Children

In my last blog, I observed that balance between being too strict or too lenient is first found by giving our children knowledge. We help them know their own strength and power - they are children of God with unlimited potential. They can do anything! We teach commandments to show them the most efficient path to the goal. We teach them to follow the Savior as a mentor and example. We teach them to listen to the Holy Ghost who can give personal guidance and inspiration.

Once they have correct knowledge, our children are ready to choose. In fact they usually sound like the famous words of Founding Father, Patrick Henry:

“Give me liberty or give me death!”

Why is it such a strong feeling? In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, known as the Mormons, we are taught:

"God gave to man part of his divinity. He gave man the power of choice, and no other creature in the world has it. So he placed upon the individual the obligation of conducting himself as an eternal being. You cannot think of any greater gift that could come to a man or woman than the freedom of choice. You alone are responsible, and by wielding and exercising that freedom of choice, you grow in character, you grow in intelligence, you approach divinity, and eventually you may achieve that high exaltation. That is a great obligation. Very few people appreciate it. The roads are clearly marked—one offering animal existence, the other life abundant...Freedom of choice is more to be treasured than any possession earth can give. It is inherent in the spirit of man. It is a divine gift. … Whether born in abject poverty or shackled at birth by inherited riches, everyone has this most precious of all life’s endowments—the gift of free agency; man’s inherited and inalienable right." David O. McKay (“Chapter 22: Agency and Responsibility,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, 205)

What an amazing gift! The need for choice and the opportunity to exercise that choice is absolutely essential for growth.

Agency is the impelling source of the soul’s progress. It is the purpose of the Lord that man become like him. In order for man to achieve this it was necessary for the Creator first to make him free. David O. McKay (“Chapter 22: Agency and Responsibility,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, 205)

Most of us know our children need choice, but how do we go about it? We want our children to obey not because obedience is the ultimate goal, but because progression is the ultimate goal. How do we help them keep choice on the right track?

What is the cycle of progression our Father in Heaven gives to us?

1. He gives us commandments and asks us to obey them. (Keep in mind He is a perfect leader and has given a perfect law.)
2. He lets us choose.
3. He gives us time.
4. He asks us to check in for review.

We’ve already discussed the first two steps to this cycle. The next two are just as important.

Time

Our Creator gives us time to choose. He gives us the gift of time before rewards or punishments (“consequences”) are given. Here's why, even for rewards:

“If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil—all would do good but not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency, only satanic controls.” Spencer W. Kimball “Chapter 2: Tragedy or Destiny?,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball, (2006),11–21

Most parents I know have a constant internal debate. Do I come up with a list of rewards or punishments for bad behavior? When do we let natural consequences set in and when do we create consequences?

Like the science experiments with mice where they get a zap or reward by going on the right path, immediate consequences can create conditioned behavior. Time is opportunity for growth. If we fail to give our children time in their choices, we can think that we are enforcing “consequences”, but we are really just conditioning behavior and conditioned behavior is immature behavior.

Our Creator gives us time to see the good and bad effects of choice for ourselves. These choices help us to reason, to process information, to weigh cause and effect. Time helps us mature. If we received an immediate response from Him after every action, our growth would be sabotaged.

What He usually does is wait until He sees patterns or halted progression before He acts. He then knows what we are really going to do if left on our own.

When I noticed this pattern, I decided to try it at home. I told my 6-year-old son that he could stay home with his older brother if he did his homework while I took another child to an activity. When I got home, the homework was not done and my son was playing at a friend’s house. The following week I told my 6-year-old that he could try again – that he should finish his homework before he went out to play. The second time, I found him watching a show, his homework not finished. I tried a third time with similar results. We had a conversation about what was preventing him from finishing his homework. One was the strong lure of friends to a six-year-old. The second was his need of more support with homework. The next week, he came with me and we finished it together in the car.

Review

One tool our Father in Heaven uses to keep choices on the right path is constant review. He has commanded us to pray. In the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior teaches us how to pray (Matthew 6).

There are many references to prayer in the scriptures. We can find there an entire list of the many reasons to pray, ways to pray and outcomes of prayer. (TG)

Prayer is the Progress Check. Prayer is His feedback system for choice. He can tell us if we are on the right track, how to stay on track or how to get back on track. We can share our struggles, our sorrows and our joys and accomplishments in prayer.

Th Progress Check method also works with our children. We can give them time, but can also meet with them regularly. The time we allow between Progress Checks may depend on their age or maturity level. It may be hours, days, weeks or months. But we can always meet with them to ask them:

1. What goals do you have? What are you trying to do?
2. What did try?
3. How is that going?
4. What worked?
5. What didn’t work?
6. How can I help you?

This feedback loop helps keep tabs on the choices so good choices can be encouraged and bad choices can be flagged.

All of this said, I believe that parenting around choice is much easier said than done. In theory, it sounds easy. In reality, it is very tough to give kids great opportunity for choice. It is hard to give them the knowledge they need. It takes time and great effort to train them. It takes self-control to give them the ability and time to choose, especially when the behavior is bothering you or someone else in the family. It takes personal and family organization to do regular reviews.

Sometimes we let fear take over. What if they choose badly? Out of the best possible intentions, our fear can drive us to skip these important steps or take over for them. We want them to be happy. We want them to avoid pain and suffering. It takes great faith to know that if we follow a heavenly example, it will turn out all right in the end. Sometimes it is not their challenge, but ours to learn the elements of choice. Take heart, keep trying. We can do this if we too follow His guidelines.

There is a final element of free will, or choice. The last step is responsibility. We have heard that we get to choose our actions, but don’t get to choose the outcomes. My next blog will responsibility that comes with choice and will talk about right conditions for consequences.

This blog is the second in a series of four. In the last blog, I suggested that finding a balance between too strict or too lenient parenting can be found in the words and examples of God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Finding the balance is not only important for the development of our children, it’s pretty important for the mental health of us parents. We can watch what He does and then try (and try again) to use it with our own children.

The first piece of this parenting puzzle is knowledge. There are two basic things our Father in Heaven wants us to know before He gives us the next puzzle pieces of choice and responsibility. They are:

1. The Target - Where We are Going
2. The Rules of the Game – How to Get There

1. The Target

Our Father in Heaven helps us “begin with the end in mind” as Steven Covey says. He gives us a vision of our end-state of life and tells us what the point of life is to be.

For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. )Moses 1:39)

He wants us back with Him. He wants to share all that He has with His children. He then tells us who we are, so we aren’t completely overwhelmed and unbelieving that this is possible.

For in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring. Forasmuch then as we are the offspring of God, we ought not to think that the Godhead is like unto gold, or silver, or stone, graven by art and man’s device. (Acts 17:28-29)

Jesus Christ then gives us a challenge – to strive for perfection.

Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. (Matthew 5:48)

It seems impossible! But Christ’s challenge keeps our sites on a target that is unchanging. He knows that we will not achieve the goal of perfection in this life, but we can work toward it every day.

This knowledge gives us confidence and direction. With the end in site, the standard high, and knowledge of our divine heritage, we can move forward, knowing that we can do hard things and that the reward is fantastic.

The same principles can be used with our children. We can help them visualize the end-state, whether we are talking about eternal or earthly things. When my son was eight, he went for about a two-month spell where he wouldn’t get out of the car at his violin lesson. Frustrated, I asked his wonderful violin teacher what she would do in my shoes. Should I physically drag him inside? Should I go home? Should I give him a punishment or bribe him? This mother of seven talented children told me, “Tell him that he can become a wonderful, gifted musician and this is what it takes to get there.” I tried it. I can’t say that he immediately bounded out of the car with a smile on his face, but he started coming back into the lesson and is still taking the violin years later. Because he stuck with it, he can now see that he IS a talented and gifted musician. This knowledge now feeds his interest. Visualizing the end-state is powerful and motivating. It keeps the standard high and the target in sight.

As a simple example, it can work with vegetable eating. Instead of pleading, bribing or punishing, we can help our children see the end goal. “When you grow up you are going to be a big vegetable eater. Your body needs the vitamins and you will find some that you love as an adult. At dinner, our family takes one bite of everything, even if you’ve had it before and even if you don’t like it. We need to see if those vegetable taste buds have kicked in yet - you never know when they will.”

We can also help our children to know who they are – that they are children of God and should act accordingly:

“You are a child of God and your body is a miracle gift. Smoking and drugs destroys that amazing body.”

“You are so intelligent. I know you can think of better words to use.”

“You can be kind, even when he teases you. Heavenly Father knows you have the power to choose how you respond.”

We can use this same principle in our own families. We tell our children they are the “Honest Ahlstroms” and that integrity is a family heritage. We share stories of grandparents and other relatives who have shown honesty during hard times. If they lie, we are firm but positive. “You are an honest Ahlstrom. We expect more.” Their potential is greater than they have shown and the standard is still high.

2. Rules of the Game

Once we know where we are going, we really need help in knowing how to get there.

We have more pieces of knowledge so we know what to do:

1. Commandments and direction
2. A mentor
3. A personal guide

Commandments and Direction

First, He gives us commandments and direction. The children of Israel had the 10 Commandments and the Law of Moses. With Christ’s coming, we have a fulfillment of the law and a higher expectation. After Christ gives the Sermon on the Mount where He outlines a new gospel, He tells us how to achieve the end-state.

20 Therefore come unto me and be ye saved; for verily I say unto you, that except ye shall keep my commandments, which I have commanded you at this time, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven. (3 Nephi 12:20)

The scriptures contain a complete outline of the law with blessings and punishments that come with keeping or breaking the law. Prophets and apostles give more information about the law and warnings when the people start breaking the laws. If we had no law, then any behavior would be acceptable – there would be no right or wrong. He knows that any behavior will not get us to our end goal. The commandments are a generous plan that gives us guardrails for life. They are the most efficient way back to the target.

There is no question that we need family law. Bedtimes, manners, chores, and other rules keep order and progression in place. We tell our children to stay out of the street to keep them safe. We feed them nutritious food to keep them healthy. We have them brush their teeth to avoid pain and decay.

But at the same time, we don’t need to come up with a rule and corresponding blessing or punishment for every behavior – we can point our children in so many instances to the perfect law of Jesus Christ.

Swearing? Matthew 5:34-37
Morality? Matthew 5:27-28
Treatment of bullies? Matthew 5:44-45
Tattling? Matthew 7:3-5
Choosing friends wisely? Matthew 7:16-20
Sibling rivalry? Matthew 5:22-25

Thankfully, He has given us the basic laws and then lets us practice law-giving in our own families.

A Mentor

In God’s wisdom, He knew that we would need an example to follow. We have a mentor in Jesus Christ. The only perfect individual to walk the earth, He shows us the way.

32 Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. (Moroni 10:32)

Just as Christ is a mentor for us and for our children, our Creator also places us in families. You are your child’s mentor, no matter how intimidating that responsibility may be.

A Personal Guide

We may call it our conscience, intuition, our “gut feeling”, the light of Christ, or the gift of the Holy Ghost. All of humanity is given the gift to known good from evil. (2 Nephi 2:5)

With this innate knowledge of right and wrong, there can be no plausible deniability that we did wrong because we didn’t know better. Kids seem to have an uncanny sense of right and wrong. They are the first to call out unfair treatment.

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, known as the Mormons, we believe that the Holy Ghost can speak to all of humanity. We also believe that in order to receive the opportunity for constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, we must be baptized and confirmed, Then we must stay obedient and worthy to keep this magnificent gift.

38 Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. (Acts 2:38)

- and -

32 And we are his witnesses of these things; and so is also the Holy Ghost, whom God hath given to them that obey him. (Acts 5:32)

Whew. When our Father in Heaven gave us the ability to choose, He first prepared us well. This is a stunning amount of knowledge –

• We are headed back to live eternally with God
• We are His children
• We have commandments to help us return
• We have a mentor in the Savior
• We can have a personal guide in the Holy Ghost

Talk about an amazing support system. Any other thoughts? I am sure that you have many more ideas and examples of knowledge given and used in your own families. We would all love to hear about your experiences with knowledge, so please comment if you would like.

Before we move to the next piece of the puzzle – choice, we need to first see that it is not given in a vacuum. Knowledge is first given to help the choices go well.

My last blog talked about the fire of free will – the power, intensity and capacity that our children have to choose. We are thrilled when they choose well and sad or frustrated when they choose poorly.

We try to help them in their choices as best we can, but find that it can be a challenging puzzle. When are we helping them too much or too little in their choices? One friend commented,

“I am strict in enforcing rules until I get too tired, then I let the kids do what they want until there is so much chaos I can’t stand it any more, then I get strict again.”

I think all we all flip between the extremes at some point, neither extreme feeling right.

So how do we find the balance? Our questions are real. Are we giving too much freedom or not enough? Are they mature enough to handle a choice? How do we come up with a consequence? How long do we wait to enforce a consequence? How do we guide them to choose well?

After searching professional parenting material, I saw good advice, but never a complete solution to this puzzle. Sometimes I found pieces, but never could figure out how they fit with the others. Still, some of the pieces seemed to be missing.

Searching the scriptures gave me a more complete view of the answers and how they fit together. Looking to Heavenly Father’s words and dealings with His children showed patterns that could be applied in my own family. I found words of the prophets as they taught their own families the principles of success and saw a parenting mentor in the example of God’s Son, Jesus Christ.

I take great comfort knowing we are not left alone to create family law from scratch. It is exhausting to try. God is a perfect leader and has created a perfect law. Our Creator gives us three major pieces to the parenting puzzle, conditions that give us maximum choice but conditions that help to keep those choices on the right track. They are:

1. Knowledge
2. Choice
3. Responsibility

When we understand the pieces and how they fit together, we can start to apply them in our own families. Finding the pieces takes effort. Fitting them together takes trial and error. Our kids are not the only ones with much to learn.

The next few blogs will discuss the pieces of the puzzle. As we talk of each piece, your ideas are welcome and valuable. We can help each other put knowledge into action.

“I do it myself!” shouts my three-year-old daughter as she struggles to put on her shoes. My offers to help are rejected as she fights to do something hard on her own.

With a high level of frustration and intense and unrelenting determination, I am seeing free will in action. The emotional display of fireworks ranges in intensity with different personalities, but the desire to progress is universal.

Our children learn new things every day - how to put on their shoes, ride a bike, do a math problem, spell a word, date, drive a car. Every day, the driving force of free will gives them the motivation to keep moving forward. Struggle goes with the territory of new experiences.

Most people I know are comfortable with their own free will. They love the ability to make choices and learn from their decisions. For most parents, free will is like fire. It is both thrilling and scary. It is thrilling because we know they need free will to grow. Freedom to choose is exhilarating and empowering. Without free will, we would still be spoon feeding them at 9, tying their shoes at 17 and carpooling for the remainder of our days. With it comes learning and progression. If the fire of free will is contained and directed, it can be a rocket of progression.

This unbelievable gift is described by the ninth Prophet called in these modern times, David O. McKay:

"Next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God’s greatest gift to man. … Freedom of choice is more to be treasured than any possession earth can give. It is inherent in the spirit of man. It is a divine gift. … Whether born in abject poverty or shackled at birth by inherited riches, everyone has this most precious of all life’s endowments—the gift of free agency; man’s inherited and inalienable right." (“Chapter 22: Agency and Responsibility,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, 205)

Democratic countries are founded on this inalienable right. Slavery was abolished because of this right. Many have died to retain this right to remain free.

Free will, also called "agency", is powerful. This is why parents also find free will a bit scary. Children combine free will with inexperience and immaturity. That same fire, unrestrained, can burn out of control and create severe damage.

My husband was in charge of a large youth group who spent time in the summer re-enacting a pioneer trek. He watched as some teenage boys grabbed hard reeds and were hitting each other on the back for fun to see if they could make welts appear. The leaders were discussing this not-so-smart behavior and one leader commented, "In our family, we call this green brain. A youngster's brain is green when displayed on a brain scan. As they grow, the color changes. Their brain is fully developed by their 20's and the scan shows a totally different color." She looked over at the boys. "Definite green brain," she said.

With choice comes a balancing tagalong - responsibility.

As President Brigham Young said on one occasion:

“If Brother Brigham should take a wrong track and be shut out of the kingdom of heaven, no person will be to blame but Brother Brigham. I am the only being in heaven, earth, or hell, that can be blamed. This will equally apply to every Latter-day Saint. Salvation is an individual operation. … When salvation is sent to me, I can reject or receive it. In receiving it, I yield implicit obedience and submission to its great Author throughout my life, and to those whom he shall appoint to instruct me; in rejecting it, I follow the dictates of my own will in preference to the will of my Creator.” (Discourses of Brigham Young, sel. John A. Widtsoe (1954), 390.)

Our children are free to choose, but have the responsibility of owning the consequences. It is important that they know choice is not the end destination, but the vehicle that moves us forward.

Mormon apostle Dallin H. Oaks noted:

“Few concepts have more potential to mislead us than the idea that choice, or agency, is an ultimate goal. In mortality, choice is a method, not a goal.”

Our challenge as parents is to allow our children to use the vehicle of choice, point them in the right direction of obedience to commandments of God, and let the fire of free will propel them to success and safety.