Children

I have been awestruck by the recent account in the news of 18 Gloucester High School girls (mostly sophomores) getting pregnant, apparently excited at the prospect of having a baby on their own.

My heart aches for these unborn babies and for the mothers who know so little about what is to come. They offer their babies a life of insecurity and poverty; with an uneducated mother and no father. It is undeniable that these babies deserve more than these children can offer.

It is the world’s current state of morality that prompted the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons) in 1995 to write “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.”

In this sacred document, it states:

“God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife…The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”

In an age where adults focus on their own rights and needs, true entitlement belongs to the children, who need both a mother and father to give them security, love, and parents who can both support the family economically and be there to tend to the child's physical, emotional and spiritual needs.

The high school provided in-school day care for girls who already had babies. Pathways for Children CEO Sue Todd noted “that some of the girls involved had been identified as being at risk of becoming teen mothers as early as sixth grade, when they began to request pregnancy tests in middle school. ‘What we've seen is the girls fit a certain profile,’ Todd said. ‘They're socially isolated, and they don't have the support of their families.’” (Glouster Pregnancy Plot Thickens, Time (online), Kathleen Kingsbury, June 23, 2008)

I heard commentators who were shocked by the situation. But I think we cannot be surprised at children making such decisions when they lack family support, love, instruction, attention and are under bombardment by television, movies, and books with constant messages: Intimacy outside the bonds of marriage is normal, single parenting is a personal choice to be applauded and fathers are optional.

The solution offered by many commenting is to provide birth control to these children. But the expectation is far too low. God the Father expects more. As Paul teaches the Corinthians:

“Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s."
(Corinthians 6:18-20)

Mormon apostle, Elder Jeffrey Holland, explains why sexual sin is so devastating:

“The body is an essential part of the soul. This distinctive and very important Latter-day Saint doctrine underscores why sexual sin is so serious. We declare that one who uses the God-given body of another without divine sanction abuses the very soul of that individual, abuses the central purpose and processes of life, “the very key” to life, as President Boyd K. Packer once called it (“Why Stay Morally Clean,” Ensign, July 1972, 113). In exploiting the body of another—which means exploiting his or her soul—one desecrates the Atonement of Christ, which saved that soul and which makes possible the gift of eternal life. And when one mocks the Son of Righteousness, one steps into a realm of heat hotter and holier than the noonday sun. You cannot do so and not be burned.” (Jeffrey R. Holland, “Personal Purity,” Oct 1998 Conference)

He goes on to describe the symbol of marriage:

“…human intimacy is reserved for a married couple because it is the ultimate symbol of total union, a totality and a union ordained and defined by God. From the Garden of Eden onward, marriage was intended to mean the complete merger of a man and a woman—their hearts, hopes, lives, love, family, future, everything….Can you see the moral schizophrenia that comes from pretending you are one, pretending you have made solemn promises before God, sharing the physical symbols and the physical intimacy of your counterfeit union but then fleeing all other aspects of what was meant to be a total obligation?"

How rare and how magnificent is this message.

I want to put my arms around those girls, not much older than my own daughter. I want to tell them how much they are loved by their Father in Heaven. I want to tell them they are daughters of God and can become more than they can now imagine. They do not have to expect a lower standard for themselves and for their children. They deserve a loving spouse. Their children deserve a loving father. They can have an eternal marriage. It is worth the sacrifice and the wait. The commandments are here for our happiness and eternal joy.

I cry for these children and for their their future children. They both can have so much more.

I just read about a celebrity who bought their very own private island. I want one. Some days, I feel like moving our family to live on a deserted island where I could protect them from all that is bad in the world. We might literally swim with the sharks, but we could avoid Internet pornography, school shootings, overwhelming materialism, profanity, abuse from sexual predators, immorality, gender confusion, drunk drivers, and illegal drugs.

I can’t hold my breath for my deserted island dream. I know that we are in the real world to stay. Leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (also known as the Mormon Church) know our plight as parents and understand the challenges we face. They want to help. In great wisdom, they understand that escape isn’t the answer. They know that we can make it through.

“I don’t think it’s called for…to live in fear, to see all that’s going on around us and say, ‘How can we ever raise a family when all of this temptation and difficulty is about us?’ Well you can, because you can be guided and you can teach your children to be guided. In all of that you can live a happy life and find in the consummation of all of this, in the next existence, that the family can be together” (Boyd K. Packer, Worldwide Leadership Meeting, Building Up a Righteous Posterity, Feb 2008)

So how do we protect our most priceless possession – our children? We can’t follow them around every minute. We can’t live their lives for them. Parents have a responsibility to protect their children, but if we can’t protect them by removing them from everyday life, what can we offer as protection?

First, we need to know who or what we are fighting against.

In a world of opposition, there is true good (from God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ) and true evil (from Lucifer). The “father of all lies” (2 Ne. 2:18). is a real enemy who actively seeks to deceive, distort and destroy. Then, when he has enticed us to destroy ourselves, he will not rescue us. He only wants us to be as miserable as he is. (2 Nephi 2:18). He has "fiery darts” that he shoots at us: pornography, lust, abuse of power, selfishness, hate, addiction, pride, violence, extremism, disobedience, and every other vice. He uses every weapon at his disposal – the blatant and subtle. Reports of his success in battle are showcased on the evening news or in the morning paper. It certainly seems that he is gaining ground.

But even with his successes, our questions about protection are not unique to our generation. The scriptures teach us how to give our children sturdy armor that will protect them against the battle for character, morality and the human spirit. Paul the apostle taught:

“Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your fee shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” (Ephesians 6:1-17)

The best protection we can give our children is spiritual. We can arm them with truth, righteousness, peace of the Gospel, faith, salvation and the word of God. Time spent together as a family in worship, prayer, scripture study and conversation builds the armor piece by piece, until our children are well protected to enter the world. It is time well spent. Our effort is worth it. The protection we can offer is constant and enduring. We can trust our Father in Heaven’s promise for us and for our children that if we obey the commandments we will be happy (Mosiah 2:22). We can live by faith and not its opposite - fear.

So maybe I don't need my own island after all. I think that's o.k., I sunburn anyway.

My 13-year-old son just bought an Ipod. Maybe we are technology laggards, but it took awhile for him to earn enough to purchase this coveted item. He is a typical teenager, walking around plugged in much of the time, raising his head on occasion with a puzzled look and a “What did you say?” Of course, we confess that this is the real reason we waited. Mom and Dad weren’t quite ready for the tune-out.

Music has power. It brings back memories we associate with songs. We tap our toes to its beat. It makes us dance or smile, sing along or cry. We have a hard time describing its power with words. We just know that music can reach untouched places in our soul.

My husband and I started to notice the power of music after watching our son’s kindergarten teacher. Like magic, she would sing Japanese songs to the kids each time she wanted to move to the carpet for a story or back to their chairs for math. The children quickly learned her cues. She never had to remind them, repeat herself, or talk over their talking. She simply sang a song and the children knew what to do.

We followed her example when we were having trouble getting our kids into a bedtime routine. We made a 10-minute bedtime CD and told the kids that when the music ended they had to be in their pajamas with their teeth brushed and in our room, ready for scriptures and stories. It worked beautifully and eliminated the reminding, cajoling and plain nagging that can accompany bedtime.

Because of music, our children have learned the alphabet, can sing the names of all 50 states and know the parts of speech (think Schoolhouse Rock).

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons) believe that music is a gracious gift from our Father in Heaven. Because it influences thinking, it can lift and inspire and bring us closer to God. Even Jesus Christ, in preparation for His greatest test, found comfort and strength in a hymn. (Mark 14:26).

For those who have heard the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, you will know that music is an essential part of worship in the Mormon church.

“For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads” (D&C 25:12).

Because the the Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-Day Saints emphasizes music in worship, it offers something unique for children. Every Sunday, the children spend at least 30-45 minutes of church services learning and singing songs about gospel principles. Children are taught through music answers to the most important questions of life. They learn who they are (I am a Child of God), why Christ came to earth (He Sent His Son), the importance of keeping the commandments (Keep the Commandments) and the love God has for them (I Feel My Savior's Love).

There are over 270 songs in the children’s songbook that they learn during the children’s meeting (called Primary). During every sacrament service (the main meeting for adults and children), there are at least three hymns sung with an additional rest hymn or musical number. Music is core to reverence, gospel instruction and worship of our Father in Heaven.

Because of its great power to control our thoughts, music can be inspiring or destructive. Our kids need to know the difference between good and bad music.

“Through music, man’s ability to express himself extends beyond the limits of the spoken language in both subtlety and power. Music can be used to exalt and inspire or to carry messages of degradation and destruction. It is therefore important that… we at all times apply the principles of the gospel and seek the guidance of the Spirit in selecting the music with which we surround ourselves.” (Priesthood Bulletin, Aug. 1973, 3.)

It is pretty normal in today’s music to hear (put to a catchy tune or pulsating beat) that swearing is self-expression, premarital sex has no consequence, hate of others is acceptable and any behavior is right, as long as you feel like doing it.

As a parent, I am glad that Church leaders are an extra resource, giving my children good advice when it comes to music:

“Remember, young people, I want each of you to remember that this is your Church, and He is your Lord and your Savior who stands at the helm. His constant guidance and inspiration are available to you when you keep your mind filled to overflowing with the good, the beautiful, the inspiring. And this is one way to do it. Choose a favorite hymn or song…one with words that are uplifting and music that is reverent, one that makes you feel something akin to inspiration. There are many beautiful songs to choose from. Seek the guidance of the Spirit in making your selection. Go over the song in your mind carefully. Memorize it. Even though you have had no musical training, you can think through a simple song. Now use this as the course for your thoughts to follow. Make it your emergency channel.

Whenever you find shady actors slipping from the sidelines of your thinking onto the stage of your mind, put on this CD, as it were. It will change your whole mood…Because the music is uplifting and clean, the baser thoughts will slip shamefully away. For while virtue, by choice, will not associate with filth, evil cannot tolerate the presence of light. In due time you will find yourself humming the music inwardly, almost automatically, to drive out unworthy thoughts.

As you young people involve yourselves with righteous and worthwhile things, keep your minds filled with worthy thoughts, for as a man thinketh so is he, and you will have the ability to accomplish those things that will bring fulfillment to your lives.” (Boyd K. Packer, “The Message: Worthy Music, Worthy Thoughts,” NewEra, Apr 2008, 6–11)

I'm sure that our family's Ipod use will have its ups and downs, but I hope that my son will choose to follow wise counsel from an apostle of God to use music to its inspiring advantage.

I started working when I was 14 years old. Unlike any part or full time job I’ve ever had, motherhood is a completely unique occupation.

Most mothers know that their work is important. Of course it is. It is a basic belief of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons) that mothering matters deeply.

“We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

So why is contentment in mothering such a rare commodity in today’s world? On a radio show, I hear a TV producer say that she would go completely crazy if she had to stay home full-time with her kids. Another friend’s husband jokes that his wife needs to get back to work after the birth of their second child to “do her part” to support the family. A neighbor says she looks forward to going back to work on Monday because the weekend with her young children is so exhausting. A friend repeats the oft-heard question, “But what about YOU?” implying that mothering isn't personally rewarding. It's true that the laundry pile and meal preparation can feel tedious. And some days I wonder if I’ve made a difference taking my son to cello or if my daughter really cares who makes her a sandwich. Finding a rare moment to myself usually involves locking the bathroom door (often to hear pounding on the other side). Yes, becoming a content mother can be a true struggle.

But I know mothers who are content. They do not live problem-free or perfect lives, but they are happy, satisfied and joyful. They take satisfaction and pride in their work. They are confident and at peace with their choices. I want to know their secrets because I want to love being a mother. I want to feel content and fulfilled while I’m living every busy minute of mothering. I have watched and tried to learn from the wise mothers around me. So far, I have uncovered four secrets that only content mothers seem to know:

Secret #1 – Content mothers know what they do
A CEO describing his job would say, “I run a major corporation.” He would not sheepishly answer, “Well, I answered a lot of email today.” Content mothers know that they are co-partners that create, sustain and develop human life. There is magnificence, power and eternal glory in this statement. Our first mother, Eve, was hailed as the “mother of all living”. (Genesis 3:20)

Without mothers, creation of all living ceases. Our Creator gives us the privilege of creating the most renewable, the most vital, the most productive and the most regenerating commodity on earth: human life. He graciously gives most of the human family this opportunity to share His creative power. He does not ask us to pass a test, earn more than 50K per year or have a Bachelor's degree to be a mother. He gives this honor and gift freely, wanting most of His children to participate in the creative process. And because He gives it so freely, it seems common. We easily forget its miraculous significance.

Content mothers know that human hands can create art, buildings, and businesses, but mothers build a human life at its core. Both parents teach, but our Father in Heaven has designated mothers to be special teachers in the lives of their children.

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."(The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

With unique nurturing abilities, a mother’s daily influence teaches a child to speak, read, eat, love, listen, share, work, and act with integrity. We teach respect of self, of others and of property. We teach basic beliefs about religion, ethics, self-perception, and how to find happiness.

Content mothers know that we can fix a broken bridge after an earthquake, re-start a failed business, or re-paint a work of art if it gets damaged. But once we build our human family, we cannot re-create it or recapture our time. Our early work is permanent and not easily repaired. We have created a living, vibrant being from the ground up and the impact of our work is multi-generational. Once our children are grown, what we have done during the teaching years is in their hearts and minds forever.

Content mothers believe the words of 9th LDS Church President, David O. McKay:

“The home is the first and most effective place for children to learn the lessons of life: truth, honor, virtue, self-control; the value of education, honest work, and the purpose and privilege of life. Nothing can take the place of home in rearing and teaching children, and no other success can compensate for failure in the home.” (Family Home Evening Manual 1968–69, p. iii.)

When mothers really understand the significance and impact of what they do, they are quietly confident. They know that they are a moral leavening agent, lifting others around them. They are content because what they do matters immensely. Mothers have created the foundation for the human experience.

“When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses?" (Neal A. Maxwell, “The Women of God,” Ensign, May 1978, 10)

Secret #2 – Content mothers don’t compare
Content mothers know that comparing brings despair. Looking at the mother next door will always make us feel that our life is not exciting enough, or personally enriching enough or financially rewarding enough. We will never be “enough” when we compare.

Content mothers do not try to “outdo” other mothers. They know that pride is at the core of comparisons.

“Pride is essentially competitive in nature….Would we not do well to have the pleasing of God as our motive rather than to try to elevate ourselves above our brother and outdo another? (Ezra Taft Benson, “Beware of Pride,” Ensign, May 1989, 4)

Content mothers feel the natural pull of comparisons, but consciously reject them. In daily life, they avoid the common mistake of using business standards to compare or measure their value. Jobs make measuring “results” easy. The business world values revenues achieved, products manufactured, efficiencies gained.

Mothering values the opposite of “results”: service rendered, love given, time spent, relationships forged. Content mothers know that results take time to measure and that their measurement is eternal in scope. What they do exceeds any business measurement in breadth, depth, and length. Content mothers know that measuring mothering success by business standards is like measuring water with a ruler.

“After all, to do well those things which God ordained to be the common lot of all man-kind, is the truest greatness. To be a successful father or a successful mother is greater than to be a successful general or a successful statesman.” Success in an occupation—even a lofty one—is only temporary, President Smith concluded, whereas success as a parent is “universal and eternal greatness.” (Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1939, p. 285.)

I once asked my sister how she measured her mothering success when she could not guarantee how her children would turn out. She answered simply, “I measure my success by how I am becoming more like the Savior, Jesus Christ every day.” My sister is a content mother who doesn’t compare.

Secret #3 – Content mothers know the basics
Content mothers know that fatigue and hunger make both kids and moms cry. They know that sleep, diet and exercise must be a priority to function (at all).

In their families’ schedule, they follow the advice of apostle Elder Dallin H. Oaks to prioritize and be wise in their scheduling choices.

"We should begin by recognizing the reality that just because something is good is not a sufficient reason for doing it. The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives." (Dallin H. Oaks, “Good, Better, Best,” Liahona, Nov 2007, 104–8)

They know they cannot “run faster than they have strength.” (Mosiah 4:27)

Secret #4 – Content mothers know what brings happiness
Content mothers reject the loud and constant cry of the world that personal fulfillment comes through work or projects outside of the home. They know that there are enough circumstances (death or illness of a spouse, divorce, economic hardship, etc.) that will require outside work. Extra support from family members and God is required for these mothers who have an added burden. They know that outside care may be a necessity, but they do not fool themselves into thinking that outside caregivers can offer the same level of care, development and love that they can.

Content mothers continue to educate themselves. They learn a language, play an instrument, create a web site, write a book, get a degree, teach a class, volunteer, or do a hundred other things. They enjoy and use their talents and bless the lives of their children in the process, but they know when to pull back if their family needs them. They know life is not to be lived in one day.

Content mothers control their days. They know they can ignore the dishes for a week if they want. They can also teach a four-year-old the name of every bone in the body if they want. The knowledge of their autonomy has power, and content mothers know "If it is it be, it's up to me."

Content mothers know they need feedback, but they will not see a “mother of the month” plaque in the living room in July. There will not be a bonus in August or a raise in December. They will not ask their children for a performance review unless they want to hear, “Good job, Mom. We want more candy.” Content mothers ask spouses for support and encouragement, but create their own report cards to measure their progress. They use prayer to get feedback and direction from the only source that really matters, a loving Father in Heaven.

Most of all, content mothers follow the example of the Savior, Jesus Christ.

"Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:28)

Like Christ, they know that men and women of true personal greatness give unending service at great personal sacrifice.

These women are smart, savvy and wise. I look to their example and notice that when I bring children to the earth, I have created a legacy. By teaching them, I have learned true and correct principles. By treating them with an increase in love, I have become more Christlike. Through my service, I have begun to refine myself. As a content mother-in-training, I look to the words of 15th LDS Church President, Gordon B. Hinckley for inspiration:

"God bless you, mothers. When all the victories and defeats of men’s efforts are tallied, when the dust of life’s battles begins to settle, when all for which we labor so hard in this world of conquest fades before our eyes, you will be there, you must be there, as the strength for a new generation, the ever-improving onward movement of the race.” (One Bright Shining Hope. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2006 pg 18)