Children

I am looking over my son’s shoulder as he plays on the computer. He can tell I am not happy. “Mom, it’s just a game,” says my six-year old as he plays a video game he found on the Internet. I ask about the objective of the game and he says it is to destroy his opponent. “I get points!” he tells me with enthusiasm. “I’m almost to level three!”

How harmless were the beginnings of video games - a ball going from side to side in the mesmerizing game of Pong. The 80’s arrived with games like Pacman and Space Invaders and the 90’s brought us Sonic, Doom and Laura Croft, with more sex, violence, and more realistic graphics.

I walked into a video game store last month to buy a CD game for my son’s birthday. Row after row of games with titles like “Assassin’s Creed”, “World of Warcraft”, “Grand Theft Auto” and “Command and Conquer” filled the store. It looked as if 95% of the games for sale offered killing, war and sin for a bargain price of $59.95. I left empty-handed and saddened at the gaming “advances” of the last 30 years.

Although there are some good educational and even good entertaining games, they seem to be the great exception. In my own home full of boys, I have yet to see the good in most video games. When my boys play, they show a predictable pattern. There are fights over who got more time, fights about who didn’t get a turn and fights with me when it is time to get off. My normally kind boys are not very nice. My in-home focus group has taught me what science already knows: Violent video games create more aggressive behavior and can be addicting. Studies show that video games actually alter the brain.

“A team of British researchers found that video game playing actually changes the chemistry in the brain by increasing the activity of dopamine. Dopamine is one of the most important neurotransmitters in the brain, controlling movement, attention, and learning." ("Playstation Nation", Bruner &Bruner, 2006, p. 28)

And

“UCLA psychiatrist Carole Lieberman says, “So the brain not only is seeing the images and getting stimulated, but it's practicing a response. When the person is exposed to these violent media stimuli and it excites the psychoneurological receptors, it causes the person to feel this excitement, to feel a kind of high- and then to be addicted to whatever was giving him the high” ("Playstation Nation", Bruner &Bruner, 2006, p. 20)

The new Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games (MMORPG) like EverQuest and World of Warcraft are even more addicting. Players create their own character and go on “missions” with other simultaneous Internet players. The players rely on each other for support. Gamers play for long periods of time to improve their character’s skill to stay up to speed with others. Players can create new identities and live in a world of fantasy where social interaction exists. They feel that they can be part of something grand and extraordinary. For the addicted gamer, the virtual world is more exciting than everyday life.

According to the National Institute for Family and Media, about 92% of children, ages 2-17 play video games regularly. This translates into 59 million young players. Of those children, one in seven players shows signs of an addiction. (www.mediafamily.org)

Unlike other “toys” in childhood, adults who play frequently have a hard time giving up video games. According to the Entertainment Software Association, the average adult gamer has been playing for 12 years. Fifty-three percent of game players expect to be playing as much or more ten years from now than they do today.

Even the American Medical Association brought video game addiction to our attention in 2007, recommending that Internet/video game addiction be a formal diagnostic mental disorder.

I am very grateful for counsel of inspired church leaders who would steer us away from the bad in media and its possible addictions. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons), children and teens are counseled to stay away from violent media.

“Depictions of violence often glamorize vicious behavior. They offend the Spirit and make you less able to respond to others in a sensitive, caring way. They contradict the Savior’s message of love for one another.” (For the Strength of Youth , 19).

What goes into the minds of children is hard to erase. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, an apostle of the Mormon church has said,

“Just as we exercise great care about what we take into our bodies through our mouths, we should exert a similar vigilance about what we take into our minds through our eyes and ears” (“Windows of Light and Truth,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 77).

The effects may not be immediately visible, but they are present. Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles expressed it well when he said:

“I believe the entertainment industry cannot portray on film people gunned down in cold blood, in living color, and not have it affect the attitudes and thoughts of some of the people who see it. … I believe that the desensitizing effect of such media abuses on the hearts and souls of those who are exposed to them results in a partial fulfillment of the Savior’s statement that ‘because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.’" (”When Shall These Things Be?” Ensign, Dec. 1996, 58.)

The scriptures teach us that contention’s source is not from God or His Son, Jesus Christ:

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away. 3 Nephi 11:29-30 .

Not only is contention to be avoided, but it can be replaced with good. Video games try to mimic a sense of purpose and direction. If our children have a knowledge of where they are headed from an eternal point of view, they don’t need a fantasy or escape from reality. They can work toward the eternal reward and find great joy and happiness. And at the end of their lives, they will have a happy day of accounting with God in how they spent their time.

We all need recreation, but Elder M. Russell Ballard recommends that we not let “things get out of balance. It is not watching television, but watching television hour after hour, night after night. Does not that qualify as idling away your time? What will you say to the Lord when He asks what you have done with the precious gift of life and time? Surely you will not feel comfortable telling Him that you were able to pass the 100,000-point level in a challenging video game” (“Be Strong in the Lord,” Ensign, July 2004, 14).

The social wave of video gaming is strong. These games seem to be everywhere. They are in many homes and played by many kids. Video games keep kids busy and quiet, which is a great motivator for busy parents. We've all been there. But the content has evolved into a sneak-attack on unassuming parents. When the virtual killing of humanity becomes "no big deal", it is a wave worth blocking.

I have seen the negative effects of violent games on my children. I have seen friends’ marriages fall apart in part, due to addictions of video gaming. I have read scientific material on the subject and I am convinced.

I tell my boys that I want them to be able to hold a conversation, have a real relationship, and have a hobby that produces and doesn’t consume. There is a time to relax, but a greater sense of purpose will lead them to creative and creation-based play. Because I am convinced, I am selective, firm, and most times unpopular. But I am also grateful.

I am thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ that gives me knowledge of what my Father in Heaven wants me to teach my children. I am grateful for a modern-day prophet and apostles who can give wise counsel as times change. I am thankful for the purpose, direction, joy and excitement that comes from living the gospel. I am grateful for beautiful children that I can love and protect with a hope for their happiness all through their lives.

In the last three blogs, we’ve been trying to solve the puzzle of balance between being too lenient or too strict as a parent. This last blog talks of what we might think of as being “strict” – responsibility for our choices and consequences.

Mormon apostle Boyd K. Packer tells us that knowledge, choice and responsibility are indeed the three pieces of the parenting puzzle:

“There is no true freedom without responsibility, and there is no enduring freedom without a knowledge of the truth.” “Agency and Control,” Ensign, May 1983, 66.

When we start talking about consequences, we wonder “What is too strict? What is not strict enough?” These hard questions stump most parents, including me. I believe that the words of our Father in Heaven are the only balanced answer. Even with His words, actually doing it right at home is a continual learning curve and work-in-progress.

Figuring out consequences starts with a basic: We have the freedom to choose, but there are good and bad outcomes for those choices:

“…the righteous judgment of God; Who will render to every man according to his deeds: To them who by patient continuance in well doing seek for glory and honour and immortality, eternal life: But unto them that are contentious, and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, indignation and wrath, Tribulation and anguish, upon every soul of man that doeth evil, of the Jew first, and also of the Gentile; But glory, honour, and peace, to every man that worketh good, to the Jew first, and also to the Gentile: For there is no respect of persons with God. (Romans 2:5-11)

Obviously, our Father in Heaven wants us to choose the good. In the movie, Meet the Robinsons, the innovating father’s motto is “Keep Moving Forward.” Our eternal Father’s motto is the same. Keep improving. Keep overcoming. Keep becoming more like Him. Keep your eye on the target of eternal life – eternal life with Him. Mistakes are inevitable and a way has been provided to overcome these errors, but “Keep Moving Forward.”

His goal is progression, not punishment. He knows that when we obey natural laws, we reap blessings:

If we eat well and exercise, we can prevent disease and can enjoy good health.
If we are honest in our relationships, we gain credibility and trust.
If we stay out of debt and save a little, we have mental peace and a financial backup plan.

It’s the same for our children:

If they are kind to siblings, they form loving relationships.
If they are honest with parents, they earn trust and greater freedoms.
If they clean their rooms, they have a peaceful environment and a happy mother.

But we are going to make mistakes and so will our children. What does our Father in Heaven do when we make intentional or unintentional mistakes? He walks us through three steps: Stop, Repent, Keep Moving Forward.

Stop
When we start making mistakes, we may not even know it. A bad consequence makes us stop and take notice of what we were doing. We may experience the bad consequence of breaking a natural law, or our Father may place in front of us what he calls a “stumbling block.” Either way, things stop going smoothly. We are in discomfort or pain. We feel guilt. We lose the companionship of the Holy Ghost (Mosiah 2:36). He does not want to support our bad behavior and allow us to think our actions are fine. He knows where we are headed and wants to get our attention before we get too far down the path.

For behold, the Lord hath said: I will not succor my people in the day of their transgression; but I will hedge up their ways that they prosper not; and their doings shall be as a stumbling block before them. (Mosiah 7:29)

When our kids are making mistakes, they may hit a bad consequence by breaking a natural law, but sometimes that consequence is pretty far off. A ten-year-old is going to have a hard time seeing the consequence of not building good homework habits. Parents can initiate “stumbling blocks” of their own.

Stop computer or TV time if the homework is not getting done.
Stop playing with a friend if treatment of a sibling is unkind.
Stop extra activities for a time if chores are not completed at home.
Stop their activity if they are screaming or throwing a tantrum.

Like our Father in Heaven, we can also take away extra support that we are giving:

Stop providing financial assistance for irresponsible spending.
Stop providing electronic devices for entertainment instead of study
Stop offering cars or insurance for reckless driving.

But isn’t this “harsh”? It is only becomes harsh if we make one critical mistake. If we think that this step alone changes behavior, we will get stuck here. We will be surprised when the behavior doesn’t change and even gets worse. We may say we are “not getting through” to them and think they need stronger, more severe consequences. They may get more angry as they feel their choices being taken away. If we end here, we give out punishments without an ultimate purpose.

If your 3-year-old colors on the wall with markers, you may take away the markers (a “Stop”). If you do nothing else and they do it again, you may take away the markers and put them in time out. (A double “Stop”) If done again, you may throw the markers away, put them in time out, and send them to bed early.(A triple “Stop.”).

But this escalation in “consequences” misses a big point. The “Stop” step can raise awareness, but it usually does not change behavior. The next step seeks to change behavior by changing the thinking that causes the behavior in the first place.

Repent
When our Father has our attention, He then asks us to repent. The word “repent” comes from a Greek word that means “change of mind" (i.e. a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world.”) (BD)

He doesn’t want to take away our blessings. What He is trying to do is change our thinking to become more like His. He wants us to understand truth and natural laws. He wants us to know, as Einstein did, that there are governing, unchhangeable principles at work.

"Ethical axioms are found and tested not very differently from the axioms of science. Truth is what stands the test of experience," Albert Einstein

This is where love and listening are key. Parents sometimes mistakenly assume we know what our children are thinking. Unless we spend some time listening, we may be really off the mark.

One day my 5-year-old son was throwing a fit about going to a piano lesson. I assumed he didn’t want to go to the lesson. I could see a battle of wills in the making. Instead of making him get in the car anyway, I decided to take the time to really understand and practice some active listening skills I had just learned. After asking some open-ended questions, I was shocked. He was really upset because the day before I had promised ice cream after a doctor’s visit and hadn’t followed through. After we resolved the issue, he went to the lesson cheerfully. I assumed I knew his thinking, but I really had no clue until I asked some questions and listened.

Thoughts drive behavior. To change the behavior of our children we need to first understand their thinking. We find the holes in their logic or the misunderstanding of a principle. Then we can teach truth, a new way of thinking and what to do next.

“There are several vital steps to repentance. Each is essential for complete forgiveness. President Joseph F. Smith identified some of these steps this way: “True repentance is not only sorrow for sins, and humble penitence and contrition before God, but it involves the necessity of turning away from them, a discontinuance of all evil practices … a thorough reformation of life, a vital change from evil to good … to make restitution, so far as … possible, for all the wrongs we have done. … This is true repentance, and the exercise of the will and all the powers of [the] body and mind is demanded, to complete this glorious work of repentance.” 6 (Richard G. Scott, “The Path to Peace and Joy,” Ensign, Nov 2000, 25–27)

The 3-year-old wall artist can have the markers removed, but can also be taught to have a change in thinking and in doing. “Do you like having a clean house? Me too! We color on paper so we can keep our house clean. I would love to keep your pictures and keep our house clean.” He can help clean up the mess to experience full repentance.

Replacing a damaged toy, apologizing for bad language, and re-planting flowers destroyed in a neighbor’s yard are all ways parents can walk their children through the steps of repentance. The focus then moves from punishment to restitution and includes a hope of becoming better.

Repentance is a glorious gift made possible by the Atonement of the Savior, Jesus Christ. Only He can help us to fix the violation of natural laws and ultimately overcome our weaknesses. If we are willing to repent, we are able to move forward as quickly as we are able:

Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more. (D&C 58:42)

Keep Moving Forward
Before, during and after repentance, our Father in Heaven never ceases to point out the positive. He stresses the joy, blessings and happiness that come from obedience.

When His prophets preach repentance, they never fail to mention the redeeming power of the Atonement and the ability we have to overcome and “Keep Moving Forward.” The words of God are optimistic, happy and hopeful.

“The glorious thing about the whole matter of repentance is that the scriptures are as full of the Lord’s assurances that he will forgive as they are full of his commands for us to repent, to change our lives and bring them into full conformity with his wonderful teachings.

God is good. He is eager to forgive. He wants us to perfect ourselves and maintain control of ourselves. He does not want Satan and others to control our lives. We must learn that keeping our Heavenly Father’s commandments represents the only path to total control of ourselves, the only way to find joy, truth, and fulfillment in this life and in eternity.” (Spencer W. Kimball, “The Gospel of Repentance,” Tambuli, Mar 1983, 1)

I find it overwhelming that He always invites us to come back and enjoy the blessings He so willingly offers. Even if our behavior is terrible, He never sends us away and neither should we send our children away or give up on them.

He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him. Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation. Behold, doth he cry unto any, saying: Depart from me? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; but he saith: Come unto me all ye ends of the earth, buy milk and honey, without money and without price… he hath given it free for all men; and he hath commanded his people that they should persuade all men to repentance. (2 Nephi 26:24-27)

We can remain positive and hopeful with our kids:

“Your picture is so nice. I want to hang it on the wall so I can see it for a long time. I love the way you kept our house so clean.”
“I know you can do this. You will be so happy when you are done!”
"Hang in there. You are working hard for..."
“I like the way you…”
“I noticed how well you…”
“How can I help you?”

They can know that the blessings are worth every good choice. We can point our children to the redeeming power of the Savior that enables them to “Keep Moving Forward.”