Children

Our family is in the planning stages of building a home. Since we remodeled our current home a few years ago, we have half an idea of what to expect. We are sure it will be exciting, but equally overwhelming. Every day a contractor will come to the job with the tools needed to perform his work. With the right tool and the skill to use it, they can create something lasting and beautiful.

The actual building work is horribly messy and loud. We know that we’ll step through danger zones, climb over piles of material and walk through dust-covered rooms to see bits of progress here and there. The buzz of the saw or pounding of the hammer is usually constant. There will be mistakes that will have to be corrected, pulled out and re-built. Delays are inevitable and most projects wind up behind schedule and over budget. From a shell, the home slowly begins to take shape. If it is constructed with solid materials using the right tools and the right skills, the finished product can be a masterpiece.

Mothers and fathers are building masterpieces of their own. Every day they work together to help build the human family – to raise children into moral, hard-working, smart, talented and loving people.

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, (known as the Mormons), the Church leadership wrote a “Proclamation To the World” about the family to state the importance of this sacred responsibility:

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 1995)

Mom and Dad as builders each have jobs to do but may need different tools and different skills to build their part of the structure.

“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 1995)

So how do Mom and Dad get the right tools and the skill to use them?

I can’t speak for the fathers, but being a mother, I know that I am in great need of certain tools: I need the tool of teaching, listening, and evaluating progress. I need the tool of increased patience, and an understanding of what motivates a toddler or teenager. I need the ability to correct someone while ensuring they know they are loved. I need to know when to get involved and when to pull back. I need the tool of good example, because all eyes are watching (all the time). I need a selfless heart, ready to support and lift others. I know that I’ll need to use a different tool with a different child.

No matter what your background, every parent has gaps in their parenting abilities. There will always be a tool or skill I am missing and know I need, but don’t have. Whether we had great parenting mentoring or none at all, we are always learning new things as parents.

In my search, I’ve found that one of the best resources to gain the tools and skills for this construction project are the scriptures. In the words of apostle Henry B. Eyring,

“Often the answers will come as you study the scriptures. They contain accounts of what the Lord did in His mortal ministry and the guidance He has given His servants. They have doctrine in them which will apply in every time and every situation. Pondering the scriptures will lead you to ask the right questions in prayer. And just as surely as the heavens were opened to Joseph Smith after he pondered the scriptures in faith, God will answer your prayers and He will lead you by the hand.” (Henry B. Eyring, “Rise to Your Call,” Liahona, Nov 2002, 75–78)

Our learning as parents is line upon line, precept upon precept (Isaiah 28:10). We don’t learn it in a day, but over a long period of time and usually through hard experience!

Another way to add to our toolset is prayer. A mother I know was having trouble with her teenage son. She was out of ideas and didn't know what else to do. She prayed about it and her answer was a complete surprise. She was counseled through prayer to be nice to his friends - to talk to them when they came over and feed them when her son was entertaining them at her house. She said it was something she would have never thought of, but tried it. Because she built the relationship with her son's friends, she strengthen the relationship with her son. This simple piece of counsel solved her problem.

The construction of a human life is indeed messy, hard work. In this hard-hat area we call family life, we may need to re-frame something that we’ve built that is unstable. We will have to be careful where we step. It will take time to step back and see the frame slowly take shape. We will need to periodically check the blueprints and renderings to remind ourselves what the finished product should look like, and that it is worth the expense in time and sacrifice. Our Creator has given us the grand opportunity to help create and build this human life. We are starting with first-rate materials! He will surely support us in the worthy work of caring for His spirit children. In the end, our foundation can be strong and our tools and skills ready for the task at hand.With His help and endowed with this miraculous power, mothers and fathers will have helped to construct a living masterpiece.

It is every parent’s dream to have a child that self-governs – one who makes good and correct decisions when choices are put in front of them. Is it just a dream or can it become a reality? Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons) believe it can.

Parents in the Church are counseled to teach their children “correct principles and let them govern themselves.” (Joseph Smith, as quoted by John Taylor in Millennial Star, 13:339.)

Self-governance? This free-sounding approach may give some parents a panic attack. (What? I just watched my child walk into the middle of the street. Yesterday he refused to eat his vegetables. Tomorrow I know he will hit his brother when I am not around. My child hardly appears ready to self-govern!)

But gospel principles are not about the child making just any choice, they are about a child learning how to develop the skills and the conscience to make wise and good choices.

Our son had half-heartedly agreed to help another Boy Scout with his Eagle Project. He mentioned the project to my husband and me, but noted that none of the other boys were going to help and that he didn’t want to go. The project involved getting up at 7:30 on a Saturday morning and digging trails for 4 hours on a hot summer day. For the boy to finish the Eagle project, he had to have a team of people helping.

Saturday morning came, although we had forgotten about the event. His Scout leader called at 7:25 a.m. to say he was on his way over. My husband went to wake our son (who is not a morning person). He let our son know that the scoutmaster was on his way. Our son promptly pulled the covers over his head and announced there was no way he was going. The Scout law popped into my husband’s mind and he kindly recited, “A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.” He left the room, went upstairs, prepared a bowl of cereal and a bottle of ice water for our son. Five minutes later, our son came upstairs, dressed and ready to go.

This hallelujah parenting moment was a stand-out experience for us. It was one of those times that confirmed that the hard work we were doing was working, even just a bit. (I have to confess I'm glad I was not the one answering the phone that morning!)

Church apostle Boyd K. Packer explains: “When one understands the gospel, it becomes very clear that the best control is self-control.” (Boyd K. Packer, “Agency and Control,” Ensign, May 1983, 66)

But how can parents help their child make the transition over time to become self-governing? We can’t control them. We can’t be with our children always as they go to school, play with friends and eventually move out to begin their own adult lives. It won’t happen in a day, but if there are three principles at work, a child can learn to govern themselves.

We Can Teach Truth

“Children do not learn by themselves how to distinguish right from wrong. Parents have to determine the child’s readiness to assume responsibility. … While we are teaching them, we have the responsibility to discipline them and to see that they do what is right. If a child is besmudged with dirt, we do not let him wait until he grows up to decide whether or not he will bathe. We do not let him wait to decide whether or not he will take his medicine when sick, or go to school or to church. …

“Parents also should teach their children early in life the glorious concept and fact that they are spirit children of God, and choosing to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ is the only way to enjoy success and happiness here and eternal life hereafter. They must be taught that Satan is real and that he will use all agencies at his disposal to tempt them to do wrong, to lead them astray, make them his captives, and keep them from the supreme happiness and exaltation they could otherwise enjoy” (Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God, Deseret Book, N. Eldon Tanner [1973], 87).

We must teach truth. The scriptures tell us we are responsible for teaching and correcting our children and will be accountable for doing or not doing it.

For I have told him that I will judge his house for ever for the iniquity which he knoweth; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not. (1 Samuel 3:13)

We teach through lessons and we teach as opportunities present themselves. Mostly, we teach by example.

We Can Give Opportunities to Choose

Even for the youngest of children, we can allow choices that are age-appropriate. When we give choice, we may need to hold our breath and step back to give the child a chance to see how the choice played out without prematurely stepping in to evaluate, correct, or pronounce a consequence.

“For the first part of childhood, the most important task for children is obedience, learning to follow parental advice very strictly. However, as children grow older, they gradually must pay more attention to the task of learning to act independently. In the beginning, parents personally show three-year-old children exactly when and where to cross the street. Such guidance at age fourteen is seldom appropriate. In fact, if adolescents do not eventually pay more attention to this second task, they become in a real sense crippled, continually dependent on parents to make their decisions.” Donald K. Jarvis, “Leaving Eden: A Lesson for Parents,” Ensign, Feb 1991, 39

I believe in accountability and consequences, but I have noticed that if I give swift rewards or punishments after my children make a choice, I have not really given them the opportunity to choose. I have short-circuited the choice process by not allowing time for the child to evaluate the outcome for themselves. An immediate treat or time out conditions their behavior but encourages me-centered thinking. They are not concerned with doing the "right thing". They are thinking about how the reward or punishment affects them (good or bad for me?). I may be conditioning behavior, but I am not helping them develop their conscience.

We Can Hold Children Accountable

“We try to guide our children toward self-respect … and mostly leave it up to them to judge themselves. We have experienced the fact that one is not as good a teacher when one discovers and points out mistakes … as when one helps a child to discover for himself that he is doing wrong. When a child can comprehend his mistakes himself, the first step to change has already been taken.

“I remember once how we asked our son, after a transgression, to set his own punishment. He decided that he should not be allowed to watch television for one month. That seemed to us to be considerably too severe, but how happy we were to hear from his grandmother that while visiting her he had insisted she was wrong to encourage him to watch a certain television program, even though his parents would never know. I don’t think there can be a greater joy for parents than to see a child handle himself well in a difficult situation” F. Enzio Busche, “‘Provoke Not Your Children’,” Ensign, Mar 1976, 41)

At times, our children may need direct or pointed correction. The scriptures help us to see it can be done in a positive way:

"Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death. (D&C 124:43-44 )

We can follow it up with love and encouragement for their progress, so the correction doesn’t become mere criticism. Our children can know we have their best interests in mind. They can know we love them and want them to succeed.

Self-control is tough to achieve and may take years to develop. Since I am still working on this goal, I can have patience with my own children who are 30 years or so behind me. Hopefully, my children can get there with parents who teach truth, follow-through and love unconditionally.

A friend of another faith attended a Sunday service for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons). She was surprised to see (and hear) so many children of all ages in attendance. At her church services, small children were tended in a separate room until the services were over.

We know our children are “an heritage of the LORD…. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them…” (Psalms 127:3-5)

Our quiver and our pew are full, which sometimes brings its own challenges. We’ve had a three-year-old son escape from our pew and run down the aisle with the taunt, “You can’t catch me!” We’ve had hungry, fidgety and crying infants. We’ve had siblings argue over the crayons and paper that were intended to keep them occupied.

So why would we go to church weekly for the last 13 years with children in tow? Our small, wiggly children are asked to sit still during a service that would seem beyond their attention span, but we (and other members of the congregation) are willing to overlook the potential cry of a baby or the occasional whispering chatter of a toddler.

There are four things we hope to teach our children by bringing them to church:

1. Love for our Father in Heaven and the Savior, Jesus Christ

"We want our children in [sacrament meeting]. We also want them to learn reverence, which is a form of love for the Savior. We want our children to understand that this is a worship service for Jesus, where we show him we love him." ( Report from the 161st Annual General Conference, April 6–7, 1991 W. Mack Lawrence)

By attending church every week and taking the sacrament, we renew the promises and covenants we made at baptism – our way of showing our love to our Savior. When our children are baptized at age 8, they also can renew these covenants each Sunday.

They learn to love the Savior by learning His doctrine. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, there are Sunday classes created just for children, called Primary. They sing songs and have a lesson on a gospel principle. They go to individual classes with lessons targeted for their age. They meet with their families in sacrament meeting, where the sacrament is passed. They learn more about the Savior’s life and teachings. They learn stories from the scriptures. They learn about God’s commandments and His love for His children. They can try to be more like Him because they know Him.

2. Repentance
One day after a particularly rowdy Sunday meeting, my husband gathered the family together to teach the importance of the sacrament. With a jar of clear water, he had the kids add drops of food coloring until the water was black. We talked about how we make mistakes during the week. We work on repentance every day, but on Sunday, we also take the sacrament and renew our baptismal covenants. The kids added bleach and watched the water become clear again. It brought home the purpose of going to church every Sunday – it helps us to repent and move forward.

3. Respect for the Savior and for others
When we teach reverence during church, we teach respect for the sacrament and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The children learn respect for others as they go to Primary classes, listen to speakers, and try to stay quiet so other people in the congregation can enjoy the meeting.

"Worship services are a tremendous opportunity for children to learn about self-control and respect for the rights and needs of others. These sacred gatherings are occasions for all of us to work together to help children learn to feel and desire the ministrations of the Holy Spirit. Then as they grow they will gain a deep, abiding love for the Savior, a love that will sustain them on the strait and narrow path back into His arms." (Joan Hughes and Helen Hughes, “Teaching Children to Worship,” Ensign, Jan 2007, 24–27)

4. How to Feel the Holy Ghost
We want our children to learn to recognize the feelings and presence of the Holy Ghost.

"Even very small children can experience the beautiful, sacred, tender feelings bestowed by the Holy Spirit, and all children have a need and a right to do so. For our children to feel the Spirit, they need to take part in sacrament meeting and be tranquil enough to sense the whisperings of the still, small voice. It is not always easy, but we can teach our children to “be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10).(Joan Hughes and Helen Hughes, “Teaching Children to Worship,” Ensign, Jan 2007, 24–27)

We are trying to follow Christ, who invited the little children to be with Him.

"And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them. "(Mark 10:13-16)

Are our children too young to learn these lessons? I don’t think so. Even our 11-month-old folds his arms on his own when we have family prayers. Every Sunday is a drop in the bucket of our child’s experience. My older children show me that bringing them to church, even as babies, was a very good choice. It isn’t easy, but it is worth the effort. We know that if we hang in there, we will be able to say as the apostle John did:

"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth." (3 John 1:4)