Children

It’s the growing season and I’ve just planted my seeds in our garden. What a thrill to watch something so small grow into something so miraculous and productive.

It’s also a week before my kids are out of school for the summer. I take a deep breath and feel a pang of anxiety, wondering if I am ready for them to be home all day long. But I know that we will quickly settle into a summer routine and all will be well.

More than that, I know that summer is the perfect growing season for my children. It is a season of long stretches of unscheduled time. There are fewer deadlines and more rest. There are no organized sports or homework. It is not a time to listen to complaints of boredom (although I am sure I will hear that, too). Instead, it is the perfect time to plant a seed of potential and watch it grow for the next three months.

In a church talk on Sunday, the speaker discussed a belief of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons). He noted that there are three things that we can take with us after this life is over: our learning and experience, church ordinances and our family relationships.

Learning lasts. In a book of scripture called the Doctrine and Covenants, it states:

Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection. (D&C 130:18)

Learning becomes knowledge. Knowledge authors skill. Skill develops potential. Our children have untapped potential which is both earthly and divine. They can become anything and can do anything.

So how do we help our kids dig up that potential and get it to grow? One experience taught me what grows potential and what kills it.

One summer, I decided to follow a recommendation by a child development researcher who said that kids should become a neighborhood or family “expert” on something. This helps to develop skill and increase confidence.

I decided that it would be our summer project. I asked my children what they wanted to become an “expert” on, and my fourth grader chose computer animation.

Like a gardener who gives a plant basic elements to grow, I stood back and watched in amazement as he downloaded a free 30-day trial for the software, then bought the product with his own money, spent hours on online tutorials and mastered the Macromedia Flash product over the summer. His learning and endurance was shocking to my husband and me. He was willing to sacrifice everything he had to offer to learn this new skill.

The next summer, I asked the kids the same question. This time, I suggested that my son continue his Flash skill and learn to build web sites. I bought an online class for him and offered to hire a tutor. I asked him to build me a web site. He said he would, then sat down and played computer games for the next two weeks. Clearly, I had done something to kill the seed of potential.

Like the 5 elements for a plant: dirt, sun, air, water, and time, I learned that there are also 5 elements for the growth of potential.

A Supportive Environment (Dirt)
A supportive home environment is like dirt for potential. Parents don’t create the seed of passion-driven potential, but we can help it grow. Instead of ignoring or putting off the dreams, we can say “yes.” Asking questions and listening seems to be the right approach to get the seed planted at the right depth. Questions like “Tell me about your interest.” “How do you want to go about learning that?” “What can you do to help us fit that in to our schedule” and “How can we help?” works well.

Ownership (Sun)
Ownership is like the sun. Our Father in Heaven knows our need to make choices. Our earthly existence is based on this principle of agency. It is through these choices that we progress. We must remember that our children are doing the learning, not us. When we ask “Don’t you really want to learn about…?” or say “That looks cool. Can I learn it at the same time?” or “Tell me all about it. I want to hear every detail.” We are standing over them, blocking their light or are asking them to move over because we want to grow. When we encourage them to take ownership, they are in full sun.

Sacrifice (Air)
Reaching for their goal by sacrifice is the air they need to grow. When we want it so badly for them that we reach for them or over-help because we don’t want them to fail, we take away their air and smother them. We can give choices and allow them to define their own purpose. Because they have purpose, they will willingly sacrifice time, energy and money to develop their potential. Surprisingly, when they have purpose, it doesn’t seem like sacrifice or work to them.

Recognize Their Progress (Water)
When we recognize their progress, it is like pouring water on the seed. It encourages and fosters growth. If we show no interest or say nothing, we are drying them out. When we over-praise and say “That is the most incredible thing in the world I have ever seen. You are an amazing genius,” we are over-watering and flooding them out, weakening their root structure. When we say, “Wow. Smart thinking. Your initiative is impressive. I am interested in what you are learning. Tell me about it,” we are watering at the right amount.

Time
Just like a plant, potential needs time to grow. They need uninterrupted time to dig deeply into their subject. Summer is ideal. When we are rushed or overscheduled, they have no time to discover their passion. Likewise, if we offer non-stop entertainment, they will always be distracted. Without time to think, they can never consider or discover their potential. And when we watch over them constantly, it’s like pulling up the plant to see if the roots are growing.

With these 5 elements, our children can grow the seeds of potential. They can grow and learn. Their new skill prepares them for service – they have something they can contribute.

Their new knowledge and skills can be combined with faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to help them achieve both their earthly and divine potential. They can use their skills and knowledge to serve God and their fellow man.

Sheri Dew, former counselor in the Mormon women’s organization, tells us the importance of understanding our potential. We all have a divine mission and purpose, and no one can take our place.

“The Lord knows who we are, where we are, what our mission is, and what we need in order to accomplish that mission. Not only has He known us for a long, long time, He has loved us for a long, long time. We are here now because we are supposed to be here now. No one else can have the influence or do the good that we were prepared and foreordained to have and do. No one else can fulfill our individual missions.” (No One Can Take Your Place, Dew, 207)

This summer, I look forward to seeing something small grow into something miraculous. In my garden and at home, I am looking forward to this year’s growing season.

I like the idea of world peace. But I don’t know if I can contribute much to world peace until I can create peace in my own car. With six children in an ever-shrinking, confined space, finding peace is no small task.

There are usually fights over the seat by the window or who gets to sit by the baby. In the rush of entry, elbows and backpacks collide with unintended body parts. Someone is perpetually carsick. One of the kids decides that this is the optimal time to play the recorder. Our teenager rolls his eyes at the music selections I choose for the younger children. Someone is always touching someone else. And so it goes…

Why do we choose to live this way? Low expectations and poor habits, I guess. One day, I took a fresh look at our car rides and decided that we needed to make a big change. We knew better and could do better.

I thought of the scripture about being “steadfast and immovable” and always abounding in good works. (Mosiah 5:15) Making the change would take parenting determination, a standard of high expectations and kid participation and commitment. It was a challenge, but I knew we could do it.

With a trial and error of solutions, we first learned what did not work. We tried an assigned seat rotation created by Mom. The fights over the seats were gone, but the kids grumbled about the imposed seat sentence.

On a long car trip, we tried giving each child five tickets. When contention broke out, we would remove a ticket. The child had to have at least one ticket left to get in the pool on the first day of our vacation. Our normally sweet child lost four tickets in the first 15 minutes. Because we were looking for bad behavior, the kids seemed to perform accordingly. We followed through with the plan for the rest of the trip, but decided this wasn’t for us.

We tried pulling over when the fighting started and waiting for the behavior to get better before we continued our ride, but it needed to happen consistently to be effective. Pulling over at night, on the freeway, or on the way to school wasn’t always the safest or most convenient idea.

A friend said she solved the same problem with a bigger car. We were already at capacity in our 8-passenger car and our garage size was limited. What now? This was harder than I thought!

I decided to find answers by looking to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. If there was any group that needed to apply a Gospel principle, it was us.

First, I knew that we were capable of changing. We needed to repent and have a “change of mind.” (BD Repentance) One day I found myself driving solo for a 12-hour drive back home from a vacation as my husband had to leave early for a meeting. Before we left, I made sure that we spent a few minutes reading the scriptures. We had a family prayer asking for peace, help and protection. I asked the children how they would feel if Jesus Christ was in our car for the day. Would He want to be there? Would He feel happy and comfortable? This was the mental shift we needed. The entire trip was pleasant and the children were loving and respectful to one another. The mental picture of having Christ beside them elevated their expectations for themselves. They intuitively knew how it would feel to sit beside Him. They wanted to be better, just thinking of His presence.

I love the children’s song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me.” My children know this song well. Even humming a few bars can be the reminder we need when we go back to old habits.

If the Savior stood beside me, would I do the things I do?
Would I think of His commandments and try harder to be true?
Would I follow His example? Would I live more righteously,
If I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me? ("If the Savior Stood Beside Me" Lyrics)

I also thought of the scripture that encourages families to have order.

Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God; (D&C 88:119)

We needed to organize ourselves. We needed more order if we wanted more peace in the car. Were backpacks ready? Were we rushing to find shoes the morning of? Were we eating breakfast in the car as we drove to school? When we looked at the car ride as a process, we could see where it was breaking down. We were not giving ourselves enough time to prepare for the coming day and were not getting up early enough to prepare without rushing.

One thing that is unique to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, known as the Mormons, is the expectation that everyone contributes. Each member takes turns serving, such as teaching Sunday School, presiding over a youth group, praying or leading the music in church. It requires effort by all members, but the result is a vibrant organization that provides amazing opportunities and growth for children, youth and adults.

The next step was to use this principle of participation with the kids. For those out of car seats, they decided that they would rotate each day of the week. They would each have a day by the window and the next day would be their day by the baby. Because they came up with the idea, they self-enforced their rules.

Finally, building love and an attitude of service was not going to happen overnight, but we decided to employ advice from a prophet of God:

And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the devil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness. But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another. (Mosiah 4:14-15)

It was not right to allow our children to fight and quarrel in the car. I prayed to know how we could teach our children to love and serve one another.

We held a family night where we practiced having a “soft answer” that turns away wrath. (Proverbs 15:1) If someone said something mean, we asked what would happen if they responded by throwing a rock back. We asked what would happen if someone threw a cotton ball back. We practiced for a week putting cotton balls in a jar every time someone responded with a soft answer to an angry remark. When the jar was full, we had a treat the following week.

The lds.org web site had a children’s service idea to be a “secret service” agent. For one family night we gave dark glasses and a black folder labeled “Top Secret” to each family member. We exchanged family names and offered one act of secret service each day for a week.

Of course, practical ideas also came in handy. A friend listens to books on CD with her kids. Many times, they don’t want to get out of the car when they finish the ride. What a great idea.

The road to peace in the car has been bumpy, but worth it. The rest of our journey continues to be about cooperation, patience, love and sacrifice, which is the long haul of life. Success is now less about arriving at our destination and more about enjoying the ride. And while we haven’t achieved total peace in the car, we are definitely on our way.

When I was a girl, we had Cheerio’s, eggs or oatmeal for breakfast. That was about it. When we got tired of hard-boiled eggs, we’d try scrambled or fried. Pancakes with bacon were a special treat and were reserved for the weekend when we had more time. Boy, times have changed.

For breakfast, my kids can have over 250 brands of boxed cereals. I can choose from bagged or boxed brands, organic brands, oat, wheat, spelt, barley or corn-based brands. My milk can be soy milk, rice milk, skim, 1%, 2%, or whole. It can be regular milk, “hormone-free” milk or organic milk. I can have regular eggs, egg whites, eggs from hormone-free farms, or eggs from free-range chickens. I can make waffles from scratch, choose from over 10 brands of pre-prepared mix, or from umpteen brands of frozen waffles. I can serve turkey bacon, low-fat bacon, pork bacon, “hormone-free” bacon or beef bacon. I can serve orange juice that is pulp-free, with regular pulp, with extra pulp added, or calcium enriched. I can choose from over 35 types of fruit smoothie or if I’m traveling, drive through a fast-food place for a breakfast bagel, burrito, or muffin sandwich with another 50+ choices.

And that’s just breakfast.

Our world of prosperity has given us an explosion of choices for us and our children. Just think about the increase in choice in these areas of their lives:

Credit: A generation ago, access to credit used to be tight, which made living within your means easier to do. Our children will have access to credit and can charge many purchases freely.

Dining/Food: Dining choices were limited and most people were at home during the dinner hour. Now, we can make a meal at home, pick up a pre-packed dinner at a big box store, drive-through dinner at a fast-food place or eat out (all on our way to take our 5-year-old to soccer practice.)

Activities: Organized recreation for small kids was rare. Now, we can choose between karate, baseball, soccer, gymnastics, dance, music lessons, Mommy and Me classes, science camps, girl scouts, boy scouts, or church activities. The list is endless.

Work: It was pretty common for our parents to work in the same jobs or careers for 20+ years. Any career is open to our children. They live in an opportunistic work environment where changing jobs or careers frequently is the norm.

Are our children ready? I don’t think I am ready! In fact, I’m exhausted just thinking about breakfast.

Our kids have a great challenge ahead of them. They need to be able to make decisions that our parents never had to. They need to be more wise and discerning than past generations. At a minimum, they need to maintain their sanity. At a maximum, they can achieve true peace and joy.

What can help?

First, we can know that choice is good, but that more choice doesn’t necessarily make us happier. In a favorite book of mine, The Paradox of Choice, author Barry Schwartz describes the decline of happiness in America:

“The American ‘happiness quotient’ has been going gently but consistently downhill for more than a generation. While the American gross domestic product, a primary measure of prosperity, more than doubled in the last thirty years, the proportion of the population describing itself as ‘very happy’ declined. The decline is about 5 percent. This might not seem like much, but 5 percent translates into about 14 million people – people who would have said in the seventies that they were very happy would not say so today. It seems that as American society grows wealthier and Americans become freer to pursue and do whatever they want, Americans get less and less happy.” (The Paradox of Choice, Schwartz, Harper Perennial, 201)

Our generation of parents prides itself in developing thinking, reasoning children. Most of my friends and I encourage greater choice than past generations of parents ever did. “Do you want to wear the red shirt or green?” “Would you like to play baseball or soccer?” “Would you like to go to the beach or go on a hike?” Although our children need to learn to be good decision-makers, it sometimes has a paralyzing effect. In the words of one mother describing her five-year-old:

“I have noticed that my son sometimes has difficulty making the sorts of choices that exclude one thing or another. I have the sense that it has to do with a sense of loss. That choosing one thing over another will mean that one thing is lost. Finally making the choice somehow minimizes the pleasure in the thing that is gained, though there also seems to be an accompanying relief in finally making the choice. I have noticed him deliberating, as if he is frozen with indecision. He literally cannot make the decision unless he is gently prodded. Most recently I noticed him doing this when given a choice between different colored popsicles.” (The Paradox of Choice, Schwartz, 143)

The author’s research shows that we spend more time and attention gathering information and making the choice than we used to. (Do I buy this white blouse or do I try 3 stores because there may be one I like better - and one on sale!) We have a limited quantity of time, so this is time not spent on talent development, relationship-building, service or other things that bring greater peace and joy.

I cannot help but notice that the author’s advice on maximizing joy and keeping choice manageable is the same advice I find in the gospel of Jesus Christ:

#1 Prioritize

The color of our children’s popsicle won’t matter much in 10 years, but who they marry will. There are some decisions that are trivial and some that are critical. Having priorities is essential and having spiritual grounding helps find those priorities.

“Choose you this day whom ye will serve…but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.” (Joshua 24:15)

If we (parent and child) seek to do the will of our Father in Heaven, our priorities will be grounded in love, service and “in doing good to all men.” If we follow counsel of the scriptures, we will spend our energy seeking for the things that matter the most.

"But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:" (Matthew 6:20)

Once priorities are known, the decisions that really matter become clear. The kind of birthday party they have, the car they drive or brand of shoes they wear is trivial. Decisions made in this category can be made quickly and can be considered “good enough.”

How they spend their time, who they date, the language they use, or the moral standard they choose are the weightier matters that deserve more consideration.

#2 Embrace Constraints

It sounds paradoxical, but following a set of rules is liberating. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, known as the Mormon church, it is not uncommon to hear about a great love for the commandments of God. I personally see them as a blessing, not a restraint. If we decide once to follow a commandment or rule always, the finality of that decision frees up thinking for other complex choices and gives peace of mind.

Will our children decide they will not smoke each time they are offered a cigarette? Will they decide to drink before the party, once at the party, or decide not even to attend drinking parties? Will our girls decide to dress modestly once, or every time they go shopping?

If they decide only once, they can avoid the gut-wrenching or hasty decisions that come in the pressure of the moment. The gospel of Jesus Christ and the words of living prophets help to guide our children on the decisions that really matter. Here are a few examples of modern-day counsel from church leaders:

• Stay away from pornography
• Obey the Word of Wisdom
• Stay morally clean before marriage
• Dress modestly
• Marry in the temple to create a forever family

#3 Seek Wise Counsel

There are those who are qualified to help our children with their decisions. Parents, church leaders, modern prophets and scripture can all give solid counsel to children looking for direction. Of course, one of the best sources of counsel is the Lord through prayer. With His help, they cannot go wrong.

But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; (D&C 9:8-9)

#4 Eliminate comparisons

Much sadness and depression in decisions comes from pride. Was our decision better-than or worse-than our neighbor’s? A friend of mine says, “Compare and despair.” We usually compare our worst trait with someone else’s best. C.S. Lewis’ comment on pride is even more relevant today, where there are constant social comparisons:

“Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)

#5 Model Discernment

Boy, I have a tough time with this one. While I know my overall priorities, I feel like the boy choosing a popsicle when it comes to my children’s after-school activities. “It’s all good,” I hear myself say. But being constantly overwhelmed by the ALL, is not good. Our children are likely to follow our lead when it comes to decision-making. The suggestions above are probably more important for me than my children, because they are watching what I do every day.

#6 Be Grateful

Finally, gratitude looks for the positive side of the decisions we’ve made. Gratitude takes our focus away from regret. Gratitude helps to focus on what we have, not what others have. And gratitude can give us a mental break from all of the decision-making we have yet to do.

I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. In this competitive, fast-paced world of expanded choice, I know that I can be confident in my decisions. The gospel helps me place my priorities in the proper order. It directs me to seek the Lord's will first and follow the commandments. After that, I use my best (and practicing) judgment to make the best decisions I can, and teach my children to do the same. With the words of the Savior, I am ready for the decisions this life has to offer. I may even be ready for breakfast.