to teach peace. Who gets the bigger cookie? How will chores be fairly divided? What should you do when brother hits? What if sister borrows your shoes without permission or brother breaks your best toy? From toddler to teenager, we have small but frequent opportunities in the home to teach peace. Knowing peace brings joy and happiness. "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God." (Matthew 5:9)

Much contention comes from the fact that each of us has free will. It is not in simply having the will that is the problem, but the wise or poor use of it. Choices that stem from selfishness have bad consequences for the child and usually for the entire family. Wise choices based on love and understanding for others bring peace.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is the foundation for these wise choices. In the midst of World War I, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Joseph F. Smith declared:

“There is only one thing that can bring peace into the world. It is the adoption of the gospel of Jesus Christ, rightly understood, obeyed and practiced by rulers and people alike.” (Improvement Era, Sept. 1914, pp. 1074–75.)

His life and His words give us instructions of teaching peace to our children.

First, pray for peace. We need help beyond our own abilities in a world full of conflict. When we pray both individually and as a family for peace and for one another, we can foster greater understanding and greater love for each other.

Second, learn of peace. The life of the Savior, the Prince of Peace, can effectively teach us. He understood perfectly the need for all of us to have free will, or agency. He fully respected this greatest gift of choice. His life, filled with patience and self-mastery, showed us how we should be and keeps the standard for our behavior high. He commanded us to obey but invites us to choose and does not employ force when teaching gospel truths. His own obedience to the will of the Father shows us we should strive to keep His commandments. His willingness to forgive others and his encouragement of repentance shows us what to do when we make mistakes.

Third, listen for peace. In the book of the Doctrine and Covenants, revelation received by the prophet Joseph Smith, we learn to listen to the Holy Ghost.

“…and you shall receive my Spirit, the Holy Ghost, even the Comforter, which shall teach you the peaceable things of the kingdom.” (D&C 36:2)

Listening to one another also promotes peace. When we begin to have learning conversations with family members instead of blaming or accusing conversations, we can clear up misunderstandings, understand true intentions and show greater love.

Fourth, practice peace. In our families, we have daily opportunity to practice peace. We can teach our children to serve one another and to love one another. Peace is found where righteousness and concern for others comes first. Also found in the Doctrine and Covenants is this counsel:

“But learn that he who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come.” (D&C 59:23)

As parents, we can teach our children to follow the Savior Jesus Christ. Dallin H. Oaks, LDS church leader and apostle, noted in an address entitled World Peace:

The Savior and his Apostles had no program for world peace other than individual righteousness. They mounted no opposition to the rule of Rome or to the regime of its local tyrants. They preached individual righteousness and taught that the children of God should love their enemies and “live peaceably with all men.”

May our children gain the everyday help of mothers and fathers in the quest for peace.

It is perhaps one of my favorite stories Thomas S. Monson, 1st Counselor in the presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (often referred to as Mormon Church) tells of himself as a child.

He was eleven at the time, and in Primary (program for children age 3-11). His class, the Blazers, included a group of very enthusiastic boys. Though he doesn't go into detail, I'd bet they caused a headache or two for the leaders of the Primary.

One particular Sunday the Primary President, a grandmotherly woman by the name of Melissa, asked 'Tommy' to stay behind and visit with her for a few minutes. She placed a loving arm around his shoulder and, to his surprise, began to cry.

He immediately asked her what was wrong. She responded, telling him she couldn't seem to keep his class reverent during the prayer, song, scripture verse, and short talk given at the beginning of their Primary opening exercises. It was then she asked him if he would be willing to help her by setting a good example for the other boys in his class.

In no time at all the Blazer boys were one of the best classes during the first several minutes of Primary. President Monson wrote:

"Strangely to me, but not to Melissa, that ended any problem of reverence in that Primary. She had gone to the source of the problem — me. The solution was love" (Thomas S. Monson, “Come Listen to a Prophet’s Voice: Love,” Friend, Feb 2002).

The story of this wonderful woman and President Monson doesn't end there. I would invite you to click on the link above to read the rest.

Even those called to be prophets, apostles, and leaders were once children: at times precocious and michievous, and yet ready to learn to choose the right. We all start out needing to be guided in the right way, and the guidance most definitely should come through love.

If this same woman had chastised young Tommy, or made him feel as though he were being bad, things could have turned out so differently. I'm certain she must have prayed repeatedly to know how to help the boys in the Blazer class recognize the need to find a more reverent frame of mind during the first few minutes in class.

Even at a young age President Monson was obviously empathic towards the feelings of others. His heart was good and kind, if a bit roudy at times. Little choices like accepting the call to help his Primary leader led him to be the man he is today.

"It has been said that the gate of history turns on small hinges, and so do people's lives. The choices we make determine our destiny" (Thomas S. Monson "Choose You This Day," Ensign, Nov. 2004).

If we desire our children, and those children we teach, to choose the right way we must take even the tiniest matters of concern to the Lord in prayer. We must be vigilant in listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, and above all we must treat these chidlren with love. Indeed, we must look upon them as though we were raising the next prophet of the Lord.

For more information on the life of Thomas S. Monson, please visit:

http://www.mormonwiki.com/Thomas_S._Monson

http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/people/thomas_s_monson.html

Mention the word ‘work’ to your kids and you can clear a room faster than a frog catching a fly. Children are growing up in these days lacking the work ethic generations past have shown. If a job is ‘too hard,’ kids are more likely to give up than go the distance.

I’m not saying all kids are afraid and unwilling to work. I’ve seen many who can outdistance some teenagers in what they’re willing and able to accomplish. There are also those who dearly want to help out around the house and yard, but without proper guidance don’t know what to do or how to do it.

Guidance is they key word. One of the greatest compliments I’ve heard given to a mother, said: “She never asked us to do anything without being right there with us to help.” This particular woman had nine children, and a husband who was gone much of the time for work. She didn’t want it spread around the neighborhood that he wasn’t around and so for many years no one knew how much time she spent alone with her children. If she hadn’t taught them to work, it would have been overwhelming.

This family had a BIG garden. Every day this mother was out with her children, showing them which plants were vegetables and which were weeds, and how much water everything needed. When it was time to harvest, the family could be seen outside gathering fruits from trees and veggies from the garden. From a young age boys and girls alike helped in canning what they harvested to help them make it through the year.

For many years I was the exact opposite. I would shoo my children out of the way so I could just get the work done, whether it was cooking, cleaning, or laundry. I didn’t realize just how much my oldest wanted to work with me, not have me do it for her. Fortunately my kids have a father who’s a little more patient, and even taught me how to settle down and take the time to teach our children to work.

The best time to begin teaching a child the value of working hard is in their youth. “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

Joseph B. Wirthlin, an apostle in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (also known as the Mormon Church), spoke briefly of the importance of teaching this value to children.

“Teach your young children to work, and teach them that honest labor develops dignity and self-respect. Help them to find pleasure in work and to feel the satisfaction that comes from a job well done” (Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Spiritually Strong Homes and Families,” Ensign, May 1993).

Convincing children they want to work may at times seem overwhelming. Yet there can be an amazing sense of satisfaction when they’ve accomplished the task at hand. One of our most daunting rooms to clean belongs to my boys. It’s a terrifying sight, as I’m sure those who have boys can attest. It didn’t take long for me to learn that telling them it was time to go clean their room wouldn’t get the job done, and it’s not hard to tell why. Walking through the door (when you can get the door open) and looking at the mess could make even the bravest of men cower.

Here are a few things I learned to encourage my own children to get the job done:

1. Break it up into smaller parts. Whether you’re cleaning a room, washing dishes, or raking the leaves, break the big jobs up into something smaller. If you're working on a room, start with books, or a section of a messy room. Hand them plates first, if washing dishes. If you’re raking leaves, encourage them to start with one small section.

2. Find ways to make it a game. Set a timer and see just how much they can get done before it goes off. Sing a song. Take turns being ‘Supervisor’, and for five minutes let them be the boss.

3. Don’t be afraid to stop and play. Kids love to take play breaks. Just don’t make it too long or they’ll get off task. A mere thirty seconds can work wonders.

4. Don’t let the little things go. By that I mean make sure the job is complete. If they clean their room, make sure they check under the beds, even on top of their beds, or behind a bookshelf. Make sure books are lined up correctly, not just piled on top of each other. If you teach them to do it the right way when they’re young, they’ll continue to do so as they get older.

5. Reward them when they’re done. I’m not talking bribes. I’m talking rewards. Words to praise a good job done. Go to the park or the library. Make cookies together. Read their favorite book.

6. Most important – get in there with them. If you want them to clean their room, get in there and help. If you’re working outside, grab a rake or garbage bag and plow right in. Children learn best when guided by someone they love.

Now I can’t guarantee miracles, but you might find yourselves with some happy workers if you take a hand in helping them learn. As you continue to do this keep in mind as children get older some will want you to continue to help, others will want to try figuring things out themselves. Always be available to help when asked.

This can be a lot to ask, especially when both parents need to work, or there’s only one parent. It is not, however, impossible. If it ever feels like too much to handle, take it to your Heavenly Father. He can give you the strength you need and the opportunities required to do what is right by your children.

I promise you it will be worth the effort.

I think there are, perhaps, many of us who would have loved to live at the time of Christ. The thought of walking with Him, talking with Him, and even watching as He blessed little children brings joy to my heart.

One of my favorite songs as a child in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or Mormon Church, is still around even today. In the Children’s Songbook, a collection of songs put together specifically for children, there is one titled, “I Think When I Read That Sweet Story.”

I think when I read that sweet story of old,
When Jesus was here among men,
How he called little children like lambs to his fold;
I should like to have been with him then.
I wish that his hands had been placed on my head,
That his arms had been thrown around me,
That I might have seen his kind look when he said,
“Let the little ones come unto me.”

This beautiful, simple song is connected to two scriptures. The first can be found in the New Testament of the Bible.

“But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God” (Luke 18:16).

I would imagine you couldn’t get much closer to the mysteries of heaven than through the tender, innocent, all-encompassing love of a child.

At the time of His resurrection, Christ spoke of another people He needed to visit.

“And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd” (John 10:16).

These “other sheep” he mentions were in the Americas. The other scripture mentioned for the song is found in the Book of Mormon, another testament of Jesus Christ, which details this visit. During His visit to the people, he called specifically for the children to be brought to Him.

“And it came to pass that he commanded that their little children should be brought. So they brought their little children and set them down upon the ground round about him, and Jesus stood in the midst; and the multitude gave way till they had all been brought unto him…

“And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them. And when he had done this he wept again; And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones. And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; and they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them” (3 Nephi 17:11-12, 21-25).

Can you even imagine what it must have been like for those children, to have been blessed by the Savior, to have been taught by angels. What an extraordinary experience for those little children.

Yes, I would have liked to have lived at the time of Christ. Yet I am grateful to be born in this day and age as well. For even though I may not get to walk and talk with Christ as He lived then, I can certainly continue to live in a way that I can keep His spirit with me now. I know, without a doubt, that I will be blessed for doing so, just as the children were blessed hundreds of years ago.

My kids came home from Primary (children’s organization for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, nicknamed Mormons) a few weeks ago sporting a new ring on their fingers. It wasn’t the first time they’d received these rings, nor would it be the last. Of course, at only ten cents apiece it’s not too hard for us to replace.

I’m talking about the CTR ring. CTR stands for ‘Choose the Right.’ The letters are typically encased in the shape of a shield. The shield is to act as a reminder that when we choose the right, we will be protected against temptation and sin.

This simple, gospel truth is taught to children as early as three and four because it’s never too early to start training someone to make right choices. Not only is this concept taught within church classes, but it should also be taught in the home. Brothers and sisters should be taught how to choose the right way of dealing with one another. Parents should show by example what it means to choose the right. When your children get old enough, lessons should be taught about why it’s important to choose the right.

This concept is taught repeatedly in the scriptures. Consequences for wrong choices as well as right choices are clearly outlined. It’s important to note that even when you choose the right, it doesn’t mean things will always go well. Consider the life of Christ. He always made the right choice, yet He was still reviled, beaten, and eventually crucified. The hard choices and trials of His life never swayed His desire to choose the right.

In the Book of Mormon, another testament of Christ, we can read about two young men, Amulek and Alma, who found people that were following false teachings. Amulek tried to convert them to the true gospel, but found a problem with a man named Zeezrom. Zeezrom was an expert in the devices of the devil and challenged Amulek’s teachings.

“And Zeezrom said again: Shall he save his people in their sins? And Amulek answered and said unto him: I say unto you he shall not, for it is impossible for him to deny his word” (Alma 11:34).

Zeezrom proceeded to taunt Amulek, as the wicked will often do to those who desire to choose the right. Amulek’s response, however, shows the strength of his testimony.

“And I shall say unto you again that he cannot save them in their sins; for I cannot deny his word, and he hath said that no unclean thing can inherit the kingdom of heaven; therefore, how can ye be saved, except ye inherit the kingdom of heaven? Therefore, ye cannot be saved in your sins. ...

“And he shall come into the world to redeem his people; and he shall take upon his the transgressions of those who believe on his name; and these are they that shall have eternal life, and salvation cometh to none else.

“Therefore the wicked remain as though there had been no redemption made, except it be the loosing of the bands of death; for behold, the day cometh that all shall rise from the dead and stand before God, and be judged according to their words” (Alma 11: 31, 40-41).

Amulek converted many over to the Lord’s church. Even Zeezrom, after come serious tribulation and a blessing of healing, repented of his ways and joined.

L. Tom Perry, a member of the Latter-day Saint Church and apostle of God, wrote on the vastness of our choices.

“We live today in a world so full of choices. Television offers both the good and the bad. Bookstores are full of publications offering the right and the wrong. Very few movies are worthy of seeing because of the profanity, violence, and immorality that fill them. Advertising is full of enticements to lead us to violate the Word of Wisdom. Some music, with its monotonous rhythms, beats illicit thoughts into our heads” (L. Tom Perry, “Choose the Right,” Ensign, Nov 1993).

Brother Perry encourages us to “offset the worldly messages that entice us to choose the wrong.” We are taught that to help us along the path the Lord has given us different symbols of purity. One of these symbols is the CTR ring. Of course the emblem itself can be found on more than just a ring. Necklaces, tie tacks, lapel pins can all be found with the initials CTR.

I still wear a CTR ring, though it looks quite a bit different from the first one I received in Primary so many years ago. I like to have the ring for one simple reason. It’s prominent position on my finger is constantly seen, and helps to remind me and those who notice is, that the Lord wants us to choose the right.

A sweet woman my husband works with has twin girls just a year older than my own daughter. Every six months or so she goes through her girls’ closet and locates all the clothes that are too small and lovingly hands them over to us. These gifts of clothes come as quite a blessing and we dearly appreciate her thinking of us first. With some of the clothes, however, there is one problem. They’re not very modest.

I will admit to being disturbed by the fashion trends geared towards pre-teen girls. In fact, even when my daughter was seven it was difficult to find clothes that weren’t cut too high or too low, and I was often forced to buy shirts and shorts a size bigger just to ensure her body would be appropriately covered.

The idea of being modest needs to be taught early in a child’s life. Think of where your child will be in five years. What do you want your child to hold important then that you can start teaching him/her about now?

I’ve been working with my daughter since she was about five to consider which clothes show too much skin, making them immodest. The idea of modesty is certainly not new. I would imagine many in today’s world consider the idea to be rather old-fashioned. Fortunately, old-fashioned doesn’t have to mean unnecessary.

I teach girls age 12-17 in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or Mormon Church as it is also known. Some of the girls are great when it comes to dressing modestly: skirts/dresses to the knee or below, shirts cut long on the bottom and not too low on the neck, clothes that don’t fit too tight. I can tell that these girls have been taught since they were young what dressing modestly is all about.

Other girls have a harder time with the idea. I don't know if it’s by their own choice, or because they were never taught what being modest in their dress is all about. In those cases we, as leaders, try to help them on an individual basis to subtly modify their clothes to become more modest. It’s also important to tell them why. (If you’d like a guide on how to dress modestly, go to “Staying Modest".)

Why is it so important to teach our children to be modest?

“Our body is a gift from God; it is necessary for us to progress; we had to come to earth to get it; we must take care of it; one of the blessings of having a body is that someday we will be able to create other bodies” (Terrance D. Olson, “Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar 1981).

When it comes to teaching children about anything, even about why we should be modest, keep it simple. They don’t need a lot of details. Most of what we know they would never fully understand. Only when your children get a little older will they require a little more knowledge.

Think about how God teaches us. We can read in Isaiah 28:13,

“But the word of the LORD was unto them precept upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little.”

We see this idea again in the Book of Mormon, another testament of Christ, when we look in 2 Nephi 28:30.

“For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have.”

As we grow in the things of the spirit and become prepared, the Lord will grant us with more knowledge. It’s important we treat our children the same thing.

“By teaching the Lord’s view on moral cleanliness, we are offering our children a standard by which alternative views can be seen for what they really are: alternatives to the Lord’s view” (Terrance D. Olson, “Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar 1981).

The Lord wants us to have healthy, beautiful bodies, and to keep them appropriately dressed.

Going through the clothes freely given to us by my husband’s co-worker, I find it’s now possible to give my daughter the lead as to what she wants to keep and what we will give away. Though she may not understand all of the reasons it's important to remain appropriately dressed, she has learned how to judge what is modest. I can testify this will be a strength to her as she gets older.

“The power to choose is one of the greatest gifts God has given humanity. Children who are allowed to share in family decisions will be more willing to obey family rules" ('10 Ways to Teach Values in the Home').

Ask anyone who has ever had his or her freedoms forcibly taken away. No one wants to be forced to do something. Especially not a child. This is a lesson difficult for many parents to understand. Yet it is the final thing stressed in the pamphlet mentioned above, put out by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons).

Allowing our children the opportunity to help make decisions that directly affect them is vital in helping them learn how to have some form of control over their lives. Have you ever met someone who’s never been allowed the chance to make his own decision? I have, and it’s nothing for a parent to brag about. If a child can’t learn to make even little decisions, how can we expect them to make the big ones?

When it comes to letting our children makes their own decisions, be careful these are appropriate for their age and responsibility levels. Someone who is four could decide how many times a week she will take a bath. A child closer to ten could decide on what time he’ll get his homework done (such as after school or dinner).

The great thing about doing this is it gives your children some freedom, but it doesn’t infringe on your family’s nonnegotiable values. It gives your children a sense of control, but still keeps the decisions within your own limits.

I’ve mentioned this before, and I do it mostly because of how important it is. It is imperative that you explain to your children the reasons behind each family rule, as well as the values attached to them. Children deserve to know why you have set up certain rules. Just as parents and adults need to understand why they are being asked to follow certain decisions, children should be allowed the same respect.

If you decide everyone needs to be involved in doing the laundry, explain why. Let your children know it’s not easy for Mom to do all the laundry, especially as the children grow and the laundry just gets bigger. For younger children, keep the rules simple. It can be their job to put their dirty clothes in the hamper. They can even help sort socks and put clothes in the drawers. For older children, encourage them to sort clothes into whites, lights, and darks. By this age they should be old enough to put their own laundry away. Granted they may not do a great job (I rarely look in my daughter’s drawers unless absolutely necessary), but that’s not the point.

Look for other areas where children can help set up their own rules. It could be in setting a curfew, inviting friends over, planning family activities, or different household chores. If you let your children help in making these rules and the consequences if the rules are broken, they’ll be much more likely to follow them. Also let your children know why these rules and values are important. It’ll make the learning process that much more potent.

In the pamphlet “10 Ways to Teach Values in the Home” put out by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons), we are told teaching values is one of our “fundamental responsibilities” as a parent or guardian. Therefore it is up to us to decide which values are nonnegotiable, and which ones we can be a bit more flexible with.

“Teach your children that these nonnegotiable values must be honored because they are essential for family relationships to run smoothly.”

For example, in our own family the value of tithing must be followed. It’s nonnegotiable. The first thing that comes out of each paycheck for my husband and I is the tithing. The first thing our children are asked to do with any money they earn is pay their own tithing. We’re tying to teach them it’s not just a good thing to do, it’s required by the Lord.

Abraham of old paid tithing (Genesis 14:20). In Genesis 28, Jacob covenants to pay tithing. In Numbers 18:26 we are even taught how much we should pay:

“Thus speak unto the Levites, and say unto them, When ye take of the children of Israel the tithes which I have given you from them for your inheritance, then ye shall offer up an heave offering of it for the Lord, even a tenth part of the tithe.”

It’s not an easy lesson to learn (as my son will loudly declare), but the blessings that come from paying tithing are wonderful, and we want our children to know it for themselves.

Making sure the children have their room always clean isn’t a value we push. It’s negotiable. At least once a week we ask that they do a cursory cleaning, and then on Fridays they need to have the entire room picked up. It’s not a daily task in our home. This might not be the case in other families.

Take some time out to discuss which values are negotiable and which are not. Feel free to bring your children in on this discussion. Let them know what it means to have something that’s not negotiable. Seriously listen to their own opinions on what values they feel should be more flexible. When setting up the permanent values, help your children understand why it needs to be that way.

Other nonnegotiable values might be family prayer, or daily reading from the scriptures, or having Sunday dinner all together. For older children is could be a curfew set when they’re at a friends’ house, or getting to their homework right after dinner. What values are necessary for your own family to run smoothly? What values are more flexible for you?

I’ve discussed this next idea from “10 Ways to Teach Values in the Home” before. This time I’d like to discuss a few key points brought out from the pamphlet that was published by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons).

Looking for chances to teach your children any lesson is likened to Jesus teaching parables. These parables “helped his followers understand important principles.” In much the same way we can help our own children understand and live these same values.

In the pamphlet we are encouraged to do two particular things:

1. “Use familiar phrases or memory devices to help your children remember important family values.”

In other words, all those trite phrases we as adults laugh at really work. Think along the lines of, “A penny saved is a penny earned,” or perhaps, “Honesty is the best policy” (Don Quixote). The reason they’re still around after all these years is they’re easy to memorize, and get the point across.

2. “Teach your children right from wrong. Discuss the consequences of making good or bad choices, of keeping or breaking family rules. When your children make wrong choices, act promptly and consistently to administer the consequences or allow them to occur.”

Children need to know why. It’s not enough to simply tell them no, or what they did wrong. They need to hear the whys involved. Otherwise the only lesson learned is, “If I do that again Mom or Dad will be mad.”

When my oldest was only five years old she and my mother were spending the day together. They were second in line to checkout at a store. Right in front of my daughter was a boy, a little younger than her, who was eyeing a bunch of balloons that had fallen from their bins right up front. He noticed my daughter watching him, placed his finger up to his smiling lips, and picked up one of the balloons.

It wasn’t until my daughter and Grandma got out to the car that she started crying. Grandma couldn’t figure out why until from the depths of her little pocket my daughter pulled out a bright, pink balloon.

Are you all thinking "Teaching Moment" right now? Fortunately for me Grandma was. In the end my daughter went back inside to say what she’d done, and paid for the balloon with the few coins she’d brought along.

The story doesn’t actually end there. During the course of the morning I got a phone call from Grandma, who told me the entire thing. “She’s so upset,” I was told, “and is worried about what you’re going to say.” My poor little girl thought I would be so mad and couldn’t enjoy her time with Grandma until I’d forgiven her (which I promptly did). My daughter had already handed out her own punishment. I didn't need to do more.

Not all teaching moments are so obvious. Sometimes it’s the simple act of working together, and teaching your child to do a job well. Children love to work alongside their parents. My kids love to wash dishes with Mom (Mom’s not quite as enthusiastic about it, so it doesn’t happen as often as it should). During this time we look carefully at each item to be sure it’s really clean. This teaches them to do a thorough job. It also teaches them about being clean, so we’re not eating dirty dishes. Not only that but it opens up the lines of communication where other teaching moments will appear.

Just today my 5-yr old and I were playing 'Go Fish.' He kept wanting to bend a few rules, to make it easier for both of us to play. Right then I knew I needed to let him know the rules are set up for a reason, and we needed to follow them so everyone could have a good time.

We must be mindful of our children. Finding these teaching moments requires observation on our part. Be mindful, if something is a big deal to your child, it should be a big deal to you. Take their concerns and their joys seriously. It is in these things we will find the best teaching moments.